


The Smoking Cauldron

by rainbowpiranha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Anxiety, Capital Pride, Complete, Depression, Gay Bar, HIV/AIDS, Happy Ending, M/M, Mechanic!Sirius, POV Remus Lupin, Pride, Sex, Teacher!Remus, Trans Character, Transgender, Wedding, hookah bar, trans!remus, transRemus, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-08-31 23:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 71,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8597641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowpiranha/pseuds/rainbowpiranha
Summary: -Non-magical AU, Set in the United States in the 2000's.-Remus's POV-Sirius and Remus are both in their late 20's.-While the setting and time period are different than the books, Remus and Sirius are still in character personality-wise, and act and react to these different challenges in ways that I believe the true Remus and Sirius would do.-Sirius works as a waiter at a hookah bar and Remus is a young teacher who frequents the bar.  Remus has a "monthly problem" that Sirius tries to figure out and Remus tries to hide.-Rating is for explicit language throughout the whole story, later chapters that talk about serious mental health issues and self harm, and explicit descriptions of sex starting at Chapter 14.  Sirius is chronically ill, beginning in Chapter 22.-Some angst, but a happy ending is promised (eventually).





	1. The Smoking Cauldron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus returns to his usual hang-out, a hookah bar, to find that they have hired a new waiter named Sirius.

Unphased by the smoke-tinted windows and flickering neon signs advertising local beer brands, I opened the door to The Smoking Cauldron and heard the familiar chime ring to announce my entrance.

I paused inside the doorway to let my eyes adjust to the dim light, since the only lights in the bar were the paper lantern covered bulbs hanging from the ceiling and the old fairy lights attached to the top of each window, and I had come from outside where the sidewalk was brightly illuminated by the afternoon sun.

"Hey Tom," I greeted the owner as I casually flashed him my ID. Tom made a checkmark on the back of my hand with a sharpie to mark that I was of-age as I put my wallet back in the pocket of my bag. "I’m surprised to see my usual seat by the window taken so early in the evening."

"Nah, man, it’s not taken. The dude sitting there is our new hire," Tom answered. "He's just finishing up paperwork. Come say hi!"

I, for better or for worse, came to the local hookah bar often enough where I was more of a staple than their hired help, and I followed Tom over to the table to meet the newest waiter.

"Sirius," Tom nodded in the direction of the new-hire, "this is Remus, one of our regulars. Remus, this is our new waiter, Sirius. Tonight's his first night, so let me know if he fucks up!" Tom nudged Sirius playfully in the ribs. "Remus is a good dude and he'll be patient with you while you're learning."

"Hey," Sirius said as he looked up from his paperwork and flashed me a smile. "I'll get out of your table in one second." He turned to Tom and added, "I think I finished this paperwork. I'll bring in a copy of my Social Security card tomorrow and then we should be all set!" 

"Sweet," Tom responded, picking the papers up off of the table. "Well, for tonight you'll be shadowing me, so prepare to learn from the best, as our friend Remus can attest to."

I nodded earnestly. Not only was Tom a good waiter, but he was a genuinely good dude, too.

Tom turned to Sirius. "So, first off, introduce yourself. It may seem silly since I already introduced you to Remus, but you gotta get in the habit of it."

Sirius paused awkwardly before stating, "Hi, I'm Sirius."

"Hello, Sirius," I responded with a small smile. "Can I have some lemon tea?"

"See, he's a good sport!" Tom said to Sirius, clapping him on the shoulder. "Although next time, make sure you tell the table you''ll be their waiter. For all Remus knows, you could be some random dude who just wanted to share his name. Lord knows Remus gets hit on all the time here."

"Har, har," I said dryly. "I'm just the awkward person who comes in here to grade papers far too often and sits in the corner silently watching everyone."

"The way you say that makes you sound like a pervy old man!" Tom joked. "Come on, Sirius, I'll show you how we make tea here. We'll be back with that and your usual hookah, Remus."

I nodded and settled into my seat. I was going to be here a while. My students had recently written a short-essay on the prompt, "In ten years, I'll be..." and they had gotten really into it. It was great from an educational engagement perspective, but not so great from a grading perspective. Since it was only the second week of school, I wanted to give the kids a lot of feedback, especially on an assignment so personal to them. Plus, it was way too early in September for me to get behind on grading already. 

I pulled the first class of assignments out of my backpack when Sirius returned to the table carrying the hookah. 

"Tom will be out in a second with the tea," he said as he set the hookah on the table. "Thanks again for putting up with me being new here."

"No problem," I replied. "It may be cliche, but everyone was new at something at one point."

Sirius smiled as he clumsily unwrapped the hose and the mouthpiece from the body of the hookah and placed it on the table. To his credit, he appeared confident in spite of not quite knowing what he was doing.

He was getting ready to use tongs to take the coal out of the pan and put it on the foil when I decided to try to put him at ease. "So, Sirius," I started. "That's an unusual name." 

Great job, I thought to myself. Not only is that a killer conversation starter, but it jumps right into a conversation I probably don't want to have right now.

"Yeah, my parents were hippies or something like that in the 60's, before the world made them cynical," Sirius responded, proudly balancing the coal on the foil. "They named me after a star."

"Nice!" I responded, glad the hookah was all assembled and burning without a catastrophe. "The hippie counter-culture is one of the subjects my kids love to learn about the most."

"You teach?" Sirius asked, nodding at the stack of papers in front of me.

"He sure does!" Tom answered for me, coming out from the kitchen through a bead curtain with my tea. "It's fun because sometimes his kids will write hilariously wrong answers and he'll share them with us. I’ve missed that over the past few summer months when you haven’t had students!"

"Tom," I shushed him, blushing slightly. "I really shouldn't share them with you guys."

"Oh stop, Remus," Tom answered. "You know as well as I do that we aren't going to rat you out for sharing your kids work. Besides, you never tell us their names and I don't even know any high school kids. Do you, Sirius?"

"Nah," responded Sirius. "My mom was a teacher and she used to come home with some great stories about her elementary school kids. I can imagine high schoolers give you some even crazier stories!”

"Yeah, well, you can ask him about his students later," Tom cut in with a grin. "I've got to show you some stuff behind the bar before we get too many customers in here."

I watched them walk away as I inhaled on my hookah. Tom wasn't too spectacular to look at, in all honestly. A plain, average height, slightly chubby, thirty something, Tom was a career waiter by choice. He liked working with people and he liked the variety of customers the hookah bar provided for him, from the old-school traditional Indian smokers to the young-twenties crowd who were excited to try something for the first time. 

Sirius, on the other hand, was nothing short of gorgeous. He was slim but muscular, in his mid-twenties, with black hair that he wore pulled back into a short pony tail. He was only slightly shorter than me--which at my six-foot-two meant he was still pretty tall, and dressed in all black. But what initially caught my attention was his eyes--steel gray, but warm and expressive, especially when he smiled. What kept me looking was his tattoos. First, he was clearly covered in them and they poked out of the ends of his sleeves and the collar of his shirt. Second, they weren't the usual tattoo designs, which I noticed as his shirt moved as he reached above the bar to grab a bottle. He had what looked to be a hand of cards tattooed on his side, but the suit wasn't a normal one. It was either dogs or bears, I couldn't quite tell from this far away.

"Mrmp," I muttered out loud, pulling myself out of my staring and focusing on my stack of papers. "I need to get work done."

With that, I started reading my student's essays. The more I read, the more I was glad I gave this assignment. As a present-day history teacher, giving the students abstract assignments was more of a personal preference of mine than it was a curriculum requirement. I liked to see how the student's view themselves, their world, and their future. It gives them a good, concrete angle to view historical figures from. After all, half the fun of history is speculating what different people were actually thinking at the time important events occurred. Whether it's wondering what LBJ really thought during the anti-Vietnam War protests or who thought it would be a good idea to, once again, invade Russia during the winter, putting names and faces to events makes them more intriguing and, at least to my history-loving self, more enjoyable.

Slowly the bar filled up, which wasn't surprising for a Thursday night. What I did find surprising, as I scanned the room during my grading breaks, was that Sirius seemed a lot more comfortable with every other customer, but still seemed nervous around me. He made a show to appear confident, but it wasn’t quite believable. Maybe that was because I was his first table, or maybe I was reading too much into his actions. 

You never forget your first, I joked to myself. 

"Oh my god, I am such an old man for only being 28-years-old," I groaned out loud.

With that, I paid my tab and left early--a fitting ending to the night for an old man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	2. Tea and Tattoos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus returns to the hookah bar after a prolonged absence. Sirius is excited to see him, and they discuss tattoos and make future plans.

The door to The Smoking Cauldron felt heavier than usual as I pulled it open. Maybe I was more exhausted than I thought.

I almost turned around and went home to rest, but upon seeing a flash of Sirius as he disappeared into the kitchen, I decided I was going to stay.

"I was beginning to wonder if the new guy scared you away! We haven’t seen you in a week!" Tom joked as I entered the bar. 

I smiled thinly and flashed my ID out of habit. "I just haven't been feeling well," I explained.

"I'll put extra honey in your lemon tea tonight then," Tom responded before disappearing into the back room of the bar.

I think one of the reasons Tom was such a good waiter is because he does little things like putting extra honey in tea for customers, when he didn’t actually have to care.

I gingerly took a seat at the bar and set my wallet and keys on the counter. The cushioned chairs were better for my sore body than my usual seat in the corner, although having my back to the door made me uneasy.

"Here you are," Tom said, setting down my cup of tea. "Sirius will be out in a minute with your hookah."

"Thanks, Tom."

We chatted about nothing in particular for a few minutes until a large group of customers came in and Tom took their table.

“Hey Remus,” Sirius said as he emerged from the back of the bar through the beaded curtain. “The usual chocolate and cinnamon hookah, right?”

“Yes please,” I responded, slowly sipping my tea as Sirius set up the hookah.

It was warm out, especially for a September evening, but my joints were stiff and the warmth of the ceramic cup filled with hot tea felt nice on my hands.

“Oh fuck!” Sirius exclaimed as the coal fell out of the tongs and landed right on my license that I still had sitting on top of my wallet on the counter.

Sirius grabbed the tongs, put the coal on the foil where it should go, and took my license to wash the soot off in the sink.

“I’m so sorry!” Sirius said when he handed me back my license.

“Don’t worry about it,” I assured him as I pointed to a burn spot down the bar. “It’s not the first time it’s happened here, and it won’t be the last.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m the reason that mark is there too,” Sirius said with a laugh. “I’m too much of a klutz to be allowed at this job.”

It was my turn to laugh, although the movement caused me to wince. “You’re fine,” I assured him. “You’re much better than many of the other employees he’s had here, trust me. Plus, you don’t seem to think it’s weird to cuss in front of a teacher, when sometimes people are really uptight when they find out what I do, so that’s a nice change.”

Sirius shot me a mischievous grin and stated, “I never was one for authority.”

“He’s right, you know,” Tom cut in as returned behind the bar and clapped Sirius on the back. “You’re a good kid.”

“Thanks Tom,” Sirius said before he disappeared into the back to wash a stack of dishes.

“Kid?” I asked Tom. “How old is he?”

“29,” Tom replied. “But anyone new here is a kid to me.”

“You scared me for a minute, Tom. I thought I was being a perv,” I replied. 

“You’re interested?” Tom asked, sitting down on the other side of the bar with a glint in his eye. “Out of all the attractive people I’ve hired in the past, he’s the one that catches your eye?”

“Well…” I double-checked to make sure Sirius was out of earshot before continuing. “He seems like a good dude and yes, he’s definitely nice to look at.”

Tom sighed with a smile and got up, “Just be careful with him. He’s had a heck of a past, from the little bit I know about him, and you’ve got some shit on your end too.”

“I know, Tom, I know,” was all I could reply.

I sat smoking my hookah in silence, running scenarios over in my head. Tom was right--I didn’t let people catch my interest easily. Being gay and being a teacher can be a challenge, since there are still plenty of pockets of close minded people, especially where I was currently teaching, so my personal life had always been quiet. Other physical qualities made dating difficult too, so I tended to be more of a recluse anyways. Plus, being social with people my age was not my strong point. 

After an hour or so, Sirius came back and changed the coal on my hookah. When he reached up to put the coal on the foil, I saw some of his tattoos again.

“What’s the suit on the cards?” I asked, my hand reaching out to ghost the tattoo on his lower side.

Sirius froze at the proximity of my hand and a panicked look briefly crossed his face. 

“Sorry,” I immediately said, pulling my arm back. “I just really like tattoos.”

Sirius finished changing out the coal without saying anything and sat down on the bar stool across from me.

“No worries,” he replied, the flicker of light back in his grey eyes. “You just startled me was all.”

I eyed him carefully, knowing from students that I had in the past that a reaction that severe to near touch was a sign of past, or current, abuse. I opted to let it go for now and pushed it to the back of my mind.

Sirius pulled up the bottom hem of his black long-sleeved shirt a little to reveal the full tattoo of cards. “It’s a King, Queen, Jack, and Joker but they’re dogs...like my name,” he explained. “It’s like I’m a part of a family that wants me to be there.”

I tried to look Sirius in the eye, but he had quickly looked away. 

“That was too much information, sorry,” he muttered.

“Sirius, it’s fine, really,” I assured him. “Tattoos are meant to be personal, right? However much, or however little, you want to tell me about them is totally fine.”

At that, Sirius met my gaze and smiled. “Thanks, Remus.”

He went about wiping glasses dry and hanging them up before he turned to me and said, “Well, the bar is pretty much empty, so I don’t see any harm in showing you some more.”

“This one,” he pulled up his sleeve to reveal a set of runes lining his forearm, “is supposed to ward against ill will, but the more I look up information about it, the more I think it may be incorrect. But it’s the thought that counts, right?” 

“Of course,” I responded, smiling at his confidence in revealing the inaccuracy of his tattoo, instead of pretending like it was correct. With some difficulty, I rolled up the sleeve of my button-down to reveal the intricate wolf tattooed on my bicep. “I got this one for a similar meaning. It represents strength and independence, and helps ward against a mistrust of others.”

“Nice! I never would have pegged you as one with tattoos,” Sirius explained, clearly interested. “Even if you do have that earring.” 

I smiled and fingered the stud in my right earlobe. It was my one openly-gay accessory, but only people who were looking for it to be in the _correct_ right ear noticed. “Actually, I have quite a few. They help me feel more comfortable in my body.”

“I totally understand that,” Sirius responded. He hesitated before he pushed up his sleeve and took off his thick, black leather bracelet to reveal the tattoo underneath. “That’s why I got this one.”

I gently grasped his wrist to look closer, making a point to move slowly before I grabbed him. The tattoo was gorgeous. A strong, dark blue male symbol was covered in thin rainbow smoke that swirled in, out, and around the symbol. Small flecks of color solidified into a half-circle rainbow behind the symbol.

“I really like that!” I exclaimed. “Why do you keep it covered here? Tom wouldn’t mind.”

Sirius replied with a grin, “I try not to be super flaming at work until I’ve been at a job for at least a few months.”

“I used to bring boyfriends in here, when I had them,” I explained. “Tom helped shut down anything rude anyone said to us. He even kicked a guy out who was harassing us one time.”

“I can’t imagine this place having enough people in it where someone could be kicked out,” Sirius admitted. “Has it changed?”

I explained, “It has changed, and honestly I like it better now. They used to have different discount days, karaoke contests, and dance nights. With it calm like this, I can actually get work done without having to hole myself up in my townhouse, which is nice.” 

“I did notice you weren’t grading today,” Sirius said. “All caught up?”

I huffed. “Far from it. I’ve been ill the past week and won’t be back to get the work until Monday. Then I’ll be swamped.” 

“Well,” Sirius started, “Would you have any interest in going out tomorrow, assuming that you’re feeling better?”

“Definitely!” I responded, a little too quickly. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’m pretty new to this area, so I have no idea,” Sirius answered. “I don’t go anywhere except for here, the corner store, and my apartment.”

“There’s a gay bar about forty minutes West of here that I’ve been to a few times,” I remembered. “We could meet there?”

“Sure!” answered Sirius. “What’s the address?”

I gave him the address and we talked for a little longer before I left for home. It had been a few years since I had been on a date and I was a little nervous. I wasn’t even sure if this was officially a date anyways. More than anything else though, I was excited to see what would happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	3. Two Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus go on their first date and each reveal something about themselves. 
> 
> CW: Mentions of past transphobic responses to Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW: Mentions of past transphobic responses to Remus.**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry this took me so long to update--I’ve been very ill. I’ll post this chapter and the next one with no more than a day or two a part, since it took so long for an update.
> 
> This chapter was kind of hard for me to write, and I’m a bit nervous about posting it. I’ve been in the position that I put Remus in, where I’ve had to explain my sex and gender to others, and I’ve gotten a lot of negative responses, all of which Remus sees as well. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this!

I sat chain-smoking in my car in front of Madam Malkin’s, the bar Sirius and I were meeting at. This meet-up--or date, if it turned into that--was making me nervous. It had been longer than I would admit out loud since I had been on an actual date, and the small talk and social protocol always concerned me.

I put out my cigarette and got out of my car, deciding that waiting for Sirius out in the open would be a better idea than hiding in my car with my anxiety. He must have had the same idea, because as soon as I leaned against the old wooden side of the bar, Sirius came walking over to me, a cigarette hanging loosely in the corner of his mouth. 

Good, I thought to myself. Now I don't have to worry about him leaving because I taste like nicotine. 

I smiled at my thought of a kiss, and at Sirius’s slightly frazzled appearance.

“Remus!” Sirius exclaimed as he reached where I was standing. “This place was not easy to find!”

He took an exaggerated drag on his cigarette and sighed, leaning against the wall next to me.

“I should have warned you about that, sorry,” I responded. “I’m so used to it that I forget it’s in the middle of nowhere.”

“Well, I pulled into a gas station to ask for directions since my GPS claimed this place didn’t exist, and the dude there thought I was nuts,” Sirius explained. “He had no idea what this place was, or where it was, and we got into a whole conversation about who Madam Malkin’s is.”

I laughed. “She's not quite a real person,” I explained. “Malkin is an old term for a crotchety lady who, in this case, was the stage name of one of the original Drag Queens and founders of the bar.”

“Ah, well, that's not what this guy thought at all!” Sirius laughed. “I’m pretty sure he thought I was looking for a prostitute or something.”

“All sorts of people turn up at this bar,” I admitted. “But there aren't any shows tonight or anything like that, so it should be a pretty normal night.”

“Cool, cool,” responded Sirius as he put out his cigarette on the gravel covered ground. “Want to head in?”

“Sure!” I answered too quickly as I turned to walk through the door.

I felt a light touch on my lower back and froze, but relaxed into it when I realized the hand belonged to Sirius. I wasn’t sure if he could tell I was jumping out of my skin with anxiety or not, but his touch was comfortable and calming.

We headed into the bar and our ears were immediately greeted with loud music and chatter as the bar was already pretty full. Couples were on the dance floor, and the DJ was alternating between classic 80s tunes and modern pop songs. Sirius and I found an empty, tall, round table along the outside of the dance floor and sat in silence as we people watched for a few minutes.

Gay bars are pretty similar to straight bars, I noted as we looked around. You had the awkward couple who stood way too close to each other while ordering drinks at the bar, the girl already drunk and crying against the bench in the corner with her friends surrounding her, and the guy who cleared out way too much space on the dance floor with his wild moves. The dress code here was pretty lax, and as long as you weren’t overtly nude, you could wear what you wanted. While I dressed in my regular dark jeans and a button-down shirt and Sirius dressed in a wonderfully tight black t-shirt and light colored jeans, others took more risks in their appearance. Dresses were short and dark on the women who wore them, and bright-colored and long on the bearded men who wore them. Jeans and flannel adorned may patrons, both women and men, while others wore sequined tops with sharp dress slacks. People were comfortable here, which was wonderful, and the crowd reflected people of all genders and sexualities. It really was a nice thing to see. 

“Moony!” a loud voice exclaimed, interrupting my thoughts.

“Hello, Rosmerta,” I answered, grimacing at the nickname she gave me.

She smiled and asked, “What’ll it be?” 

“Heineken and a water for me, please,” I responded.

“And you, dear?” she asked, making a point to eye Sirius up and down.

“Jack and Coke please,” responded Sirius with a wide smile, loving the attention she gave him.

“You’ve got yourself a manly one, Moony,” Rosmerta directed at me with a wink before walking away.

“She's a bit of a card “ I said to Sirius, trying to ease some of the tension I felt with the interaction. “She means well.”

Sirius smiled, “It’s fine. I'm just not used to being out with someone more popular than me.”

“Well, it’s not always for the best,” I admitted. “The whole reason she calls me Moony is because I got really drunk one night after my date left me stranded here and walked outside to smoke and started howling at the moon…In my drunk mind, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Sirius laughed loudly, and it was one of the most genuinely wonderful noises I had ever heard. Rich and deep, his laugh took away any feelings of embarrassment I may have had with sharing that story. The noise itself made me relax a little bit more, and the person behind the noise made me smile.

“If you ever meet anyone from back home, I'm sure they'd have stories to tell of me too,” admitted Sirius when he finally stopped laughing after a solid minute of enjoyment at my expense. “Although I don't think I've ever howled around anyone…”

I thanked Rosmerta as she came back with our drinks and asked Sirius, “Why’d you leave wherever you’re from?”

Sirius looked down and swirled the ice in his drink for a moment before replying, “That requires a lot of backstory that I don’t want to bore you with.”

“If you’re comfortable sharing, I’m willing to listen,” I responded honestly. “And I highly doubt you would bore me.”

“Alright, well, you asked...” Sirius started before visibly taking a deep breath. “My mom is nuts. She did okay for a few years when she was working, but she ended up losing her job and that pushed her over the edge. She became a complete shut-in and my dad had to totally take care of her and my brother and I. Let’s just say he wasn’t a good caretaker, and leave it at that. I left the second I turned eighteen. I did what I could as far as odd jobs to make money, but decided it was too slow and ended up dealing drugs for a while. I got caught when I was twenty three, ended up in jail, did some stupid shit when I was in jail that lengthened my stay there, and I got out two years ago. I had trouble finding a job since it was a small town and everyone there knew my parents and knew me as a criminal, so I moved away.”

I eyed Sirius and noticed that, for the first time tonight, he did not look confident and comfortable. He had slouched in his chair and started picking at his straw wrapper with his fingers. I wanted to offer him some sort of comfort, to let him know that I wasn’t in the position to judge him, but I hesitated in my response. 

I didn’t want him to mistake my silence for judgement, so I asked, “Where did you move from?”

“Upstate New York,” replied Sirius. “I figured moving near D.C. would be far enough away where I could start over.”

“It seems to be working well,” I responded with a smile. “I appreciate you trusting me with all of that. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think any less of you for having that in your past.”

“Thanks Remus,” Sirius smiled before focusing again on his drink. “So, can I ask you something personal?”

“It’s only fair,” I answered, trying to sound calm. While I hated small talk and would much rather jump into deep conversations, I was always concerned when the topic of discussion turned to be about me. You could share your entire life with me, and short of telling me you killed puppies, I’d still like you and offer to help you if needed it. But ask me one question about myself and I could easily convince you that I was not worth talking to. Self-esteem was not my strong point. 

“How come you never legally changed your name?” Sirius asked.

“What?” I responded, my eyes snapping up to his face since I was not expecting his question at all.

I tried to read his motives, but saw nothing but curiosity in his eyes.

“At the hookah bar the other day, I looked at your license after I dropped the coal on it,” explained Sirius. “And your name on there is Reema.”

“Did you happen to notice anything else on there when you were washing it off,” I asked slowly, trying to stop my voice from sounding nervous.

“Well, yeah,” was all Sirius responded.

“And you still asked me to come out tonight?” I pressed. “After you clearly looked at my license?”

“Correct,” Sirius responded, sitting back in his chair. 

I studied him. Sirius seemed to enjoy watching me piece everything together. He was comfortable, relaxed, and attentive. He didn’t seemed concerned at all, and he definitely didn’t seem ready to flee like my last date had. I sighed and decided I might as well explain everything to him, since he was halfway there already. 

“I didn’t change my name or my sex legally because I haven’t done much medically to alter my gender,” I admitted in one breath.

Sirius simply responded with, “That makes sense.”

We fell into a comfortable silence and enjoyed our drinks. I couldn’t even begin to guess what Sirius was thinking, but his mind probably wasn’t as turbulent as my own right now. I had never had someone realize that I am transgender as quickly as Sirius did, nor had I ever had someone seem to not care. Admittedly, it was nice, but I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. I was used to people either questioning my identity because I did not want to medically transition other than the top surgery I went through a few years ago, or people feeling fooled because they assumed from my appearance and mannerisms that I was biologically male.

“This is weird,” I admitted out loud. “I mean, not having to explain my decision to someone. This is the first time I don’t have to justify my actions or defend myself for lying.”

“You didn’t lie,” Sirius assured me, his voice filled with confidence as if he was willing me to believe him. “I never asked you what’s between your legs, and frankly it’s none of my business unless we are headed to bed together.”

I smiled at Sirius. He seemed unaware of how wonderful his words were.

“Honestly, I like people for who they are, regardless of sex or gender, although I tend to lean towards masculine people. And if you’re a dude born in a woman’s body than do whatever you want about it to make you happy,” continued Sirius. “Granted, I like my dick and plan on keeping it…” he smiled, “but that’s just me.”

He drained his drink before signaling to Rosmerta that he wanted another one. 

I was glad when she brought over one for me too and drank quite a bit of it before speaking. 

“Your nonchalance really is a wonderful change for me, Sirius,” I admitted. “But I have to ask. Did you invite me out for curiosity or for a date?”

“A date,” responded Sirius, looking irritated that I even asked him that question. “You’re a person, not an object to be studied…”

“I know,” I answered softly. “I didn’t mean to offend you, I just had to be sure.”

While he was accepting, he didn’t understand some of the opinions I’ve faced that other people had about my own body. While it wasn’t my intention to offend him, I needed to make sure that I wasn’t going to be someone he wanted to experiment with just to see what it was like. I had already had my share of people using me for that.

Sirius nodded and drained his drink before suddenly asking, “Would you like to dance?”

“I’m not a great dancer,” I admitted. “But sure.”

“Don’t worry, I am,” Sirius answered with a wink.

He grabbed my hand and led me out to the dance floor. He held my arm above his head before dramatically twirling twice underneath of it.

“I see,” I laughed. 

“I fancy myself as a man of many talents,” Sirius stated boldly.

“Now, is that you talking or the alcohol?” I responded.

“Let me know?” answered Sirius as he stepped closer to me.

I smiled as he closed the distance between us, feeling immensely comfortable in his warmth, even though the dance floor was already hot and sticky with bodies and movement. Sirius casually draped his arms over my shoulders and tilted his head up towards my face, eyeing me for my reaction. I leaned down in compliance, but waited for him to make his move. His eyes gleamed in the neon lights of the dance floor as he stepped even closer, bringing our hips into contact with each other. I groaned at the contact, causing him to smile. He gently kissed me and waited for me to respond before he deepened the kiss. I couldn’t help but moan into his mouth when he moved his hands to run down my chest and position them between our bodies to grip my hips. He bit my lower lip softly before pulling his entire body away and removing all contact with me except for his one hand remaining on my hip. It wasn’t much, but it was enough where I wanted more.

“Well?” he asked.

“I’d say that’s both you and the alcohol talking,” I responded with a smile. “But you might have the talent to back it up.”

“Only might?” he asked with a mischievous grin.

I smiled again as he stepped closer. “You may be able to change that to a ‘definitely has the talent to back up his words’ if you try,” I goaded.

“Hmm,” he murmured, lips suddenly close to my neck. “I will try then!”

I laughed. This night was already wonderful, on so many different levels, and I could tell it was about to get even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	4. Conversation and Covering Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus heads back with Sirius to his apartment after having a wonderful date at the bar. Deep conversation, the finding of a harness, and lots of cuddles ensue.
> 
> CW: Mentions of past self-harm/self-harm scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **  
> **  
> CW: Mentions of past self-harm/self-harm scars

“Last call!” Rosmerta’s voice exclaimed over the noise at the bar.

Groans were heard from around the room, and many people moved from the dance floor to the bar to grab their final drink.

“Should we head out soon?” Sirius asked, as we made our way from the now-empty dance floor to a bench against the wall.

“I’m not going to be ready to drive for a little while,” I admitted. “I drank more than I planned.”

“I’m okay to drive, if you want to pick your car up tomorrow,” offered Sirius.

I eyed him with every intention of judging his soberness. Instead, I noticed just how tightly his black t-shirt was clinging to his torso, highlighting the muscles below it, thanks to the sweat from the hour or so of dancing we had just done. As always, his tattoos were peaking out from every section of his shirt, and my drunken mind told me to touch them. Luckily, my sober mind was strong enough to keep my hands at my sides, much to my drunken mind’s dismay.

“I don’t want to impose,” I insisted. “I can always call a cab…”

Sirius huffed, “If you don’t want to spend the night with me…”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that!” I quickly explained. “I’ve had a wonderful time tonight. I just had every intention of driving myself home. I’m usually much more responsible than this.”

“Well, it’s nice to let loose once in awhile, right?” asked Sirius with a smile. “Besides, I have a pretty comfortable couch as long as you’re okay with dog hair.”

I sat forward on the bench, tipsy and excited. “You have a dog?”

“No, I just collect dog hair,” joked Sirius. “Yeah, I have a black lab/Newfoundland mix. He’s a big goof named Snuffles.”

“Well, you’ve convinced me with your dog,” I answered as I smiled at Sirius. “As long as you promise you’re okay to drive, and that you don’t mind bringing me back up here tomorrow to get my car, then I have no problem spending the night with you.”

“I’m glad I could convince you,” Sirius responded with a mischievous grin. “Although I’m a little disappointed that you’re not howling-at-the-moon-drunk yet.”

I shook my head. “That was not a good night,” I admitted. “My date was not nearly as accepting as you are about certain...things...and I’m very good at drowning my sorrows in immense amounts of liquid.”

“Well, I’m glad I haven’t given you any sorrows to drown tonight!” Sirius said as he jumped up off the bench. “Although I will warn you that my car is a mess.”

“No worries,” I assured him. “I really do appreciate you driving.”

I stood up and wobbled slightly into Sirius. “That’s not the alcohol,” I insisted. “I’m just not very coordinated.”

Sirius put his arm around my lower back. Whether it was to support my not-so-sober self, or to comfort me, I wasn’t sure. But either way, I appreciated it.

“You cut yourself down a lot,” Sirius said softly as we walked towards the exit of the bar. “You know, I wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place if I thought you were such a terrible person.”

“While I appreciate that, it’s easy for you to say because you don’t know me yet,” I explained.

“Then change that,” challenged Sirius as we walked out of the bar and over to Sirius’ car, a recent model black Mustang GT.

“Nice car!” I exclaimed. “I have an old man Chevy Malibu.”

“The car and Snuffles were the two things I wasn’t leaving behind when I moved,” Sirius explained. “And Snuffles is more of a friend than a thing.”

“That’s how I feel about my cat, too,” I agreed as I moved his leather jacket off of the passenger seat to sit down. “Although I’m pretty sure she just accepts that I live in the same house as her, but she runs it.”

“That sounds like a cat,” Sirius laughed. “Will she be okay tonight?”

“Yeah, thanks,” I responded. “She has plenty of food and water and I’ll give her some extra attention tomorrow and she’ll be fine.”

“Good,” Sirius said, as he started his car. “So, tell me something about yourself that I would be surprised to know.”

“Huh?” I eloquently responded.

“You’re so convinced that I won’t like you if I get to know you, so I want to get to know you to prove you wrong,” explained Sirius. “So tell me something about yourself.”

“Well, you already know the biggest surprise,” I admitted, as Sirius started the drive towards his apartment.

“That’s why I emphasized that it is something I don’t know,” Sirius said, shooting a smirk in my direction.

“Hmm, well,” I thought for a moment. “I have quite a few self-inflicted scars, which is why I always wear long pants.”

“Me too,” Sirius admitted.

He shifted his leg so his knee was able to push the steering wheel in the correct direction as he made a move to push up his t-shirt sleeve to his shoulder.

“Sirius!” I hissed. “Please be careful driving.”

Sirius returned his hand to the wheel before responding, “You worry too much, Remus.”

I huffed. “I’m good at that.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry so much with me,” Sirius continued. “I like you, or I wouldn’t have asked you out, and I know you’re constantly worried about what you’re saying or doing, and you don’t need to. I don’t think anything’s wrong with you, no matter how much you think is wrong with you. And I think you’re positively cute when you’re tipsy and I’m excited to show you my apartment.”

I smiled at his ability to be so perceptive. “I thank you for all of that, Sirius. But saying so doesn’t necessarily change my opinion, especially of myself.”

“I know. It’ll take a while for me to undo however many years of damage you’ve done to yourself,” Sirius answered, confident in the challenge.

“28,” I responded.

“You’re 28 or you’ve been an anxious person for the past 28 years?” Sirius asked.

“Both,” I clarified.

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius said, after a moment of silent thought.

“Sure,” I answered, confused as to why he suddenly needed permission.

“How can you teach if you’re so anxious?” asked Sirius. “I’m not a creep, I swear, but I did notice tonight and every night you’re at the hookah bar you always look like you’re about ready to jump out of your skin.”

“Well, I really enjoy teaching,” I explained. “It’s something I’ve always been good at, and I really like being able to share my love of history with the students. Plus, I think I actually make a difference for some of them. The kids don’t know I’m gay, but I have some of the older students who will come up and talk to me about their sexuality and I can help them work through any self-doubt they’re having.”

“But you can’t do that for yourself,” Sirius noted.

“I used to be able to,” I admitted. “I was on medication for a while that worked really well. I swear it’s as if I was on some magic potion that calmed me down, especially during my very inconveniently-female once-a-month issues, but it still let me be myself. But then both my liver and my kidney started having problems and I had to go off of the medication. I also had to stop taking testosterone, which caused my period to come back and other unpleasant anxiety-inducing things that made my anxiety even worse than it was before.”

“That makes sense,” Sirius nodded. “Although you’re not helping your liver by drinking.”

“Since when were you the one with all the rational sense?” I joked.

“Someone has to take care of you,” Sirius said softly, “since you seem to be unwilling to do so yourself.”

“I’m fine, really,” I insisted. “I just enjoy drinking.”

“You better be fine,” was all Sirius responded.

He turned on the radio and flipped through a few static-filled channels before deciding on a classic rock station. We listened in happily for a few minutes until Sirius turned into the parking lot of an apartment complex.

“Here we are,” he said. “I’ll have to let Snuffles out right when we first get in, and he may try to kill you with kisses, so just don’t let him knock you over.”

“I’ll try,” I smiled.

I followed Sirius up two flights of outdoor stairs before we arrived at the landing to his apartment. Sirius put the key in the lock before turning around to eye me with something clearly on his mind.

He pushed me against the railing behind me and kissed me hard. I barely had time to respond before he pulled away, stating, “I’ve wanted to do that since we left the bar.”

I smiled and followed Sirius inside.

“Snuffles?” he called.

A large black shape stood up and jumped off the couch and shook before bounding over to where we stood.

“This is Remus, and he’ll be staying here tonight,” Sirius told the dog.

As promised, Snuffles came over and jumped up, putting his paws on my shoulders, in a fierce attempt to lick me to death.

“I’m going to take this beast outside,” Sirius laughed. “Make yourself comfortable.”

He grabbed the leash from the counter, clipped it on the large dog’s collar, flipped on the overhead light, and shut the door behind him. I looked around his apartment, surprised at how sparsely decorated it was. For someone who had a lot of flash--a nice car, a leather jacket, silver-colored jewelry, and colorful tattoos--his apartment was refreshingly calm.

Making myself comfortable could be one of two things, I thought to myself. Find a blanket and get ready to curl up on the couch, or be nosy and look around his apartment.

I opted for being nosy and looking around Sirius’ apartment, justifying it to myself as fulfilling a curiosity akin to my love of looking through historical events as if they were mysteries to be solved.

A quick look around the sparsely decorated living area and kitchen told me that there wasn’t anything interesting to find there. The decorations on the walls consisted of a few taped up pictures of Snuffles and magazine tear outs of famous athletes (of who I could name absolutely zero). The food in the refrigerator and freezer was traditional single guy food: leftover pizza, packs of hot dogs, a Tupperware of spaghetti, a half-full gallon of milk, and one orange.

I briefly poked my head into the small laundry/utility room and the clean, black-and-white bathroom, before ending up in Sirius’s bedroom.

This room was decorated differently than the rest of the apartment. Framed artwork consisting of comic book characters lined one wall, under which sat an old wooden desk with a new-looking computer on top. The desk itself was lined with fairy lights, which bounced light off of the technology and warmed the glow of the wood. Next to the desk sat a stack of papers and some books, which I made a mental note to ask Sirius about later. Next to that was a large wooden chest with clothes, strewn open and displaying layers of black clothing and jeans of different shades. A small twin bed covered in colorful blankets sat along the opposite wall, next to a set of drawers.

As I was heading out of the room, a silver ring on the pile of black clothes in the chest caught my eye. I went over to see what it was, and saw that it was tangled up in something. Curious, I pulled out the ring and the garment it was attached to.

“I see you found some leathers,” Sirius said suddenly from behind me.

I must have visibly jumped because Sirius explained, “Snuffles and I came back in really quietly, just in case you were asleep. You’re more than welcome to be in here, but it kind of surprises me that that’s what you decide to touch.”

“I’m not entirely sure what I’m holding, to be honest,” I admitted. “I thought it was a ring.”

“It’s sort of a ring,” Sirius explained, walking over behind me. “But see this one goes up here” he pushed the leather strap over my shoulder until the ring sat squarely on the right half of my upper chest. “This one goes over your arm, like this.” He put the other side of the leather harness over my other arm so a second ring sat exactly like the first on on the other side. “The that leaves this one--” he pulled at the ring hanging down slightly in the center “to act as the actual ring to attach things to, if need be.”

“At risk of embarrassing myself in my naivety, what exactly would you attach there?” I asked, curious, especially since in just a few minutes I went from snooping in Sirius’ room to now being put in a harness by someone who seemed very knowledgeable about how to use it.

“I usually attach a chain that has a loop in the center to attach to the loop on the harness and a handcuff brace at each end of the chain,” Sirius explained before moving to the stack of drawers by his bed. “They’re in here if you’re interested.”

“Are you interested?” I asked, not sure how to read this situation.

“Honestly, having a tipsy Remus Lupin in leathers and chains is a fantasy I have had running through my head a few times since I first met you,” Sirius admitted. “But I would prefer the harness on your skin, instead of over your shirt like it is now.”

I looked down. The harness did seem a little silly on top of fabric, but my chest was something I was a bit nervous about showing anybody.

“Well, you said earlier that you don’t think I can convince you that I’m not worth liking,” I thought out loud. “So seeing my chest, in theory, shouldn’t cause you to run away.”

“You’re new to stuff like this, aren’t you?” Sirius asked.

“Mmhm,” I responded. “But not opposed to it,” I added quickly.

“I have an idea, if you’d be interested,” Sirius continued. “I can re-attach the harness without the fabric of your shirt being in the way. No chains or anything like that, just enough to see if you like it and want to get used to it.”

“Uh, sure,” I answered, trying to get out of the harness.

Sirius laughed, “Here, let me help.”

Sirius came over and unclasped the harness in the back, taking it off one shoulder at a time. I made a move to remove my button down, but Sirius quickly pushed my hands away.

“May I?” he asked, hands already on the bottom button of my shirt.

I just nodded, thrilled by Sirius’ touch.

With confidence in the task, Sirius moved up my shirt, unbuttoning one button at a time and letting his fingers trail on my skin as it was exposed. About half way up, I had to stop him--even though it took all of my self control to ask him to pause.

“I’m not sure you’re ready for what you’re going to see--”

“Remus, stop,” Sirius said softly but firmly. “Let me see you without your judgement.”

I nodded, nervous.

“Unless you explicitly ask me to stop, I’m going to keep going,” Sirius explained, looking me straight in the eyes.

“Okay,” I answered with a deep breath.

Sirius went back to the buttons on my shirt, this time stepping close enough to me where I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing got heavier with each button he undid. He got to the top of my shirt and pushed it off of my shoulders and onto the floor.

I instinctively made a move to cover my scars, but Sirius grabbed my wrists and pulled them down to my side. He looked into my eyes to make sure he still had my consent, and leaned over to kiss the two visible scars I had from my top surgery. He then moved his mouth down to kiss a row of self-inflicted scars I had across my lower stomach. 

Although the act was sweet, having his mouth on me there was driving my senses wild with lust.

“Sirius,” I whispered, my voice heavy.

“I really like you,” Sirius admitted, eyes dark with lust. “And I really like being able to talk to you. But I also really like seeing you like this.”

As if to emphasize his point, Sirius took a step back and eyed me up and down. His eyes trailed a path from my collarbone, across my chest, and down to my hips, where his gaze lingered. His eyes then drifted below my jean-covered waist before he quickly took a step forward and closed the distance between us.

“Would you like to wear this?” Sirius pointed to the harness that had been pushed to the floor earlier. “Because I quite like you just like this for now.”

I smiled, “I’m okay like this, I think.”

I decided that if he was going to like my body, than the least I could do was appreciate his admiration, instead of trying to hide away.

“But I think it’s a bit unfair that your shirt is still on,” I goaded, as my hands drifted to the lower hem of his t-shirt.

In one swift move, Sirius grabbed his shirt and pulled it off, revealing the wonderful sight beneath the fabric. While he had shown me some of his tattoos at the hookah bar the other night, I noticed that he was covered in even more than I expected. A dragon looped around his right pectoral muscle caught my eye, and I reached over to touch him. My hand ghosted over Sirius’s nipple, which a silver bar was pierced through, and he breathed in sharply. Encouraged by his response, I stepped in closer and kissed his neck. I bit gently at his pulse point and elicited a wonderful moan from his lips.

We kissed for a while, enjoying the feel of the other man’s lips on our own. I couldn’t keep my hands off of his chest, enjoying both the feel of his skin and muscles under my fingers and the moans that he gave me when I touched him.

“Do you want to go over there?” Sirius asked breathily, nodding over towards his bed.

I hesitated. This wasn’t why I wanted to come over tonight. I had already revealed more of my body to him than I had planned on, and while he was nothing but wonderfully accepting, I didn’t know if mentally I could reveal more of myself tonight.

“Only if we’re going over there to sleep,” I finally said out loud.

“Okay,” Sirius nodded. “I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to, Remus. But I would like to fall asleep next to you tonight, if that’s alright.”

“That sounds wonderful,” I agreed. “Do you have pants I can borrow?”

“Mmhm,” responded Sirius as he went over to his trunk to dig for clothes. “These are a little bit long on me, so they may fit you.”

“Thanks,” I said, grabbing the pair of plaid pants.

I headed to the bathroom I saw earlier to change. I looked in the mirror and noted a spot on my neck that was going to bruise, thanks to Sirius’ teeth. I smiled at my reflection, trying to see myself through his eyes. We may not have known each other long, but Sirius seemed to do everything he could to try to make me comfortable and happy.

He’s a good guy, don’t fuck it up, I reminded myself as I left the bathroom.

Heading back to Sirius’ room, I noticed the overhead lights were turned off and only the fairy lights were left on. It made the room look very warm and welcoming, although Sirius curled up in bed was even more inviting. I gently got into bed next to him, as he already seemed half-asleep.

“Come here,” Sirius mumbled into his pillow. “It’s a small bed, but I want to feel you here.”

I smiled and curled up behind him, putting one arm under my head and draping the other arm over his hips. Sirius sighed contently and wiggled himself back into me. His immediate warmth, the comfort of the ridiculous amounts of blankets on the bed, and the leftover alcohol in my system all worked wonderfully together, and I fell asleep faster than I had done in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	5. A Lazy Day of Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius enjoy a morning together and Remus tries to talk some sense into himself.

“Sirius, stop,” I laughed, feeling his tongue against my face. “I don’t want to wake up yet!”

“I hate to break it to you, Remus, but that tongue belongs to Snuffles,” Sirius replied with a snort. “He wants you to get up and feed him.”

“Hmph,” I murmured, opening my eyes. 

Sirius was right, of course. Standing up with his front paws on the side of the bed, Snuffles was panting happily, licking my hand and face trying to get me out of bed. 

“What time is it?” I asked, as I moved my hand to pat the large dog’s head.

Snuffles whined appreciatively and moved his head so I could scratch his ears.

“Probably eight or so,” Sirius responded. “Judging from when Snuffles usually likes to eat.”

“Do you work on Saturdays?” I asked, unfamiliar with the hookah bar’s weekend schedule since I only went there during the week. 

“Yeah, I work at noon today,” answered Sirius as he rolled over and took all of the blankets with him. 

“Stop it, it’s cold!” I chastised, as I made a move to pull the blankets back over.

Snuffles took that with offense, as I had moved my hands away from scratching his head, and jumped up onto the already crowded bed.

“Hey, buddy!” Sirius greeted the dog with a friendly pat on the side. “Is it time for breakfast?”

The dog barked quickly in response. 

“Scootch,” Sirius nudged me with cold toes. “He’ll bark and paw at you until he’s fed.”

“I’m glad my cat doesn’t do that,” I responded, successfully pulling some of the covers back to my side of the bed. “I like to sleep.”

“Sleep,” Sirius responded. “Just let me out of bed so Snuffles doesn’t trample me to death!”

I shifted slightly, causing Snuffles to jump over me and off of the bed. Sirius rolled over me gently, pausing to place a chaste kiss on my lips, in order to follow Snuffles into the kitchen.

“I’ll wake you in a little bit,” Sirius turned and said before he shut the bedroom door behind him.

I wasn’t sure if I could sleep any more, but being able to stretch out in bed was nice. While being able to sleep next to Sirius’s warmth was wonderful, the small bed and my tall stature did not mix well, especially with the alcohol from last night, and my muscles were sore. I rolled over and smiled wide when I smelled the scent of Sirius on his pillow. 

It had been so long since I felt this comfortable around anyone, and it both pleased and worried me. 

I drifted in and out of sleep until Sirius came back in to wake me up.

“We’ve got to leave soon if we're going to have enough time to get you to your car and back before I have to be at work,” Sirius explained, kneeling next to the bed and running his fingers through my hair.

“Mrph,” was my sleepy reply.

“Come on,” Sirius nudged me gently. “I made tea.”

“I love tea!” I said, over-excited as I rolled over to face Sirius. “I think I need more persuading though.” 

Sirius kissed my forehead gently before responding, “As cute as you are, I'm not kissing you with your morning breath.”

“Fair enough,” I replied. 

“There's an extra toothbrush in the bathroom if you'd like it,” Sirius said before hopping up on his feet. “I'll meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes.”

As much as I wanted to go back to bed, I didn't want to be the reason Sirius was late for work, so I grabbed my clothes from the floor where I discarded them last night and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. When I got there, I eyed my shirtless self in the mirror.

The two scars across my chest that normally bothered me didn't bother me as much after Sirius had given them so much positive attention last night. That thought, combined with a small red mark on my neck, caused me to smile as I finished getting ready. 

I headed out into the small kitchen to see Sirius reading a magazine with a mug in his hands.

I wrinkled my nose at the smell. “Coffee?” I asked. “I thought you made tea.”

“I made tea for you,” Sirius replied. “But I prefer a superior drink to start my day.”

I snorted as he handed me a mug of tea. 

I took a long sip before remarking, “You remember how I like it with honey, from the hookah bar. Thank you.” 

“Of course,” Sirius smiled at me over his own mug. 

I glanced at the magazine he was reading, noting that it seemed to be a mechanics magazine.

“Do you work on cars?” I asked him, curious.

“Not as much as I'd like to,” Sirius admitted. “I’m mostly self-taught for basic repair work, but I’d like to learn how to service and build motorcycles.”

“Have you thought about going to school for it?” I asked, remembering that the books I saw in his room last night.

“I'd like to, which is why I'm working at The Smoking Cauldron to save up some money,” Sirius explained. “Speaking of which, we should head out.”

Sirius made sure Snuffles had plenty of food and water for the day before he said goodbye to the dog and we left his apartment.

“I appreciate you taking me back to my car,” I thanked Sirius as we headed back to Madam Malkin's. 

“As much as I would like to hold you hostage, I'm assuming you have things to do today “ Sirius replied with a smile.

“I need to catch up on emails and try to figure out what work I missed this week” I sighed. “But I won't know for sure what all I have to do until I'm back on Monday. Sometimes my kids aren't too great with a substitute.”

“I know you said you were ill, but was it a stomach virus or something? A week is a long time to be out,” Sirius asked. 

I paused for a minute before responding. If Sirius hadn't judged me yet, hopefully he wouldn't decide to judge me now.

“Thanks to my gender issues, I mentally can't make it in when I have my period,” I explained. “Such a reminder of the fact that I'm still mostly female-bodied makes me want to claw out of my skin.”

“I could see where that would make it hard to teach,” Sirius said softly. “Does your administration know?”

I shook my head and replied, “Unfortunately, they're notoriously anti-LGBT. Not enough to be fired or anything, but enough where I need to stay in the closet about everything.” I sighed heavily. “I'm worried one day I'll be fired for having so many absences, but I always have substitutes lined up to cover my classes, so I think I've gone under the radar for now.” 

“That's good,” Sirius agreed as we pulled into the parking lot of Madam Malkin's. “You're not the only one whose car got left behind last night.”

I nodded in agreement. The parking lot was still about a third of the way full. However, a lot of the cars were occupied with at least one sleeping person, in various states of undress.

“My car is over there,” I pointed to the corner of the lot.

“Can I have a kiss before you leave?” Sirius asked as he pulled of next to my car.

“Of course,” I replied with a smile. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt and scooted as close to Sirius as possible, grabbing the back of his neck and a fisful of hair with my hand. I kissed him gently, savoring his taste. 

While last night and this morning had been fun, I wasn't sure when I would get another chance to kiss him like this.

Sirius flicked my upper lip with his tongue before he pulled away.

“Text me when you get to work safely?” I asked him.

“I would need your number first,” Sirius replied with a laugh.

All of this, and I had neglected to give him my number, I chastised myself.

Sirius handed me his phone and I quickly put in my number before leaving to sit in my own car.

Sirius waved goodbye to me before making a show of peeling out of the gravel parking lot, leaving me to think about the last thirty-six hours.

I had fun, no doubt, but my anxiety wouldn't let me leave it alone at that. I lit up a cigarette and thought. Sirius seems like a genuinely good dude. But it seemed that genuinely good dudes always had some secret flaw. In this case though, I knew his: a drug-dealing prison-sentence past. While a pretty major flaw, Sirius seemed willing and capable to overcome it. He has no problem with me being transgender, nor did he have an issue when I stopped us from having sex last night. Plus, he had a dog and made me tea. What more could I want?

Of course, that leaves me to screw something up, I thought as my car window was un-fogged enough to drive home.

However hard I tried to make relationships work, some sort of insecurity always got the best of me. Rationally, I can analyze every situation and logically decide what should be done. But did I always make my decisions based off of what I should do? Hell no. I tended to ruin things before they became too good and allowed the other person the opportunity to ruin me. Hopefully I could avoid that trap this time.

I arrived at my townhouse and was pleased to note that nothing catastrophic seemed to have happened in my absence. Sirius texted me to let me know he got to work okay, I texted him back with a picture of my cat Minerva, and that was that. No need for further conversation today, which was nice, and allowed me time to check my work emails and drink some more tea.

It seems that my absence at work had been noticed more than usual, as two of my students antagonized the substitute teacher enough where she sent them to the office. That got the principal involved, which caused her to send me an email asking for a doctor's note for my illness. While I didn't have one this time, or for my other monthly absences in the past, I figured I could try to find a psychologist around me who would be able to write a doctor's note for future absences. With that thought, I spent the rest of the evening researching various therapists and clinics in the area and called around. Talking on the phone made me nervous but I figured, hey, if I can go on a date and see a future with someone for the first time in years, than making a phone call can't be that scary, right? I made an appointment for the beginning of January. I would deal with the nerves associated with the appointment later.

Happy with my accomplishment for the day, I decided to give Minerva some extra attention since I was gone yesterday. She remained aloof, in true cat fashion, but I think she appreciated the playtime.

Now all that was left was for me to head to bed and hope that I'd wake up to a text from Sirius. I could text him first, of course, but then I would feel too needy and like I was pressuring him, so for now I’d rather wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	6. Life Changing News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus spends an evening at the hookah bar and ends up having to make decisions he didn't expect.

“Remus! I haven’t seen you in almost two months!” Tom exclaimed as he headed to the door of the hookah bar to check my licence out of habit.

He marked my hand with a check mark, as if it needed to be proven that I was over-age, as I answered happily, “I’ve been busy spending time with your newest employee!”

“Ohh, really?” Tom asked, a brotherly glint in his eye. “How is that going?”

“Really well, actually,” I replied with a grin. “He’s awesome, and doesn’t mind a lot of the things about me that drove other guys away.”

“I’m really glad,” Tom answered. “You both deserve someone decent.”

“Thanks, Tom,” I said with a smile as I headed to my normal seat by the window.

I had a stack of papers with me to grade, as usual, but I was looking forward to this assignment. The seniors that I taught had to explain what they wanted to accomplish within their first five years out of high school, and what historical event or person they could use as inspiration. With a strict curriculum, especially for the seniors, it was nice to be able to see something with their own voice in it.

“Hey, Remus!” Sirius said as he brought as my hookah and tea.

“Hey, Sirius,” I replied. “How are you doing?”

“Good, but it’s a slow night,” Sirius responded. “I’d been thinking about some things I’d like to talk to you about later if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” I replied, nervous. 

Whenever people said any variation of _We need to talk,_ I immediately assumed it meant we were either breaking up, or someone was dying. Or, in one case, both.

“Let me just check on the other table, and I’ll be back,” Sirius replied with a smile.

 _He didn’t seem worried,_ I noted. _But I doubt he would be one who would display negative emotions on his face._

I focused on the student’s papers in front of me and tried to distract myself from my anxiety. A lot of the answers were good, but not spectacular. Most of the kids wanted to complete college in the next five years. A few of them knew what they wanted to major in, but most didn’t, and they all picked famous intellectuals or athletes as their person of inspiration. The one that stood out to me the most was one student who wasn’t too great in my history class, but would come eat lunch with me some days and seemed like he was growing into a really good person. His answer was simple: in the next five years he wanted to be happy. At first, I chalked it up as a cheesey response, done only because he thought that was the answer I was looking for. But the more I read, the more his response proved to be genuine. He explained that he wanted to know who he was, and if that was someone who excelled at college than that was nice, but it didn’t have to be. If it was someone who discovered a hidden artistic talent, he would be fine with that too. He didn’t care if he was single or in a relationship, as long as he was happy. He explained that he didn’t expect life to be without challenges, but he wanted to be able to meet them with success. At the age of seventeen, this kid was more aware of what true fulfillment was than most people my age, or older. My favorite part of the assignment was that he referenced Benjamin Franklin as his inspiration because even in Franklin’s old age, he was constantly trying new things and looking for new ways to be happy. Whether this student knew that a lot of Franklin’s interests were sexual, or just generally deviant, didn’t matter. It was really nice to see a student with such a good set of goals for such an abstract concept. It reminded me why I loved teaching so much.

I was lost in my interest in my papers when Sirius returned to stand by the booth I was sitting at. By this time the other table had left and it was just him, me, and Tom in the bar. Tom made a point in looking in our direction before disappearing through the beaded curtain to the back,

“What’s up?” I asked, pushing my papers aside.

“My mom is dying and I would like you to come to her funeral with me, when it eventually happens, as my boyfriend,” Sirius responded in one quick breath.

I wasn’t sure how to answer. In true Sirius fashion, that was a lot of life-altering information in one sentence.

I decided to tackle it in pieces.

“Sirius, I’m so sorry about your mom!” I said as I squeezed his hand. “What’s going on?”

“The doctor’s think it’s a virus of some sort, but she’s just generally deteriorating really quickly,” Sirius explained. “And honestly, I’m not too upset about it. It’s going to be worse having to go see my dad than it is having to go to her funeral.”

“I wish I could say something that would magically help,” I said softly. I took a moment to rummage through my bag before grabbing a piece of chocolate and offering it to Sirius, “Eat this, please.”

Sirius smiled and took the chocolate, sitting down on the edge of the booth to eat. 

“I think me not being home is part of the reason she’s dying,” Sirius admitted quietly. “Her hatred and just general spite for me is what kept her going.”

“I doubt that, Sirius,” I said in an attempt to comfort him.

“I’m being honest, Remus,” Sirius replied. “My mom hates me. She hates that I like men, she hates that I moved far enough away where she can’t show up to my house at two in the morning to yell at me, and she hates that I’m not a fuckup anymore for her to complain about. I really think she thrived when I was in jail because it earned her the sympathy card from the neighbors.” Sirius altered his voice so it sounded higher than normal as he continued, “My poor self has to deal with such a horrible child. It can’t be me, right? My other son is a wonderful boy, making himself useful in the white collar workforce, while Sirius continues to hurt me. Woe is me.”

It made me incredibly uncomfortable to hear such hatred from a mother to her own son, but I had no doubt that Sirius was telling the truth. His eyes were dark with memories of his family, and little statements and movements he made throughout the day indicated to me that he had been abused in the past. I wanted to be able to help him, but I couldn’t quite relate enough to do so. Sure, my parents and I had our issues before they died, and they didn’t like that I am transgender, but I don’t think they would ever openly gloat over my misery.

“I’m really sorry, Sirius,” was all I could reply as I patted the back of his hand. “Of course I’ll come with you.”

“Before you agree to that, think it through,” Sirius insisted. “Their venom will rub off on you. They’ll hate you, and they’ll try as hard as they can to make you hate me, too.”

“Sirius, I could never hate you,” I assured him, honestly. “I am so happy with you that nothing, not even your family, can change that.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Sirius’s eyes were soft. “Would you like to go on a date then? As my boyfriend.”

“I would love to,” I replied, unable to keep the joy out of my voice, even though we had just switched from a solemn topic. “Hopefully to somewhere more positive than your mother’s funeral!”

“I would hope so,” Sirius replied with a wide smile. “Back to Madam Malkin’s?”

“Definitely,” I replied. “They have their Christmas Drag Show this upcoming weekend if you’d like to join me.”

The chimes at the door sounded, indicating the arrival of customers, and Sirius quickly got up.

“I’ll meet you there at seven on Saturday,” I told him as he walked away.

“I’ll look forward to it,” Sirius replied with a wink as he went back to work.

While I enjoyed our last outing, it would be nice to go out on an official date this time.

With that happy thought, I went back to grading my papers, determined not to leave any work for me to have to finish over the weekend, just in case the date went _really_ well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	7. The Christmas Extravaganza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus are entertained by a Christmas themed Drag Show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas! It's a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> (It's the last bit of happy these boys are going to have for a while.)

“Have you ever been to a Drag Show before?” I asked loudly so Sirius could hear me above the noise of the DJ and the crowd at Madam Malkin's.

“Nope, I can't say I have,” Sirius responded, leaning in close so I could hear him. “But I think this would be a good first show to see.”

I nodded in agreement, not bothering to try to shout so Sirius could hear me, and leaned my head against his shoulder. Sirius may have been a bit shorter than me, but my head fit perfectly against his shoulder when I leaned over at the right angle, and I loved being in physical contact with him. 

This particular show was their Holiday Extravaganza and the stage was set for the occasion. Giant, shiny gift boxes replaced the usual wooden podium and metal DJ table, fairy lights hung from every possible surface, including straight down from the middle of the ceiling, and each table and bar top was wrapped in holiday paper. Even the coasters for the beer and the wristbands to prove we were of-age were holiday themed. Besides being a fun show, each Drag Queen was raising money for a charity of their choice, most of them choosing seasonal ones such as Toys for Tots and local food banks or coat drives. They went all out on their outfits--even more so than normal, to fit the extra festive atmosphere and to help raise even more money for their charities. Last year, one of the Queens dressed up as a Christmas tree, complete with working lights plugged in with an extension cord as she danced across the stage.

It was standing room only tonight, so Sirius and I were close together, even before I decided his shoulder was a good place to rest my head. We each had a beer in hand, mine a Heineken, his a Flying Dog, and we staked out our spots carefully. We were both fairly tall so we didn’t want to stand in the front and block the view of shorter audience members, but the number of guys in heels in the audience made it hard for us to see. So, we got here early and grabbed some beer to find the perfect spot. I was excited to introduce Sirius to the world of Drag Shows! 

The bar lights dimmed and the stage lights came on as the DJ switched his music to get ready for the Queen’s performances.

“It's starting,” I whispered excitedly to Sirius, lifting my head off of his shoulder and smacking his arm lightly.

Sirius smiled at me in response before we both focused on the stage.

Cheers and applause arose from the crowd as the first Queen came out, dressed as Mrs. Clause in a full-length, faux-fur-lined coat. She briefly explained that the purpose of tonight’s show was to raise money for charity, and encouraged us all to buy more drinks as the show went on. She listed the Queens performing tonight, as well as their individual charities they were helping. After the formalities were done, she pushed off her heavy, long coat with a dramatic flourish to reveal a barely-there outfit of green sequins and red pom poms that she wore underneath. She then proceeded to start the show as she lip synced and provocatively danced to the song Santa Baby, making a point to touch the hands of as many people in the audience as she could as she collected the money being offered to her in small bills.

At the end of her set, two men dressed as elves came out on stage to pick up the money that had been tossed on the floor instead of given directly to the Queen, each man earning his own set of applause for their scantily clad outfits as they blew kisses to the crowd.

Up next was one of the older Queens, dressed up in a flapper-style green dress with a headpiece made entirely out of green Christmas ball ornaments. She danced around to Jingle Bells, shaking her head and causing the ornaments to jingle in time with the song. The smile on her face was contagious, and by the end of the song she had everyone in the audience shaking their keys in rhythm with the sleigh bells in the song, and of course, in rhythm with her jingling headpiece.

Again, the two elves came out to collect the loose money, earning whistles and cheers this time as they made a point to bend over seductively to pick up the money and flirt with the audience.

Then came Rudolph! A set of antlers, a red clown nose, strategically placed red suspenders, and brown booty shorts was all this Queen wore as she came out on stage. Instead of singing or lip syncing along to a song, she performed a bit from the original Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer claymation movie, earning an insane amount of applause for recreating the “she said I’m cuuuttteeeeee” line, perfecting it with the nasally voice and all.

Following her came the MC of the night, the first Queen who performed. She again explained the different charities the money raised would be going to and thanked everyone for coming. She then invited the elves out on stage to collect the money from the past act, introducing them as two brothers, Fred and George. As the brothers were gathering the thrown bills, the MC added “they're single, boys!” which earned a lot of applause, before she turned the stage over to the next Queen.

With this Queen, we saw one of the most elaborate costumes of the night: a bright red, floor length, sparkly dress with a complex, and heavy looking, green and silver feathered headpiece. This Queen did a wonderful salsa dance to Feliz Navidad, earning shouts and tips from everyone, partially for the fact that she managed to dance with such a huge headpiece on and not seem off balance for one second. 

Again, the elves came out to collect the loose money, but this time the Queen caught them off guard and salsa danced with each one for a few seconds, dipping them at the end, causing the crowd to erupt in even more cheers. 

Up next came a larger Queen, decked out in a long, white, faux-fur coat, singing--not lip syncing, but actually singing--to Aretha Franklin's song called This Christmas. Most of the crowd was silent in awe of her wonderful voice, so many people to forget to tip and most of the money earned at this set wasn't tossed to the stage until Fred and George came out to collect it.

Lastly was my favorite: the MC and host of the night came out in her trademark Christmas tree outfit that I remembered so fondly from last year. She wore a bell-shaped green dress wrapped in silver tinsel and red fairy lights and had Christmas ornaments as earrings. Her tall headpiece, featuring the traditional tree-topper angel, got stuck on the fairy lights hanging on the stage, but after untangling herself she did a wonderful performance to Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, swaying slightly to the beat as the lights on her dress lit up.

At the end of the night, the Queens made over $1,000 for charity, and entertained us all. 

Distracted by cheering and tipping, Sirius and I were so enthralled in the show that we didn't have time to talk until we outside smoking by our cars in the parking lot.

“How'd you like it?” I asked too loudly, my ears still ringing from the music.

“I liked it a lot,” Sirius smiled. “Which surprised me because I'm not a huge Christmas fan.”

“Why's that?” I asked, curious although I thought I knew the answer already.

“Not having a solid family makes Christmas lonely,” he admitted. “But this was fun!” 

“I'm sorry to hear that,” I said softly squeezing the hand he wasn't smoking with. “And you know you and Snuffles are always welcome at my place for Christmas.”

“Thanks!” Sirius smiled widely. “I may just take you up on that.”

We stood in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each of us lighting another cigarette, before Sirius suddenly said, “I have a question just out if curiosity, if you don't mind.”

“Shoot,” I responded, although my anxiety rose as I tried to guess what he was going to ask.

“I know Drag Queens are different than transgender individuals. But what are the proper pronouns to use for each of them?” Sirius asked.

My eyes lit up at his question. I was always willing to educate people about different gender issues and the social protocols surrounding them, and the way Sirius asked the question was so polite that it made me smile at his desire to understand.

“Honestly, it depends on the person. If someone is considered obviously transgender because they’re in the middle of transitioning, it's always most polite to ask them what pronouns they prefer. If someone is considered ‘passing’ as their preferred gender, like me, then it's usually safe to assume to use the pronoun of the gender the person is passing as. So, since I look like what one would expect a traditional male to look like, using male pronouns to refer to me is an appropriate assumption. Although, again, it's not rude to ask someone what pronouns they prefer unless they've already made it clear how they identify. As far as people who Drag go, a good rule of thumb is that when they're in costume you refer to them by the pronoun of the character they are portraying. So, Drag Queens are referred to with she and her, Drag Kings are referred to as he and him. Most Queens and Kings are not transgender though, so when they're out of character you refer to their biological sex as their pronoun. But again, there are always exceptions and most people don’t mind if you ask them, as long as you aren’t making a scene by asking them.”

“That makes sense,” Sirius responded. “I do tend to speak before I think, and one of my concerns is calling someone by the wrong gender. I know how awkward it can be when someone assumes I'm straight, and I can imagine being misgendered is even more uncomfortable.”

“It can be,” I admitted. “But as long as you're open and willing to adjust your pronouns if someone requests you do so, then you should be fine.”

I smiled at Sirius.

“It's really nice to see someone care enough about that to be concerned though,” I said as I leaned against my car.

“I may act like the confident asshole, but I don't want to actually be an asshole,” Sirius admitted.

“You're not an asshole at all,” I told him honestly. “In fact, I think you're quite a great guy.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. “You are too.”

It was too dark for him to see me blush, but I was so happy that I couldn't help it.

“It looks like people around us are starting to leave,” I pointed out reluctantly.

“Next time we should dive up here together, so we don’t have to say goodbye so soon,” Sirius suggested.

I smiled widely and replied, “I like the idea of a next time.”

We kissed goodbye, and I hopped in my car to head home, happier than I had been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	8. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius returns home for his mother's funeral and Remus goes with him as his boyfriend. They run into some awkward situations and a familiar relative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story, Tonks, Sirius, and Remus are all close in age.

The drive from outside of DC to upstate New York was long, lasting almost ten full hours, and my body was sore from sitting in the same position for so long. Sirius had insisted on driving, since it was his family and he knew the way, but his Mustang was built more for style and comfort of the driver, not comfort of the awkwardly-tall passenger in uncomfortably-fitting dress clothes. I was used to wearing dress clothes on a daily basis, but I usually wore grey and blue, not all black like I was wearing today.

Sirius had been uncharacteristically quiet for most of the ride, but considering where we were headed, I wasn’t going to push conversation. He casually flipped from one rock station on the radio to the next station as they became filled with static as we drove out of range, but that was it. The always-hungry Sirius didn’t even stop for food. We stopped once to pee, and that was all.

Now that we had arrived at the funeral home though, I felt like I needed to say something. I had been trying to think of just the right thing to say the entire ride, but I couldn’t get it quite right, especially since I was distracted by trying to read into every one of Sirius’s little movements to see if he was about to say something. Ultimately, he had remained quiet.

“Sirius,” I started. “I know my relationship with my parents was different than yours, but I do understand what it’s like to go back to a funeral and into a hostile environment… Half of my family didn’t know I was a guy until I showed up at my mom’s funeral, and none of them were pleased. The funeral got interrupted because one family member called the cops on me for ‘impersonating Reema’ and tried to get me arrested for identity theft because she refused to believe I was actually trans.”

“That honestly seems like something my family would do,” Sirius replied with a sad smile. “But the amount of venom that exists in my family is more than even you may be able to handle.”

“I’ve dealt with some pretty bad parent-teacher conferences though,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. I hated seeing the usually happy Sirius so down. When joking didn’t seem to work, I gripped Sirius’s hand gently before stating, “We can handle this together.”

Sirius sighed and set his face into a look of blank determination before he said, “I guess we should head in.”

I quickly straightened Sirius’s dark grey tie and brushed the hair that had fallen out of his low ponytail back behind his ear. He responded with a smile and rumpled my hair that I spent the last hour of the ride meticulously fixing into place. I sighed and quickly tried to put my hair back in place using the side mirror when I got out of the car, flipping over the long section of my hair to one side before finally giving up on getting it to stay flat.

Unsure of how ‘couple-y’ Sirius wanted us to appear, I stood near him, but tried to keep a respectable distance, as we entered the church. We received quite a few odd looks, which I ignored, following Sirius’s lead.

We passed the initial reception area where pictures of Sirius’s mother stood along tables, allowing the funeral guests to look back on her life. Sirius walked by these tables with barely a glance, and again I followed his lead, as we headed to the main area of the church. Some people were sitting in the pews, a few of them praying, and others were standing up by the open casket.

Sirius and I silently joined the group of people standing by the casket. I nearly gasped at how alive the woman looked:

Her blonde hair was placed neatly on top of her head in a tight up-do, her make-up meticulously overdone, and her nails on her hands that were neatly folded across her chest were painted a deep red to match her lipstick. Her black clothes were obviously expensive and tailored specifically for the woman who wore them. She looked proper, neat, and important, even in death.

“Hello, mother,” Sirius said, nearly hissing his greeting. “It’s a shame your spite didn’t keep you alive long enough to see me succeed in escaping your grip.”

“Sirius,” I said softly, uncomfortable with his approach. “This is not the place to air your feelings.”

“You have some nerve to come here!” a voice said, way too loud for this situation, interrupting any chance Sirius had at replying to me.

“Father,” Sirius replied, not turning away from the casket to address the voice. “I have every right to be here, at my own mother’s funeral.”

I looked behind me, curiosity not allowing me to face away from the man like Sirius was doing. I was a bit taken aback by the man attached to such a commanding voice. His black hair was thin and hung limp, emphasizing the lack of color in his face. His eyes were stern, not from being in mourning over his wife, but from decades of distancing himself from everyone around him. His jaw was set in an angry clench, causing his mouth to only barely move from its strict line when he spoke. His body was tall and thin, but his wiry muscles alluded to the malicious strength that was hidden beneath his tailored dark suit.

“Orion, dear, don’t trouble yourself with such people,” a black-haired woman stated, appearing out of the small group of people standing near the casket. “Today is about our dear Walburga and what a wonderful woman she was and all that she had to endure having such an ungrateful, wretched son.”

She stared at Sirius when she made that last comment.

Sirius made a noise in the back of his throat, as if he was tempted to make a remark to the woman who dramatically pulled his father away from the casket, but he otherwise gave no indication of the interaction.

I awkwardly stood next to Sirius as he seemed to be silently conversing with his mother. I figured it was for the best that he did not voice his thoughts outloud. 

 

Suddenly, Sirius smiled and turned to me.

“Let’s grab a seat,” he said, heading towards a pew in the back of the church.

We attracted a few more stares as we walked down the aisle, but received no comments, which I was thankful for. I wouldn’t have known how to address the comments, and didn’t quite trust Sirius to handle comments with the amount of grace needed at a funeral.

The pews started filling up and it became obvious that there was a wide space left around Sirius and me where no one wanted to sit. I didn’t like to be trapped in the middle of people anyway, so for now it was working well for me.

“Sirius!” a voice suddenly exclaimed in a surprisingly friendly manner. “I was wondering if you’d show up.”

“Hey, Tonks,” Sirius said, acknowledging the woman who plopped down ungracefully in the pew next to him. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“I figured I needed to make an appearance at family events everyone once in awhile,” Tonks replied with a grin. She eyed me up and down before nodding in my direction and asked, “Who’s this?”

“This is Remus and he’s _my_ boyfriend,” Sirius replied, putting his arm around my shoulder for emphasis.

“Nice to meet you Remus,” said Tonks, reaching around Sirius to shake my hand.

“Likewise,” I responded, happy to see a friendly face. “I like your hair!”

She fiddled with a long strand of dark-blue hair as she replied, “It’s usually pink, but I thought that was a tad bit inappropriate for this venue.”

I nodded in agreement as all talking in the church stopped and the funeral officially started.

It went much like any other funeral I had attended, but everything seemed a bit over done. From the extra-large flowers next to the casket, to the distinctly extravagant words the priest used, it was clear that Walburga was a well-respected, and slightly feared, member of this community. 

Every now and then a speaker would make a comment about Walburga’s personality, to which Sirius or Tonks, or sometimes both, would huff and cross their arms, but the service passed without event.

As the funeral drew to a close and the pallbearers removed the casket from the church, Tonks asked loudly, “Can we get some food?”

“Somewhere other than here, I hope,” I replied, nodding in the direction of the table offering sad looking crackers and flat soda as refreshments.

“There’s an IHOP near here,” Sirius responded, perking up at the thought of food. “I could go for some strawberry waffles!”

I was suddenly hungry too, and glad to be rid of the toxic company that attended this funereal, and the three of us headed to grab dinner before the long drive home.

********  
“Do you ever get anything that’s not chocolate flavored?” Sirius asked me, nodding at my waffles.

I smiled and continued to drizzle chocolate syrup on the already chocolate powdered waffles.

“I like chocolate,” I replied simply.

“It’s a happy flavor!” Tonks agreed, her mouth full of food. “But I prefer my blueberry pancakes.”

We sat in silence enjoying our food until Tonks decided to turn the dinner into a friendly interrogation.

“So, have long have you two been seeing each other?” she asked.

“Sort of a couple months,” I replied, trying to remember the when we officially started dating.

“Well, the fact that you’ve lasted more than a week is a good run for Sirius,” Tonks admitted with a laugh.

“That’s not true,” Sirius huffed. “I usually give someone two weeks before I leave.”

“Well, I’m glad I got past that landmark,” I joked. 

“And, you’re the first dude he’s dated who doesn’t have a beard,” Tonks continued, twirling her fork in the syrup left on her plate.

Sirius and I exchanged a glance. I didn’t really feel like getting into why I don’t have facial hair. 

“I like all sorts of men,” Sirius said with a smile as he squeezed my hand.

“You two are so cute, it’s sickening,” Tonks noted, sticking out her tongue. 

We all laughed, enjoying the little bit of levity to the end of a hard day before we had a long drive back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	9. The Coping Skill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explicitly deals with self harm, internalized transphobia, and mental health issues in general. Please, please, do not read if this will make you uncomfortable or in any way triggered. This whole story is rated in part because of this chapter!
> 
> Remus is left alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter explicitly deals with self harm, internalized transphobia, and mental health issues in general. Please, please, do not read if this will make you uncomfortable or in any way triggered. This whole story is rated in part because of this chapter!**

Sirius texted me when he got home safe, but I hadn’t heard from him since then.

I kept checking my phone every few minutes, hoping that Sirius would have answered me. I was usually against texting people multiple times in a row, since I already felt like a burden to people. But, I needed to hear from him to know that he was safe in his mind, not just physically safe at home. While his relationship with his mother wasn’t too great, losing a parent was hard, I should know, and I didn’t want him suffering alone. Also, he didn’t say much on the ride home and I was worried that he was impacted from his extended family’s lack of interaction with him. Being purposefully ignored in a room full of one hundred people was an awkward, isolating, and painful experience that I was all too familiar with.

After almost an hour of not hearing from him, I finally called him. My anxiety rose as the phone continued to ring, but when I reached Sirius’ voicemail, it wouldn’t let me leave a message since the mailbox was full. 

While I honestly wanted to know how he was doing, I selfishly also needed to hear from him for my own problems. Tomorrow I was scheduled to see the psychologist that I made an appointment with a while ago. She was going to determine if I was able to have a doctor’s note for my monthly absences from teaching, and I was worried. I didn’t do well opening up to people, and it is hard to explain the issues that come with being transgender to someone who didn’t experience them firsthand. 

I probably should have made an appointment with a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist so I could receive medication, if I was being honest with myself. While I had issues with my body rejecting medication before, I wasn’t sure if I would survive in my mind much longer. Each month with my period was a struggle. It’s hard for your body to be physically contradicting how you feel in your mind. It makes me wonder if my feelings are valid, and ultimately I always end up feeling like a fraud and hurting myself in one way or another, usually by drinking away my feelings.

I thought maybe this time, I would be a bit less of a danger to myself since I had Sirius to help me. He made me feel so much better about my body, my scars on my chest, and just general issues with my gender identity not matching my physical body. But with him unavailable, and me worrying about him, my body seemed to be bothering me even more than normal.

I tried to distract myself with Minerva, who tolerated me petting her for a little bit before she found a windowsill full of sun that was more appealing than me. 

Taking her rejection as a sign, well more of an excuse, and since I took off work tomorrow for my appointment with the psychologist, I figured drinking to distract myself would be okay, as long as I limited myself.

I was trying to be responsible and prevent myself from doing worse damage to stop my anxiety.  
I went to the kitchen and eyed my choices of alcohol: beer or bourbon. Feeling that beer was the lighter of the two choices, I pulled out the twelve-pack and settled in front of the TV.

Again, I was trying to make the responsible choice.

I started drinking and watching the History Channel, both good ways to distract myself from the turmoil that was going on in my mind thanks to my body and the lack of response from Sirius.

Next thing I knew, I was three hours deep in an Ancient Aliens marathon and half-way through my pack of beer. 

No harm done if I stop now, I decided.

My phone buzzed and I ignored it, expecting it to be some sort of weather alert or something similar, having already decided to myself an hour ago that Sirius didn’t want to talk to me.

I opened another beer, ignoring my own rational decision against it, and looked back at the TV. Now there was a show on Sex and Sexuality in the Ancient World. It was a discussion about how open the Egyptians were about their sexuality and gender identity. Honestly, it was not what I needed to see right now.

I started thinking. Maybe I should surround myself with more positive people. I could get a different job where I didn’t have to hide who I was. While I know I don’t need to be overtly gay in everything I did, it would be nice to not have to consciously have to hide any mentions of my sexuality or gender identity. It would also be nice if I could find someone else to talk to about the issues I felt with being transgender. In theory, the psychologist I was seeing tomorrow would be someone I could talk to, but I had low hopes about that. It would require me to open up, and I wasn’t quite willing to do that, even if I knew it would help me in the long run.

I could improve my life if, and only if, I could just talk to someone.

It was my decision to not open up to anyone.

I’m the reason I’m miserable.

I’m the reason I’m miserable.

My phone buzzed again. I ignored it. _Screw it,_ my drunk brain decided. _No one should have to talk to someone as miserable as me anyways._

I opened another beer. Who cares if my liver gave out? Certainly not drunk me. Sober me only slightly cared as it was.

Not Sirius, who neglected to text me back for hours today.

I fiddled with the bottle cap, absentmindedly twirling it in my fingers as I watched TV without retaining what the historian was talking about. I didn’t care anymore. I got the point. The Ancient Egyptians were free and happy and dead. I was none of those.

In line with my negative thoughts, I noticed that one of the scalloped edges on this bottle cap was particularly pointed. I ran my thumb over it, barely applying any pressure and could feel a small line of blood that arose there.

Sure, I had self-harm scars, but that was from ten years ago. Was I really willing to resort to that again?

I ran my forefinger over the cap, drawing yet another line of blood.

It was nice to have something to focus on that wasn’t the cramps and blood coming from between my unfortunately female legs. 

I glanced at the clock. It was past midnight, and I should go to bed. Nothing good ever happens this late when I’m alone and drunk.

I left the empty bottles on the table. Minerva never bothered them before, so I wasn’t concerned that she would bother them now.

I grabbed my phone with the intent on setting my alarm to I wouldn’t miss my appointment for tomorrow. Instead, I opened it to two texts from Sirius. The first read, “Hey, sorry I didn’t answer. I came home and fell asleep.” The second read, “I know you’re worried, but I don’t want to talk right now, sorry.”

Cool. So now the one person I cared about was choosing sleep and isolation over me.

As soon as that thought left my head, I realized that it was wrong of me to fault Sirius for that. Sirius had other issues going on. His mother just died and he had to face his abusive father. The last thing on his mind should be worrying about me. I should be able to take care of myself.

How can I help him when I can’t even help myself?

Well, I could help myself feel better. Not in any way that any psychologist or psychiatrist or sane person would be okay with. But it would help.

I headed to my room and rummaged through my underwear drawer, searching for a box that I knew I had hidden there long ago. In my search I came across a pair of boxers with a bloodstain on the crotch: the perfect representation of what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I just be a normal girl that liked guys? That’s socially acceptable, right? Instead, I had to fuck everything up and be a guy who was born a girl that liked guys. Ultimately, it’s the same end, right? Why did I have to make it complicated?

I tried to rationalize with myself. I didn’t choose to be transgender. It was a process of discovery in and of itself, that was scary and freeing all at the same time. When I learned what being transgender was, I realized it fit me perfectly. It explained so many feelings that I had had for so many years and didn’t know what to do with or why they were there until I learned what being transgender was.

But now, it was causing me to miss work and mess up relationships. It was part of the reason why I hid from people. I’m sure, even if Sirius insisted otherwise, it was one of the reasons he didn’t want to talk to me. After all, why would he hide himself away in his grief?

I hid myself away in my grief all the time. But that’s me. Sirius is normal and healthy and presumably able to cope better than me, so it couldn’t be a simple coping mechanism. It had to be something wrong with me.

It was something wrong with me.

Once again, my drunk brain was not helping me out of my destructive thoughts.

I found the box I was looking for and opened it, revealing two small razor blades that I had taken out of a shaving razor years ago.

A woman’s shaving razor, I reminded myself.

This was my last chance to talk myself out of it. 

Sure, I had opened this box many times before, but always closed it before hurting myself. The scars were scars because they had healed and they were in my past and I wanted to keep it that way.

They could stay in the past if I could just move on, get over myself, and be normal.

The intruding thoughts were not going to let me close the box tonight.

I set the open box on top of my dresser and changed into my pajamas. I figured doing a habitual task like that would distract me from wanting to crawl out of my skin.

I was wrong. 

In my preoccupation with getting drunk, I had neglected to acknowledge that I needed to actually do something about my period and now had a second pair of bloodstained boxers to add to the other one in my drawer.

Frustrated, I tossed them in the hamper.

Now I was naked, bloody, and upset. A perfect combination to be solved by a razor blade.

Still, I knew better. I knew that while it would make me feel better for right now, I would just feel guilty about it in the long run. And if I was going to see a psychologist tomorrow, I would be morally obligated to tell her about this. That would just complicate things and distract from the real reason I wanted to talk to her--to obtain a doctor’s note so I wouldn’t have to face the wrath of my school’s principal.

I wouldn’t have to face her wrath if I was just normal, I reminded myself.

Without making it a conscious decision, I grabbed the razor blade and swiped it across my thigh in one quick motion. It was second-nature to me. Again and again, this new blood joined the rest that had dropped onto my shirt laying on the floor beneath me.

I didn’t care. I finally had release.

The simple numbness the release brought wasn’t enough. I needed to reach the next step and feel actual pain to drown out my thoughts.

I sliced deeper this time, feeling the tear of the skin as it opened, the white fat cells exposed to the cold air.

Again, I replicated the motion, a second deep gash joining the first.

I switched to my arm. I already wore long-sleeves to hide my tattoos at work, what did it matter that I would wear them to hide my poor coping skills?

However, my hand was used to the extra-deep slashing I had just done on my leg and reflexively went to do the same to my wrist.

It was too deep.

The blood came out too fast and I fell to the floor, silently crying and dizzy, and landed in a naked pile on top of a bloody t-shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	10. The Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus wakes up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of this chapter is in third person POV, because Remus is currently incapacitated and unable to offer his view of what’s going on.

Sirius stood outside of Remus’s townhouse, a box of chocolate bars in his hand. He figured Remus was upset with him, since it was odd of Remus to not answer his texts, and chocolate seemed to be Remus’s go-to for problem-solving food.

Sirius knocked again, for the third time, worried that Remus was avoiding him. 

He must have knocked harder than he intended because the door opened slightly, revealing itself to be unlocked.

“Remus?” he called, letting himself inside.

It was rude, entering someone’s house without their permission, but Sirius didn’t always think things through, especially when he was worried that Remus never wanted to see him again after seeing his family and how they treated Sirius. Sirius tried to warn Remus they would convince Remus to hate him too, but Remus didn’t listen.

“Hey Minerva,” Sirius said as the cat came to rub up against his legs. “Where’s Remus?”

In the dim light that came from the still running TV, Sirius noted the large number of empty beer bottles on the coffee table. He went over to check the couch, looking for a passed out Remus, but instead found a calendar with today’s date circled with the label “Psychologist Appointment 11:00am.” 

It was only seven in the morning, as Sirius wanted to catch Remus right before he left for work, but if Remus had an appointment he should, in theory, be somewhere in the house.

Sirius hadn’t been in Remus’s townhouse before, but he assumed the bedroom was upstairs and quickly bounded the steps two at a time. If Remus had drank all of the bottles on the table, then he was in bad shape.

Sirius pushed open the first door on the second floor. It turned out to be a small office, with no Remus inside. 

The second door was a small, tidy bathroom, also with no Remus inside.

The third door revealed a bedroom, but Sirius hardly noticed that as he rushed to the pile in the center of the floor. The pile consisted of a pale, bloody, passed-out Remus on top of a t-shirt and a razor blade.

Sirius immediately called 911.

**********  
I awoke to lights shining so brightly that they hurt my eyes. I made a move to rub my eyes, but found my wrists restrained to the bed.

 _Odd,_ I thought. _My bed doesn’t have sides for me to be tied to._

My half-asleep brain tried to make out where I was. Everything was so bright and white, and it all smelled so clean. _But why couldn’t I move my arms?_

My eyes finally adjusted and I was able to look around me. A small TV mounted on the wall was the first thing in my sight. An ugly green chair in the corner appeared second. My feet moving under a stark white blanket caught my eyes next. Then my attention was gripped by the sight of my hands velcro-strapped to the sides of a hospital bed. I noticed bandages covering my wrist, and from a slight wiggle I could feel that my thigh was heavily bandaged as well. The back of my other hand had an IV catheter in it which was attached to a saline drip line next to my bed.

The events from the night before came rushing back to me, and I knew exactly where I was, since I had been here before. 

I was in the psych ward at the local hospital because I was deemed a danger to myself.

 _But how did I get here?_ I certainly didn’t call the cops on myself this time. _Maybe the psychologist had someone check on me when I didn’t show for the appointment._

I had no idea what time it was until an orderly came into my room with a tray.

“Look who’s awake for medicine and dinner!” she said cheerfully.

“So I missed lunch?” I asked, now knowing that it was later in the day than I expected.

“You missed breakfast and lunch, honey,” she said. “You’ve been out of it for so long we had to send your friend home.”

“My friend?” I asked, confused.

“He said his name was Sirius,” she explained as she took the saline line out of my IV catheter and pushed a syringe of medicine in it. “He found you, called the cops, and they suggested that he bring you here. He saved your life, dear.”

“Sirius,” I muttered. “Of course he was involved.”

The orderly eyed me curiously.

“He didn’t want to leave,” she explained. “But you’re only allowed so many hours of visits a day, and he exceeded those while you were asleep. He left his number though so we can call and tell him you’re awake.”

“I doubt he’ll care,” I muttered, still under the assumption he didn’t want to see me.

“He wouldn’t have sat here crying for four hours if he didn’t care,” the orderly insisted as she closed off the IV catheter. “You can drink by yourself now, right?” Without waiting for an answer she continued, “If you can’t, or don’t, I’ll hook you back up to the fluids.”

“I should be fine,” I explained. “I’m sorry you had to go through the trouble of caring for me.”

“Sweetie, no,” she simply replied. “I care for people because it’s what I do. And you need someone to care for you, since you obviously care so little about yourself!”

Her words were harsh, but true.

“So, when can I leave?” I asked, not wanting the hospital to waste attention on me longer than they had to.

“You’re on a three day minimum hold, honey,” her voice said softly. “It looks like you tried to kill yourself.”

“I didn’t!” I insisted.

“Well, it looks like it, so you’ll have to talk to one of the psychiatrists here before they’ll let you leave,” she explained. “And a minimum hold for a suspected suicide attempt is three days.”

“Even if I’ve been here before?” I asked, trying to get out of here.

She eyed me over the top of her glasses before replying, “Especially if you’ve been here before.”

“It’s been years,” I admitted.

“Well, for now, try to eat some food,” she gestured to the tray she put on the table next to my bed. “And then get some more rest. I’ll wake you for nighttime meds, and then tomorrow we can talk about you seeing the psychiatrist and your friend Sirius, if you’d like.”

“He’s the reason I’m in here,” I replied bitterly.

“Because he cares, sweetie,” she replied. “Just think about it, okay?”

She undid the velcro straps holding my wrists to the bed.  
“We weren’t sure if you’d try to rip out the IV or anything like that when you woke up,” she explained. “It’s nothing personal.”

“I understand,” I nodded. “I don’t intend on hurting myself or anything like that for a while, and definitely not while I’m here.”

“That’s good,” she smiled. “Now eat up.”

I was left to eat with my own thoughts. I noticed that the blood had been cleaned off of me and I was properly gendered on the medication board that hung in my room. If the nurses here were so accepting of my gender, after having to clean up blood that revealed my biological sex, then maybe I could accept myself too. 

Such a radical idea was weird to me. Self-love was never something I was good at. But hey, I was a historian after all. Maybe I could pretend to be John Lennon or some other hippie who loved everyone? After all, if I loved everyone, I’d have to love myself too, right?

I absent-mindedly flipped through the TV channels when I was done eating, trying to find something to distract myself from the thought that Sirius brought me here. That meant that Sirius had decided to come see me at home, which was odd since I wasn’t planning on having him over, and that he had seen me at one of the worst points in my life. Not only that, but he saw me and helped me by bringing me to the psych ward. I had trouble admitting that I needed to be in the ward right now, but deep down I knew it was true and that Sirius had probably saved my life by bringing me here.

But I was so irrationally angry at him for doing that. Even if I hadn’t planned to die, would that outcome have been so bad? 

I didn’t think so, but apparently everyone else disagreed.

The nurse came in with a generic sleeping pill for me to take. Since I wasn’t currently on any antidepressants or anything like that, their goal was just to get me to sleep through the night without hurting myself before I could talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow.

A dreamless sleep sounded like a wonderful escape from my thoughts and I happily let the medicine lure me to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	11. The Walk Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is released from the hospital, he feels a lot of shame, and he takes it out on Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Lots of self-hatred internalized judgement about mental health.

After the mandatory three day hold in the psych ward, where Sirius visited me every day, I was deemed stable and allowed to go home. I explained to them that it was a momentary lapse of judgement, and I lied a little when I said it didn’t happen often enough where I needed to go on medication. Perhaps in the future I would change my mind, but right then I just wanted out of the confines of the hospital. They believed me and sent me on my way, with a list of crisis hotline numbers to call in the future if I needed them.

I called Sirius as I left to let him know I was leaving, and he was going to meet me at my townhouse. I think all he wanted to do was give me a hug, but in the psych ward you aren’t allowed to physically touch anyone, even your visitors, so we were unable to hug there. I could really use one of his wonderful hugs right now.

I arrived home before Sirius and a feeling of dread hit me as soon as I walked through the door, pulling me out of my thoughts of a happy Sirius hug.

Everything was incredibly neat and tidy.

Now, that’s how I like to keep my house. But I know that I did not leave it in such good condition the night before I ended up in the hospital.

I had given Sirius a key to come over to take care of Minerva, but he apparently cleaned up after me, too.

I should be happy about that, but instead I felt embarrassed. I’m a grown man and I should be able to clean up after myself. 

But instead, I was too weak and let myself end up in the hospital which forced Sirius to take care of me. He did the dishes, threw away all of the empty beer bottles, and ran a load of laundry. The more I looked around, the more I realized what he had done for me. 

Again, I knew I should be grateful, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel that. I got irritated when I noted Sirius had thrown away all of my alcohol--not just the empty bottles. He threw away the bloody towels and boxers, for which I was thankful, but he also threw away my razor blades. Those were almost like a safety blanket for me that I needed to have, even if I needed to remind myself to never use them again.

He also stocked up my cabinets with soup, crackers, and fruit, as well as bought litter and food for Minerva. 

It was so obvious that he cared, but I was so ashamed that he had to take care of me that I felt nothing but anger towards his actions.

I went over to pet Minerva, feeling guilty that I left her for a few days, and waited for Sirius to arrive. 

I didn’t have to wait long, and when I let him in I was still irritated.

“It’s nice to see you at home!” Sirius said immediately as he gave me a hug.

I flinched, my body still sore from the self-inflicted wounds and sleeping on the hard hospital bed, but I hugged him back.

I wanted his hug to erase any negative feelings that I had. I knew they were misplaced, and I knew they came from shame about myself, but I stepped back from Sirius’s hug still feeling angry at him.

“I hope I fed Minerva enough,” Sirius continued. “She always seemed to be meowing for more food, but I think she was alright.”

“Thanks Sirius,” I said softly, unable to meet his gaze.

He just smiled at me and I noticed that this was one of the few times since I had met him he seemed distinctly uncomfortable. The fact that being around me made him uncomfortable made me feel even worse about everything he had done for me. 

I knew this routine well. Once people found out I had been in the psych ward they would treat me like I would break if they breathed too hard in my direction. It got frustrating in ways that I could never be able to explain. Rationally, I know it comes from a place of caring and concern, but I interpreted it as a way people thought I couldn’t take care of myself.

We stood in the kitchen in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Sirius broke it.

“I answered your phone once while you were gone,” Sirius explained. “Someone kept calling over and over again and I was worried it was the hospital and I would miss the news that you could come home. But it was actually the principal of your school.”

My heart dropped into my stomach. I knew what was coming.

“You’ve been fired,” Sirius said softly. “They said you’ve had too many absences without documentation or warning and they are replacing you with a different teacher.”

“Of course they are,” I replied bitterly. “Why wouldn’t I be replaceable?”

“Remus, stop,” Sirius said, stepping close to me and grabbing my face with his hands. “Just because they don’t understand doesn’t mean you need to think any less of yourself.”

“I’m not thinking less of myself,” I explained. “I just voicing what is honestly going on. I’m so bad at existing that I end up in the hospital. I can’t take care of myself, or my cat, or even buy my own damn food!”

The look of hurt that spread over Sirius’s face almost made me stop talking when he realized how I had interpreted his acts of kindness. But I kept going. I was too frustrated at myself to fully care about what I was saying.

“Why shouldn’t I lose my job, the one thing I care about? Why should it matter how many hours I’ve put into it outside of the school? If I was just _normal_ then I wouldn’t have this problem! I could show up to work the way an adult is supposed to, and take care of my students and myself and my cat,” I rambled. “Now I get to go back to being too poor to be worth anything!”

“You have other things in your life you can care about,” Sirius said gently. 

“My job was the one good thing,” I replied angrily. 

The hurt on Sirius’s face now turned to anger.

“The one good thing?” he asked. “There’s nothing else in your life that’s good?”

“No!” I said, frustrated. “Why would there be? The one thing I’m decent at is over.”

“You don’t consider yourself decent at our relationship?” Sirius asked.

“No,” I responded honestly. “I shouldn’t have to be taken care of. I shouldn’t need you to buy my food and throw away my alcohol and call the cops on me because I’ve hurt myself.”

“But you did need me to do that,” Sirius continued gently. “And that’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” I insisted. “It’s not okay and now you’re talking to me like I’m a child and going to break, and that’s not okay either!”

“Well fine, forgive me for trying to help,” Sirius replied with a huff. “I won’t make that mistake again, especially if all of my effort isn’t even enough for our relationship to count as a good thing in your life.”

“I didn’t ask you to help!” I hissed, my pride making me even angrier. “I never asked anyone for help.”

“I know,” Sirius said, crossing his arms. “You’d never let anyone help because that shows weakness, right? Well I helped anyways. And you know what? You’re too damn stubborn to even thank me for it. So, fine. I won’t help anymore. You won’t have to worry about being taken care of because I’m not going to be here to try.”

“So you’re leaving me?” I asked, no emotion in my voice.

“Yes,” Sirius replied, voice bitter with anger and hurt. “If I’m not part of a good thing in your life, then I don’t want to be a part of your life at all.”

Part of me wanted to tell him I was exaggerating when I said my job was the only good thing about my life. Part of me wanted to explain to him that I was acting out of my own frustration and shame and that I did need him, that I did want him, more than anything else in the world. 

But I couldn’t do it.

I let him walk out because I truly believed that no one wanted to willingly take care of me. I believed that I somehow manipulated him into caring and helping me and that meant he was better off without me.

If I looked at this with a rational, intelligent mind I would tell myself to grow up and stop throwing a tantrum, and to run after Sirius and thank him for everything he had done.

But emotions clouded my tired mind and I didn’t. I watched Sirius walk out and I said nothing to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	12. A New Job for Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets a new job that impacts how he sees other people, which in turn causes him to reflect upon himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update. I recently started going back to college and have been really busy.
> 
> I love when I'm able to explore how Remus sees himself and the world around him, so I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

I had worked at bars in the past. Restaurants, bars, and clubs tended to be more forgiving of my monthly absences because it was a matter of juggling a few shifts around, instead of the problem I ran into with teaching where a whole new employee had to be brought in either for the day or the week, depending on how things went and who was available. But I was still nervous about applying for jobs when my track record of employment hadn’t been too great. 

Okay, even that was being too generous. My employment track record was awful. I had been unemployed more often than not, and when I was employed, I only lasted six months or less until my absences caught up with me and I was fired. The recent teaching job that I had--which I had been fired from because of my absences--had been my longest-held job, and I couldn’t put my administrators as references on my new job applications because I doubted that they had anything positive to say about me.

I was lucky that job applications were online now because I was able to fill out almost twenty applications a day for two days. I figured even if my track record wasn’t that great, somebody had to be desperate enough to hire me. 

Three days later, I was nervously looking for more jobs, when I heard back from Madam Malkin's. They did a phone interview and it went really well, much to my surprise, since talking on the phone is hard for me. Two days later, I was hired because they were excited to have someone with both bartending experience and experience with the club in particular. Apparently they were used to having people apply for the job, say they were fine working at a gay bar, and then found out that they were uncomfortable around so many people with different sexualities and gender expressions, so they had a pretty big turnover. The fact that I had been to the bar and was clearly comfortable with the environment there was enough to outweigh the negatives in my employment history.

I tried to be excited for my first night, I really did, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop associating Madam Malkin’s with Sirius. Soon enough, the bar was so busy that I couldn’t focus on anything other than pouring drinks and making small talk, and slowly I fell into a comfortable routine.

When the rush died down, I was able to take a step back and look at the crowd. Like I had done as a patron, I marvelled at the different kinds of people in the bar. It was a show of just how progressive this area had become, since so many of us were able to safely congregate in one area. Even just ten years ago, we would have faced too much backlash for this kind of club to exist in this state. And I knew that there were plenty of places where people’s negatively turned violent and we wouldn’t be able to openly express ourselves, and because of that I was even more thankful for this bar. It was in this comfortable environment that I was able to look at what made us so different. Now, being more familiar with the alcohol consumed over the course of the night, I also analyzed why certain people drank as much as they did. Most people fell into certain categories: 

You had the uncomfortable straight friend, dragged to the bar by the gay men he worked with. It wasn’t his scene, but he didn’t want them to think he was homophobic, so he drank to keep his hands and mind busy. He had good intentions, and really didn’t care who other people slept with, but he was too preoccupied with the unneeded worry that people would think he was gay to actually enjoy himself.

You had the newly twenty-one-years-old crowd who were either uncomfortable with the bar scene or were uncomfortable with their openness about their sexualuity or gender, so they drank to steady their nerves. For some of them, this would be their only time in this bar, either because it was easier for them to remain closeted or because they were too nervous around this many people. For others, this would become a weekly venture as they explored their sexuality and grew more and more comfortable with their expressions of themself. I remembered being in this group a few years ago and opting to continue going to the bar because it was the one place I could truly be myself.

You had the men and women in their fifties, fully comfortable with themselves and the scene, drinking simply out of habit. Some of them were couples, some of them were happily single, and some of them were triads. The common trait here was just how comfortable they were with their gender expression and their sexuality and how appreciative they were of a safe space to express themselves. One day, I wanted to be in this group, even if it meant I was single. But for now, their level of happiness seemed unattainable to me. 

You had one or two people drinking to escape their problems, perhaps a break-up, perhaps rejection from their family, who sipped their drinks methodically and one after another, with no concern for how the alcohol impacted their body. If I had been at the bar drinking tonight, instead of working, this would be me. I would be one of the people drinking in lament because I had driven the man I loved out of my life. I would be drinking in self-pity, with no care for how it affected me, because I was depressed. I would drink until I couldn’t remember Sirius’s name or the way that he made me feel. I would drink until I was able to look around and analyze people without his image popping up into my head. But for now, I remained sober, full of memories, and sad.

You had the occasionally obnoxious loud drunk person who drank because _they like who they become when they’re drunk._ Usually though, everyone around them did _not_ like who this person became when they drank. But, the general consensus here is that as long as no one is hurting anyone else, they can do whatever, and drink whatever, they want. I could never fit into this group because even when I was drunk, I was too self-conscious and worried about what other people thought of me to actually reach the loud and obnoxious stage of this bliss.

You had the slightly-tipsy flirters who drank so they could send the guy or girl across the bar a drink. Most of the time nothing actually came of this, but it was a good confidence booster to be on the receiving end of such a gesture. I only had a guy buy me a drink once, and while I was too shy to reciprocate the action, it caused my self esteem to skyrocket for the night.

With so many groups of people, everyone seemed to belong. But then you had me, who was stone-cold sober and miserable about love, but happy to have a job. I couldn’t solidly be miserable because I was thankful that Madam Malkin’s gave me a chance to earn an income and not be thrown out of my house for not paying rent. But at the same time, I had trouble justifying my need to have a house and a functioning job if I had no one to share my life with. As much as I loved Minerva and wanted her in my life for as long as possible, living with only a cat as a companion was not where I wanted to be in my life right now, especially after the past few months had been going so well.

I needed to decide if I was going to pursue Sirius again. Rationally, I know I needed to put aside my pride and explain everything to him, but I didn’t think I’d be able to without the courage of the alcohol that surrounded me. Maybe I could surprise myself and make a good decision for once, and convince Sirius to give our relationship a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	13. An Unexpected Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has one too many drinks at the bar where Remus works.

For the past two months, things had been going pretty well for me, if I stepped back and objectively looked at my life. I had gotten comfortable with my work at Madam Malkin’s, and I had a few regular customers that I enjoyed. We engaged in conversation beyond the usual small talk of a bar, and I even allowed myself to flirt once or twice.

If I acknowledged the nagging voice in the back of my head, I would be forced to face the fact that the few men I flirted with looked suspiciously like Sirius. They usually had the same dark hair, quite a few tattoos, and the most gorgeous grey eyes…

In fact, I was staring at a pair of those eyes right now.

“What’ll you have?” I asked, gesturing to the row of alcohol behind the bar.

I was trapped in his eyes. He finally looked up to meet my gaze, previously being distracted by digging in his wallet for money.

“Remus?” he asked, continuing to fiddle with his money, but now without any purpose other than to distract his hands.

“Sirius?” I responded, my eyes finally leaving his eyes to make sure that the body attached to those eyes and that voice was indeed Sirius’s body.

It was.

We held each other’s gaze for a brief moment before Sirius said, “two rum and cokes, please.”

I made the drinks as emotionlessly as possible. I took his money, being very careful not to brush his fingers. He wordlessly took the drinks, left the change, and slipped away into the crowd.

I turned to serve the next person who had come forward from the crowd, but I kept wondering who that second drink was for.

******

Thankfully, I was sufficiently distracted for the rest of the night, since it was a Saturday night and it was extra crowded because there was a Drag Show going on. I didn’t have time to watch the show, but I did occasionally look around the crowd to see if I could spot Sirius and the mysterious owner of the second drink.

Around two in the morning, the bar was mostly cleared out, since last call was over and the Drag Queens had left an hour ago. One-by-one, the drunkest patrons were collected by friends or cab drivers and safely made their way out of the bar. When only the drunkest, loneliest patrons were left, it was the bartender’s job to round them up and call them cabs.

Of course, the first person I ran into in the first corner that I looked in was Sirius.

He looked terrible--eyes puffy and bloodshot, cheeks flushed and sweaty, and body limp against the wall.

“Did you date leave you behind?” I asked, more bitterness in my voice than appropriate for the situation, especially since I was the cause of the end of our relationship.

Sirius looked confused for a few moments before a small smile appeared on his face.

“Both of those drinks were for me,” he explained.

Although it shouldn’t have made a difference, I was instantly happier knowing that Sirius was at the bar alone.

“It looks like you’ve had more than just those two drinks,” I unnecessarily pointed out in response.

As if in defiance, Sirius tried to move from his spot where he was leaning against the wall. He pushed his arms against the wall, sighed, and gave up, sliding further down the wall and into the corner.

I sighed, “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

I learned down to grab Sirius under the arms.

“Hold on,” he said, reaching out behind him to steady himself against the wall.

He leaned his head on my chest and inhaled deeply.

“I don’t feel well,” Sirius stated simply.

“Why’d you drink so much?” I questioned in reply.

Sirius was silent.

I wrapped Sirius’s arm around my shoulders and grabbed him by the waist.

“I can drive you home,” I said softly. “We’ll worry about your car later.”

Sirius just nodded in response, trying to talk his stomach out of its desire to empty its contents.

I hobble-walked to the door, my weight off-centered by Sirius’s. I couldn’t help but notice his appearance when we stopped to readjust. Sirius was leaning against my left side and his trademark black t-shirt was bunched up between us. The soft fabric of his shirt and the warmth of his skin were sending thoughts through my head that were inappropriate for the situation--not only was Sirius drunk, but we were fairly recent exes. Nothing about that would end well.

“You ready to go?” I asked as Sirius paused, adjusted his shirt, and stood up straighter.

He just nodded, focusing all of his energy on walking straight and standing upright. We walked out to my car, with only the occasional bumping of our arms indicating that we knew each other at all.

“This is mine,” I nodded when we reached a very average looking car in the middle of the parking lot.

“Your car is so boring!” Sirius slurred as he leaned against the side of the car.

“But it runs, and that’s what matters,” I replied, reaching around Sirius to unlock the passenger side door.

He caught my wrist on my arm’s way back to my side and pulled me around as I went to walk to the driver’s side of the car.

“Sirius,” I growled as he continued pulling on my wrist and arm until I was pulled up against him. “You’re drunk.”

“And horny,” he simply replied.

I swallowed. Part of my brain knew it would be wrong to reciprocate anything physical since Sirius was drunk. On the other hand, his close physical contact and the loneliness I’ve felt without him over the past two months, combined with my self-reassurance that he had been the one to initiate this contact, clouded my rational judgement and I pressed my body against his, fully pinning his body between me and the car.

I look at Sirius, waiting for him to respond as a way to further justify my actions.

I didn’t have to wait long, as Sirius tilted his head up to kiss my lips.

I sank against him even more, kissing him back, trying to communicate just how lonely I’d been over the past eight weeks without him.

He tasted like rum and cigarettes and happiness and home.

I deepened the kiss, pressing my hands against his chest and leaning into him. Sirius opened his mouth and brought his tongue into the kiss, and I just about melted. The tender, subtle movements combined with the strength of need silenced any rational thought that was left in my head.

After all, the parking lot was mostly empty, and the only people still there were engaged, or trying to engage, in activities similar to Sirius and I.

And, if I was being honest with myself, the slightly cold air of late night combined with the possibility of someone seeing was thrilling.

I tore my mouth away from Sirius’s mouth with incredible difficulty, which earned me a moan of protest from deep in his throat.

I tucked my head down and mouthed at his neck, sucking softly here and there, nipping in little places when I wanted to make Sirius moan particularly loud, and licking to sooth the skin that I irritated.

I felt Sirius slump back against my car, and for a moment I remembered his level of intoxication and I looked at his face with worry.

However, I was met with an expression that could best be described as a mixture of hunger and pleasure.

I smiled wolfishly at his face, pleased that he was enjoying this as much as I was, and I reached down to grab the crotch of his pants without warning. 

In response, Sirius let out the best sound I had ever heard: a long, deep, guttural moan, that caused the fire feeling inside me to flare up. 

I returned my mouth to his, hungrily sucking on his lower lip until it was swollen.

Suddenly, as if he couldn’t take it anymore, Sirius pushed his back against the car, launching himself off of the door and pushing me into the nearby lamppost.

The bloodshot cloudiness that alcohol had caused in his eyes was gone and was replaced by a feral glint of want.

“Sirius,” I moaned into his mouth as he tried to kiss me. “Perhaps we should move this into the car.”

“Definitely,” Sirius said, using his voice for the first time in a while. It was rough and gravely, both from little use and the fact that he had been smoking to ease his nerves all night.

I opened the front door to the passenger side and turned around to pull Sirius in. He gave me a very pointed look, sighed, and opened the door to the back seat of the car instead.

I laughed and stepped in, bending down to fit in the car without bumping my head. To my surprise, Sirius took the opportunity to slap my jeans-covered ass with a padded _smack!_ and I instinctively flipped around.

“Just the way I like it,” Sirius growled, eying me up-and-down as he crawled in the car and shut the car door behind him. “On your back and looking at me like you can’t wait for me to take you.”

I moaned out loud in response. Sirius and I had been intimate in a variety of ways over the months that we had been together, but we had never been intimate in _that_ way.

I nodded quickly, watching Sirius lick his lips as he looked down at me. We’d talked about boundaries before, like every couple should, and I admittedly had more reservations than your average guy, thanks to being trans, but I trusted Sirius to remember our conversations. However, he was still tipsy, well, borderline drunk, and I was nervous.

Sirius seemed to sense my hesitation and leaned down over top of me, gently resting his weight on me, and positioned his arms on either side of my chest.

“If I do anything that’s uncomfortable-or even if it could become uncomfortable, tell me and I’ll stop,” Sirius said softly.

I nodded.

“I need to hear you say you understand,” Sirius said, lifting his upper body up to look at me in the eyes.

It was moments like this that reminded me how much I loved him. As soon as that thought passed into my mind, a sharp pain shot through my chest as I remembered that we weren’t together anymore.

“I understand and I promise I will tell you if anything makes me uncomfortable,” I replied.

“Or could become uncomfortable, or in any other way problematic,” Sirius repeated.

“Exactly,” I replied, amazed as always at how articulate Sirius could be after consuming so much alcohol.

I guess Sirius was pleased with my answer, because he replied by lowering himself until his whole body weight was on me.

I slid my hands between our bodies and grabbed ahold of Sirius’s hips, pulling him down against me. I felt his familiar bulge and pushed my hips up, wanting our clothes to vanish and our contact to be skin-to-skin.

Sirius moaned into my mouth as he leaned down to kiss me. I kissed him back, hard, trying to communicate to him what I wanted. I pulled at his lips with my lips, continuing to grip his hips in my hands. I looked into his eyes and pulled back as far as I could until my head hit the bottom of the seat I was laying on.

“Please,” I requested softly, moving my hands from his hips to grip his thighs, hard.

Sirius finally decided he had teased me enough and tilted so he leaned on one elbow and pulled at the bottom of his shirt until he freed it from where it was stuck between us and pulled it over his head. 

I ran my fingers up and down his chest, committing the feeling of his skin under my fingers to memory for a long time, saddened by the fact that this might be the last time I got to touch him in this way.

I wanted to keep touching Sirius, but every time I realized that we no longer have what I want, I come close to crying.

“Sirius,” I said, my feelings suddenly too much. “We should head home.”

Sirius pulled back and looked deep into my eyes. I felt like he was looking into my mind and could tell that I was sad underneath the lust I displayed.

“We can continue this later, or tomorrow, if you want,” I continued, blushing at my sudden decision to stop what we were doing. “But I’d feel more comfortable if we talked about this first. We need to decide what we are before this continues.”

Sirius groaned in disappointment, but, to his credit, he immediately shifted his weight off of me. 

Sirius lightly kissed my lips and stated, “As long as I get to curl up with you tonight.”

I nodded in agreement, knowing that even if I said no he would still stop.

We adjusted our clothes and repositioned ourselves into the front seats of the car.

We sat in silence for a few moments until Sirius laid his head on my shoulder.

“You're the reason I drank so much,” he admitted. 

“Huh?” I asked, confused that he even wanted anything to do with me after the things I said to him when we broke up.

“As much as I'd like to say I'd be happy as long as you're happy, that'd be a lie,” Sirius admitted. “Seeing you happy at work in a life without me made me so incredibly jealous… and it absolutely crushed me.”

We sat in silence for a few moments again, Sirius surprised that he admitted all of that to me, and me unsure how to respond.

I wanted to ask him to take me back, but I couldn't. What if I pressured him into taking me back just because he needed a ride home? What if he felt like he had to say yes to us getting back together because he wanted to continue what we started in the back seat? 

_Fuck it_ I thought to myself. _Sirius wasn’t one to agree to things he didn’t want to do anyways._

“Can we try this again?” I asked, turning to face Sirius, disrupting his head from where it was still resting on my shoulder 

“Our relationship?” Sirius replied for clarification.

“Yes,” I said softly. “What I said to you when we broke up was out of shame for myself and how I felt, not a reflection on you.”

“I know,” Sirius replied. He laughed bitterly, “But it still hurt and pissed me off.”

I sighed, “I know. And I understand if you don't want to be with me ever again.”

“I do,” Sirius replied. “I would like to get back together with you.”

I smiled wider than I had in a long time.

“You know I'll have to ask you tomorrow to make sure your decision still stands when you're sober,” I explained.

Sirius smiled, “I know.” He kissed me gently on the forehead. “And I know my answer will still be the same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	14. Dreams of the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus wake up after they had encountered each other at the bar last night for the first time in a while. They discuss their relationship status, what they want for the future, and how they feel about certain aspects of their life. Somewhere in the middle of those discussions, shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is _extremely_ explicit, which is why I have changed the rating for the whole story. I think it is justified because Sirius and Remus explore a lot of their emotions through touch and sexuality, so this is the natural progression of things.
> 
> Please note that in this world, Sirius is a cisgender male and Remus is a transgender male. If reading that pairing could cause you issues (sometimes I can’t read stories with cis men because my dysphoria is too bad), please don’t read this. 
> 
> Also, my mysterious illness that has kept me from being able to function (and consequently from writing and updating this) has finally been diagnosed and I’m on medicine, so I’m doing much better. However, my brain is still a little foggy, so if I’m missing anything obvious or if there are more mistakes than normal, I apologize, and please let me know. Hopefully from here on out I will be back to posting a chapter every week.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Mmmm, Sirius,” I whispered, curling up against his back and enjoying his warmth as my half-asleep mind remembered what had happened last night.

Sirius was drunk, drunker than I’d ever seen him before, and upset over seeing me functioning without him. I had asked him if he wanted to try again at our relationship and he said yes, but he was drunk enough where I wasn’t sure if he meant it.

As I reflected, my anxiety grew worse and worse, wondering if Sirius would change his mind now that he was sober.

I was going to wait for him to wake up, I really was. But I had to know now. If I was going to enjoy his presence in my bed, I needed to know if this was the last time I could curl up with him.

“Sirius,” I whispered loudly, poking him in the back of the shoulder with my finger.

Sirius groaned and rolled further into the wall, but didn’t show any indication that he had heard my question.

“Siriusssss,” I said again, louder this time. “I need to talk to you.”

He rolled over and faced me, with only one eye open.

“Remus, yes, I do want to date you, but please let me sleep a bit longer. My head hurts like Hell,” Sirius bluntly stated.

He rolled over and was soon breathing heavily again with sleep.

I sighed with a smile on my face.

I loved Sirius’s ability to read my mind, and I loved the fact that I could enjoy his company fully, knowing that we had another chance to be happy together.

******

I woke up a few hours later to Sirius poking me in the side with his finger.

“Hey,” he was saying. “I thought I could sleep forever, but I’ve been awake for hours waiting for you to wake up.”

“I doubt you’ve been up for hours,” I replied, smiling as I turned to face him. “But I’m sorry I made you wait.”

“I guess it makes us even since I made you drive me to your house last night,” Sirius said, nuzzling my neck.

“I’m just glad you’re safe,” I replied, trying to focus on anything except how nice his breathing felt on my neck.

“I’m glad for the chance to try this again.” replied Sirius, moving his hand up to cup my neck. 

He kissed down my neck and nipped where the collar of my shirt had shifted to reveal the soft skin of the base of my throat. 

“Mmmmm,” I moaned. “We’re starting this again?”

“As long as you don’t mind,” Sirius said softly. 

I shook my head, “Not at all.”

Sirius continued kissing around the top of my shirt, licking and nipping at my flushed skin.

I tilted my head back, giving Sirius full access to my neck and jaw--my favorite place for him to kiss.

I ran my hands through Sirius’s hair, tugging slightly at the thick black locks. At a particularly sharp bite from him on my neck, I gripped his hair harder than I meant to and he let out a sharp moan.

“We’re playing that game, are we?” Sirius growled.

He quickly grabbed my sides and flipped us over so he was on top of me, straddling my waist.

“Safeword?” he asked suddenly, looking at me with his eyes clear of all lust.

“Hookah,” I said, stating the first word that came to my mind.

Sirius nodded and grabbed one of my wrists in each of his hands, stretching my arms above my head. 

He went back to kissing my neck, moving tortuously slow across my shoulder and up my arm and placing a kiss in the middle of my palm, while he still held onto my wrists, before repeating those motions on my other shoulder and arm. 

When he went to kiss below my shoulders, my shirt got in the way and he quickly took it off, revealing the binder I wore underneath of it.

“Remus!” he chastised. “You’re not supposed to sleep in that, especially since you’ve had top surgery!”

I blushed. “I honestly just forgot to take it off,” I said quietly. “Sometimes the scar tissue swells up and I get uncomfortable and worried about how it looks, especially when the weather is getting warmer…”

“I understand Remus,” Sirius said, carefully pulling the binder over my head and up my arms. “But you need to be careful.”

I nodded, glad that Sirius was able to take such good care of me, even when my own mind was clouded with lust.

He kissed along my chest, paying special attention to the area where my scars were swollen thanks to the air pressure caused by the change in the weather. His soft kisses and gentle dragging of his teeth were driving my senses wild.

“Sirius,” I whispered, taking advantage of his distraction from holding my wrists to slip my hands down to pull at his shirt. “You’re wearing too many clothes.”

Sirius smiled and sat up, swiftly pulling his shirt over his head, revealing all of his wonderful chest tattoos.

“Damn, Sirius,” I said softly, eyeing him up approvingly. 

“Are you okay with...certain things?” Sirius asked, looking down toward my waist. 

Having had extensive conversations about sex at times when we weren’t in the position we were in now, I knew what he meant.

“For now, yeah,” I replied, smiling. 

“Good,” Sirius said, looking at me with a devilish grin in his eyes.

He quickly leaned down to continue kissing my chest and shoulders, this time moving down to kiss my stomach and hips. 

He pulled slightly on the corners of my pajama pants, and sat up in defeat.

I smiled and wiggled out of them, grabbing at the front of the jeans Sirius had fallen asleep in to indicate that he should do the same.

Now we were both in bed in our undies--Sirius in loose fitting black boxers with red cherries on them, and me in grey boxer briefs with little Pokemon all over them.

“Cute, Remus,” Sirius said, nodding at my underwear.

“I wasn’t exactly expecting anyone to see them!” I replied defensively. I smiled wolfishly and added, “If they bother you so much, you’ll just have to take them off.”

Sirius grinned in response and mouthed at the front of my underwear, feeling the packer that I had there. He nudged that aside with his cheek and started biting at the soft skin of my inner hip through the fabric of my underwear. He licked under the band of my underwear, dipping his tongue as far down as he could before he bit the elastic band and pulled back. He looked up and made eye contact with me before releasing the elastic, causing it to snap back against my skin.

The quick sting of the band smacking into my skin made me moan, and Sirius took that as a cue to pull off my underwear, taking my harnessless packer off with it.

He pulled the material down my legs and over my feet before kissing his way back up my legs, pausing at my center. He looked up at me again, making sure that everything was okay, and continued after receiving a nod from me.

Sirius gingerly wrapped his lips around my hormone-enlarged clit (which stayed that way even after I stopped taking testosterone) and sucked gently, drawing a long moan out of me. The sensations he was sending through my body were incredible, and he treated my growth like a biologically complete penis, and it not only felt great physically, but was wonderfully reaffirming for my mental status and gender identity.

He licked and sucked until the sensations were too strong and I had to push his head away. 

Sirius just smiled and replaced his tongue with his fingers, gently moving them up and down until my breathing increased and he quickened his pace as he felt my body arch up into his hand.

Sirius continued his ministrations and leaned up to kiss my mouth softly, sucking on my lower lip.

“Cum for me, Remusss,” he whispered against my mouth, drawing out the “s” to send vibrations through my lips.

That was all I needed for my body to respond to what Sirius was doing to me, and I was soon shaking and cursing from his touch.

My breathing heavy, Sirius moved off of me so he was laying down next to me on the bed, curled up against me.

“Sirius, you are so wonderful,” I said breathily. “The responses you get from me…”

“I love your reactions!” Sirius said, his hand tracing patterns on my stomach.

“I love yours too,” I replied, grinning. 

After I had caught my breath, I hopped up on my knees and sat on my feet, leaning over Sirius’s body.

I made a move to kiss his chest, but suddenly changed the direction of my head so I quickly sucked his cock all the way into my mouth. 

His half-laugh of surprise and moan of pleasure was one of the best sounds I had ever heard.

I moved my head down and sucked softly on his balls, loving the moan I heard escape from his lips. His mouth was closed tightly and his brows were knit together, and I couldn’t tell if he was focusing on what I was doing or if he was trying to distract himself.

I licked up his shaft, sucking slightly on the vein that ran up his underside, eliciting yet another moan. I decided he was indeed focusing on what I was doing.

I brought my mouth up, sucking lightly on his head, pausing to nip softly at his tip, before licking him back into my mouth and hollowing my cheeks as I slid my mouth down his shaft, engulfing all of him in the heat of my mouth once again.

I drew my mouth up and lightly gripped his shaft in my hand, still keeping my mouth on his tip. I sucked hard enough to leave a hickey on his head, while moving my hand quickly up and down.

Soon I heard the familiar jumble of words from somewhere above my head where I assumed Sirius’s mouth was, and sped my hand up even faster.

I felt his warm cum spurt into my mouth, and I sucked harder, drawing every drop and every moan out of his body.

Soon his head became too sensitive for me to keep my mouth on it, and he pulled me up to his mouth and into a kiss. 

I stretched out and layed my head on his chest, enjoying hearing his heartbeat return to a normal rate from the racing pace that I had caused.

“Do you want to go somewhere today? Or stay here?” I asked, running my hands up and down his stomach, tracing his tattoos.

“We can stay here,” replied Sirius, snuggling against my side. “My head is still throbbing.”

I moved and adjusted Sirius’s body so that I was sitting behind him, my legs stretched out on the outside of his. He leaned his head back against my chest and I tilted my head forward to rest my chin on his shoulder. My arms mirrored his, and I had my fingers tangled in his fingers. If a moment was more perfect that this, I could not come up with one. 

“Sirius, I’m so sorry that I took out my stress and anger on you,” I admitted softly. “I have so much shame associated with being in the mental hospital, that I irrationally pushed it off onto you and everything you’ve done for me.”

“You explain too much,” was all Sirius replied.

I blushed and stopped talking, thinking I had overstepped some unspoken boundary between guys about discussing feelings.

Sirius seemed to sense that my silence was uncomfortable, so he explained:

“I’ve told you a bit about when I was in jail right?” I nodded. “I feel that same sense of shame because it was my actions that got me there. It was my fault. Yes, I got caught up in other things that other people encouraged me to do, but ultimately it was my decisions that landed me in jail. It made me feel like I couldn’t talk about my feelings, like they were invalidated because I brought everything upon myself. It’s like, I’m not allowed to have bad experiences without it being classified as my fault.”

I nodded again, unable to expressed how nice it was to have someone understand what it’s like to deal with mental illness, even if the parallels were from different reasons.

“I feel like, not only am I not allowed to feel bad about anything in the hospital because it was technically my fault for getting put in there, but that I’m not allowed to complain about anything trans-related because it’s my fault for choosing this,” I elaborated. “Which is why as much as I want to go back to teaching, I know it’s my own fault that I miss so many days and end up fired.”

“Remus, you choosing to be trans is like me choosing to be queer as Hell...” Sirius replied carefully. “No one in their right mind would pick either of those things, especially if they dealt with the things we have as a result.”

“I don’t mean that it’s bad…” I started.

“I know, Remus, but let’s face it. We live in a world where it would be easier for us, at least at this time and place, to be cisgender, straight, men,” Sirius explained. “But just because we’re not, doesn’t mean we aren’t entitled to a chance at achieve what we want in life.”

For once, I didn’t have a verbal response to Sirius. He was 100% correct. But beyond that, it was nice to see him talk with such conviction and passion. 

“You should go back to teaching,” Sirius said, the confidence in his voice contagious. “Seeing you at the bar is nice, but it’s not what you’re passionate about.”

“I could try to find a job at a school that’s more friendly to LGBT staff,” I thought out loud. “But I don’t know how to go about finding one.”

“There are usually schools that are for kids who don’t fit into mainstream schools that are probably more accepting,” Sirius pointed out. “We could look into it.”

“You don’t have to help me find a job,” I muttered.

Sirius turned to look at me. 

“I want to,” he said earnestly. “Let me help you, please? It makes me feel like I’m worth something.”

“You’re worth so much!” I started, knowing that neither of us could honestly see our own worth, so we just had to take the other one’s word for it.

Sirius just smiled at me in return, and we lapsed into a comfortable silence.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“I’m fine with being cozy in bed today,” Sirius replied, pulling the covers up even further.

“I mean with your life,” I clarified, laughing. “What kind of career do you want? I’ve seen mechanic books at your place, but I’ve also seen cookbooks and porn mags!”

Sirius smiled and responded, “My ultimate dream job would be to be a motorcycle mechanic.”

“Why don’t you go to school for it?” I suggested.

“I’m a criminal,” Sirius responded simply.

“But there are a lot of programs, specifically trade schools, that are in the business of “giving people a fresh start”, so they might not care,” I explained. “I had a few of my older students looking into some programs like that.

“Hmm,” was all Sirius replied.

I measured his silence for a moment before stating, “You could do it, you know.”

“Thanks, Remus,” he said softly, reaching up from where he had bunched up under the covers to kiss me gently on the lips.

“You’re wonderful,” I replied, returning the kiss. “I’m glad I have you in my life again.”

“Me too,” Sirius whispered into my mouth. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	15. Trust and Testosterone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fluffy story where Remus faces his monthly problem and Sirius is there to comfort him. 
> 
> Their conversation focuses on testosterone and the physical impacts it has on trans men who take it. 
> 
> Please note that this talks a lot about periods (although nothing super detailed), but if that subject would bother you, feel free to skip this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't integral to the plot, but it was fun to write because I think it shows just how much Sirius loves Remus, and how open he is to learning about everything he can to support Remus.
> 
> Also, if you want to know things about how testosterone impacts trans men, this chapter has a lot of details and fun facts for you!
> 
>  
> 
> **Please note that this talks a lot about periods (although nothing super detailed), but if that subject would bother you, feel free to skip this chapter.**

I called into the bar to let them know that my usual monthly absence was starting today and that they needed someone to cover my shift. My boss was accepting and wished me well, as usual. It was a nice change to be working somewhere that was transgender friendly enough where I could take off work because of my period and the surrounding dysphoria. 

But, without work to worry about, I got to focus fully on just how shitty I felt.

Every month until this point, I hadn't seen Sirius during this week because I mentally and physically felt so terrible that I had convinced myself that no one wanted to be around me right now.

Sirius, with his wonderfully stubborn attitude and key to my townhouse, decided that since he didn’t have to work today either that he was going to make himself at home at my place while I layed on the couch in pain and grumpy as Hell.

He even went as far as bringing Snuffles, and the dog’s giant bed, so they both could sleep over.

To his credit, Sirius didn't mention my period once. Instead, he filled the air with aimless chatter while we watched the Lord of the Rings movies and curled up on the couch. 

Apparently my groans and general noises of irritation had been louder than I thought and suddenly Sirius turned to me and asked, “Why don't you go back on testosterone?”

“It's a pain in the ass,” I replied. “Literally. It's a shot in the butt.”

“You had said something before about how your body wasn't processing it correctly?” Sirius continued, ignoring my comment to continue directing the conversation to where he needed it to go to make his point.

“I think so,” I sighed. “But in retrospect, I think the doctor was just unsure of what was wrong with me, so getting off of testosterone seemed like a good thing for her to tell me to do at the time. But I don't think it was necessary.”

“Then go back on it?” Sirius asked. “That way you don't have to feel like this” he waved his arms in my direction to indicate how sunken into the couch I was “every single month.”

“It's not that easy to get on,” I explained. “Besides, I got to keep some of the changes I achieved on testosterone.”

“Like what?” Sirius asked, sitting back and crossing his arms, as if he was determined to argue that I should go back on it, even before he knew much about it.

I sighed, not really in the mood to talk about any of this when I was too focused on my cramps and just generally irritated. 

“I don't know a lot, well anything, about it,” Sirius admitted, his body language softening as he sunk further into the couch next to me. “I just hate seeing you this miserable.”

“I’ve done so much research on testosterone, both before I went on it and while I was on it, that I could tell you way too much about it,” I started. “What do you want to know?”

“What changes do you have now that stayed when you stopped testosterone?” Sirius asked. He quickly added, “I’m not trying to picture you before you transitioned or anything like that… I’m just curious.”

I sat up a little bit on the couch, groaning at the pain near my stomach that increased when I moved. One of the impacts that testosterone had on my body is that every period I’ve had since I’ve been off of testosterone has been one hundred times more painful than it was before I started to medically transition.

“You don’t have to be so gentle about your questions, Sirius,” I started. “I don’t mind talking about stuff with you. It’d be different if you were some random person who didn’t know me and your first question was what’s in my pants--”

“I already know what’s in your pants!” Sirius cut in, smiling wide.

His smile was contagious and I laughed lightly. “I’m just saying, if I don’t want to share something with you, I’ll tell you, okay?”

“Good,” Sirius responded with a nod. 

“Well, I took testosterone for a little over a year,” I started. “I went off of it because I had having trouble with either my liver or my kidney, the doctor wasn’t sure which, and she wasn’t sure if testosterone was impacting that or not. I stopped going to her because while I’m sure she’s a good doctor in her own right, I don’t think she knew anything about trans patients so I didn’t want to be under her care if something wrong with me was trans-related. But by the time I figured that out, I had run out of the testosterone prescription and hadn’t made a check-up appointment with the endocrinologist. I put it off for so long that I’d have to go through the whole process again in order to get testosterone.”

“You can’t just go back on it since you’ve been on it before” Sirius asked. “Since you already have the prescription?”

“Nope,” I shook my head. “testosterone is a weirdly controlled substance, so I can only get three months at a time, and if you wait more than two weeks before refilling it, you don’t get to refill it at all. And the prescription itself is only good for two refills, so you have to go to the endocrinologist every nine months and get a bunch of blood tests done. And even before you get to the endocrinologist appointment, you have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and have the mental health clearance and the letter related to that in order to see the endocrinologist for the appointment to be medically cleared for the testosterone. It’s a pain in the ass, and the only part of the process I may be able to skip this time is the initial psychiatrist’s letter because I still have a copy of it somewhere, unless there’s a time limit on it or something like that.”

“So if you have to go back and get the blood tests and all that, won’t that endocrinologist be able to tell you if your liver or kidney or whatever can handle being on testosterone again?” Sirius asked. “So it’d be worth it to give it a shot.”

“If I do get on it again though, it’s not all wonderful,” I explained. “While my voice is deeper than it was before I went on testosterone, it may still get deeper, but I’m not sure. And my facial hair will thicken because I stopped testosterone before it was completely done showing up, so there’s a chance new hair will grow in where it’s awkwardly patchy now.”

“So I could be dating a hairy man!” Sirius joked. “Nice.”

I smiled, “Possibly. But I may go back to losing my hair from the top of my head.” I moved my bangs back and leaned toward Sirius. “See, that funky hairline I have is from some of my hair falling out when I started testosterone.”

“So I’ll have a furry, yet balding, boyfriend,” Sirius summed up, rumpling his hand through my hair. “I can dig that.”

“And pimply,” I added. “It’s like sending your body through puberty again, so I get the joys of acne.”

“Cute,” Sirius smirked. “But would it end your period?”

“Sort of. The period thing is weird. Sometimes you still bleed because your uterus thins on testosterone, which is why my periods suck so much now. But there’s an additional medicine I could take for that if it gets too bad,” I elaborated. “And my body fat redistributes so I’ll have a more traditionally masculine figure.”

“So you’ll lose your butt?” Sirius asked with a fake pout. “Damn.”

I smacked him lightly on the shoulder before adding, “It may continue to increase some of the, uh, downstairs growth that you’ve seen.”

“That would be fun!” Sirius said, his mind wandering.

“It’s a mixture of good and bad effects,” I summarized. “But ultimately I would like to try to go back on it again.”

Sirius thought silently for a moment, “Can I go with you to the appointments?”

“Sure?” I replied, confused. “Why would you want to?”

“I want to be the one to stab you in the butt!” Sirius exclaimed. “Although, in all seriousness, I would like to go with you so you don’t have to do this by yourself this time.”

“Thank you, Sirius,” I said softly. “You’re wonderful.”

“You’re wonderful too,” he replied, curling up against my side. “When you’re not all crampy and grumpy.”

“I don’t like it either!” I huffed. “It’s why I have an emergency supply of chocolate on me at all times.”

“Maybe you should eat some,” Sirius retorted with a grin, breaking the chocolate bar on the coffee table in two and handing me half

We sat silently watching the movie and eating chocolate for a minute before I laughed.

“Huh?” Sirius asked.

“I remembered something else testosterone changes,” I explained.

“What’s that?” Sirius asked, curious.

“My sex drive shoots waaaaaaay up,” I replied.

“Ohh, nice!” Sirius exclaimed, excited. “Now I won’t have to feel bad for wanting to jump your bones all the time?”

“ _Jump your bones? _” I repeated. “And you call me an old man all the time!”__

__“It’s a perfectly hip statement, thank you very much,” Sirius replied as he crossed his arms. “Either way, I’m looking forward to this increased sex drive.”_ _

__“Honestly, me too,” I agreed. “Although the number of times that I think about doing something with you, but I don’t initiate it, is already quite often.”_ _

__“Good!” Sirius responded. “Maybe we can try out the harness you discovered the first time you came over to my apartment.”_ _

__I smiled at that thought._ _

__“We’ll have to see,” I replied._ _

__Sirius made a move as if to kiss my neck._ _

__“But for right now, I’m period-y and feel gross, so if you try anything I will stab you,” I shot out with an apologetic smile._ _

__“Fair enough,” Sirius replied, curling up for a cuddle instead. “I guess I’ll just have to wait for this sex drive increase!”_ _

__We curled up on the couch with Snuffles on his bed on the floor and Minerva sleeping in the windowsill to the side of the television._ _

__This little moment of happiness was the reason I could look forward to the future, and it was so exciting and so scary all at once. Having Sirius by my side meant more to me than I could ever vocalize, and I just hoped I could keep him around this time._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	16. The Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fluffy chapter where Sirius asks Remus a tough question.

I was in the apartment with Sirius and Snuffles, drinking tea as usual and waiting for Sirius to sort through what was going on in his head before he spoke.

He had been uncharacteristically quiet since I had arrived about half of an hour ago, and I didn’t want to make anything worse by guessing at what was wrong without having any idea.

Usually when I did that, I tended to put ideas of problems in both of our heads that didn't need to be there, and definitely didn't need to be argued out.

I ran the past few weeks over in my mind and couldn’t come up with anything in particular. We had both been going to our jobs, mine as a bartender at Madam Malkin’s and Sirius as a server at The Smoking Cauldron, and we hung out almost every day before our late night shifts started. Nothing interesting had happened at either job, as far as I know. I had been extra grumpy lately because of anticipating hearing back about a doctor’s appointment for testosterone that I finally decided to make, but I didn’t think I’d been _that_ obnoxious…But maybe I had.

“Sirius-” I started.

Before I could get anything else out, Sirius said in one quick breath, “I think we should move in together.”

I must have looked as surprised as I felt, because Sirius quickly explained, “It seems like a waste of time to keep traveling back and forth between each of our places since we end up spending the time with each other anyways.”

“I agree,” I simply stated, waiting for Sirius to finish, knowing by the hitch in his breath that there was more he wanted to say.

Sirius took a sip of his coffee before replying, “I also was thinking what you said the other day and about maybe looking to going to school and trying to get into the mechanics field soon, so not having to worry about rent on my apartment would be nice.” 

Sirius took another long sip in the silence in his kitchen and continued, “And Snuffles-”

“Sirius, I think it’s a great idea,” I cut in.

Sirius finally looked up from his mug and smiled widely.

I reached across the kitchen island and grabbed Sirius’s hand before explaining: “The other day, when you sat with me all day when I was grouchy and sore, I knew that I could spend my good days and my bad days with you.”

“You don’t have to be around me all the time,” Sirius joked. “Sometimes I’ll be at work and out of your hair.”

“I’m serious though,” I continued. “I know you’ve proven otherwise, but I feel unlovable on days when I feel like my body is fighting my mind and trying to force me to accept it as something other than what my mind knows it is, if that makes any sense, and the fact that you can be with me on those days and not want to leave because I’m extra self-deprecating and gloomy, means so much to me. It means I can be myself around you, even if myself isn’t as upbeat and masculine-feeling on some days as I want to be.”

Sirius squeezed my hand and grinned, “I know to bring you chocolate, and as long as I do that, you’ll be okay.” 

I got down off of my stool and went around to where Sirius stood and silently hugged him. I reached my arms under his arms and held on so tightly, willing my body to convey all of the emotions that I couldn’t vocalize. Sirius responded by placing his hands flat on my lower back and pulling me in even closer, as if willing our bodies to melt together. 

I may be slightly taller than him, but his muscular body was able to hold me in a way that I felt safe.

“Do you work out?” I asked suddenly, realizing I had no idea where his muscles came from.

Sirius stepped back and wiggled his eyebrows at me before replying, “Why, do you like what you see?”

I snorted, “Yes, but it’s things like that--an exercise routine--that we have to get used to when we adjust our schedules when we live together.”

“I go to the gym, but not on a regular basis,” Sirius explain, flexing his biceps dramatically. “Snuffles and I do run almost daily.”

Sirius may have been joking around, but the sight of his muscles flexing against his ever-present black T-shirt was incredibly attractive.

“I’m really good at being a couch potato,” I voiced, flexing my own non-existent biceps in response.

“You’ve got that whole nerdy teacher thing going for you though,” Sirius pointed out, stepping back closer to me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

I smiled and leaned into his chest, resting my forehead against him.

“And I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to explore exactly where all of your hidden tattoos are,” Sirius continued with a grin.

“Yeah, but you’ve seen them all,” I objected. 

“I’m just saying, that could be a fun project for when we live together,” Sirius laughed, running his hands up my back.

I made a noise into his chest, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, again feeling so happy and loved in this moment, in his arms.

“It’s a good thing you don’t have a lot of stuff to move,” I noted, looking around the sparsely decorated living space.

“Especially considering my lease is up at the end of this week since it’s the end of April, so I have four days to move,” Sirius replied quickly.

“Siriussss,” I groaned. “Why would you wait so long to move?”

He leaned into my shoulder and murmured a response I couldn’t hear.

“What was that, love?” I asked.

“That’s the first time you’ve called me love,” Sirius replied. “I like it.”

“Well, I do love you, you goof, but I still didn’t hear what you said,” I huffed.

“I said that I meant to ask you about moving in like three weeks ago, but I wanted to wait for the right time,” Sirius explained. “And that right time never really came, so here I am, with less than a week to move, worried you’d tell me no.”

I cocked my head at Sirius, “Why would you think I would tell you no?”

“Well, you and Minerva have a good thing going over there and I would be an intrusion,” Sirius explained. “I’m loud and take up space and can’t offer much in the form of rent.”

Sometimes I forgot that Sirius had just as much emotional baggage as me, so I wasn’t able to reassure him as often as I should have.

“You are kind of loud, Sirius,” I started. “But I like your loud, as long as it isn’t when you’re trying to wake me up in the morning. Then I’ll hate you no matter what, if I’m being honest, because I like sleep. I already can pay my monthly morgage on my own, for once, so any help you could have would be extra bonus for me, but not necessary. And honestly the only space you take up is in my bed and that just makes it extra warm and cozy, so again, as long as you aren’t waking me up, you’re fine.”

“You’re wonderful,” Sirius said, squeezing me lightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Sirius,” I replied. “I really, really do.”

“Do you love me enough to help box things up tonight?” Sirius asked with a crooked smile.

“You’re lucky that I do!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	17. First Appointments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius must adjust to living together. They both try to move forward in their own lives with support from the other.

It had taken Sirius and I a few weeks to get used to living together. Yes, we had spent almost all of our time at one another’s places before we moved in together, but it was different when you could go back to your own home if you needed to. Now, the other person was everywhere that you were all the time, no matter what. 

Our biggest hurdle had been mornings. Sirius liked to wake up early, take Snuffles for a walk, and then come home and loudly make coffee while Snuffles ate breakfast equally as loudly, his collar and tags clinking against his bowl. I, on the other hand, liked to sleep in as late as possible and slowly wake up with a cup of tea with Minerva curled up on my lap.

Sirius tried to be quiet, he really did, but that wasn’t his strong point and I tried not to be annoyed, I really did, but that wasn’t my strong point when my sleep was interrupted. 

The fact that I never had the place to myself since we worked nearly the same hours was slightly annoying. But, it was a small annoyance that was made more tolerable by the fact that Sirius was always around for a hug when I needed it.

Like right now, when I was so frustrated with the hoops I had to jump through to get testosterone. It was frustrating enough the first time I worked on getting hormones, but it was borderline ridiculous the second time around. I got my letter from a therapist easily, since I had received a letter from the same practice in the past, and had been living openly as male for years. All that I needed to do was pass a generic test that determined that I was mentally stable. I felt like I was lying at some points, even though I wasn’t, because honestly, with the exception of gender dysphoria related problems, I had been pretty stable lately. 

However, I was running into problems with finding an endocrinologist in the area that was willing to prescribe testosterone to people who were assigned female at birth, like me. It seems like the one I had gone to before, and others I had looked into in the past, had moved to different practices out of state, or were too expensive now that I didn’t have the same insurance that I had when I was teaching. Others would only give testosterone to people who were assigned male at birth, had a natural production of testosterone, but needed the testosterone as a supplement. It made sense, since that was less risky than taking testosterone as someone who was assigned female at birth, but it made it frustrating for me to try to find a doctor that would even do the initial blood tests.

I was pulled out of my train of thought by Sirius voicing a solution: “You could pay out of pocket for the appointment though and then not have to worry about finding someone that does take your insurance, since it seems like not a lot of specialists do. I can help you pay for it, or I can pay the mortgage payment that month, or something like that, to balance it out if you’re worried about it. It’d be worth it if it helped you.”

“I appreciate that, Sirius,” I sighed and leaned against him on the couch, resting my head on his arm. “It just seems frivolous to spend that much money on something that’s not necessary...to spend that much money on myself.”

“But it is necessary,” Sirius insisted. “You know that as well as I do, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

I huffed in response and turned my head so my forehead was against Sirius’s arm, as if I was trying to block out the rest of the world, including my own thoughts.

“Not being on testosterone allows your body to do things that make you want to die,” Sirius bluntly pointed out. “Ending that is a necessity for your mental health.” Sirius laughed lightly and added, “And it’s necessary for those of us that want to be around you on those days.”

“But-” I started to point out.

“No,” Sirius cut in. “You might not be able to justify spending money to take care of yourself, but I can, so just accept that I’m right and move on.”

Sirius lifted my head off of his shoulder and smiled gently at me before kissing my forehead.

I knew it was futile to argue, so I smiled and replied, “I’ll call tomorrow and make the appointment with the endocrinologist that seemed to have the best reputation, and just accept the fact that I’ll have to pay for it out of pocket.”

“Good,” Sirius replied kissing my temple. “Let me know when it is so I can go with you.” 

*******

Two weeks had passed since I initially made the appointment with the endocrinologist, and each day my anxiety about the appointment grew worse and worse. I was glad Sirius was going to come with me or honestly I may have not shown up to the appointment at all.

The fear of being told I couldn’t go on testosterone was scaring me, not the concern of needles or getting blood drawn or anything like that. I felt like it would be a waste of money if I got rejected.

“If you don’t try, you won’t know,” Sirius rationalized out loud in the car on our way to my appointment. “The worse that can happen is they can tell you that you can’t get the testosterone, and then you’re right where are now, but it won’t hurt anything to know.”

“I’ll be out 300 bucks though,” I said softly, still having trouble justifying spending that much money on myself.

“But the knowledge itself is worth it,” continued Sirius. “You tell me that all the time. It’s about time you listened to your own advice.”

“Speaking of which, have you called back the college that left you a message?” I asked Sirius, changing the subject away from being about me. “The one that said they’ll take you regardless of your criminal record.”

“I need to get my high school transcript to send them first,” Sirius explained.

“Then you’ll call them?” I pushed.

“Probably,” Sirius mumbled.

“We’re too alike, sometimes,” I noted out loud. 

“Because I procrastinate?” Sirius asked, confused. “That’s not true because you do things way too early.”

“No, because you don’t want to be rejected so you put off doing things until it’s too late, so then you can blame missing the deadline for why you didn’t get in or do something instead of risking being rejected or failing even though you tried,” I explained, squeezing his hand. “Or else you would have called and gotten your transcript sent by now.”

Sirius didn’t say anything.

“It’s exactly what I wanted to do with this appointment,” I continued as we pulled into the parking lot. “And you didn’t let me, so I’m not going to let you do that with this trade program.”

“I’ll do it,” Sirius replied with a huff. “Eventually.”

I smiled at Sirius and made a mental note to remind him about it later. I would rather him think I was annoying than miss out on an opportunity because he was scared of rejection.

*****

The appointment went fine and was filled with the generic questions that every doctor asked and an overall physical. I also got a lecture when I said that I was a smoker, which I was used to and expected. It went against my rational mind to smoke because I know what it does to a body, but I enjoyed smoking too much to even entertain the idea of quitting. Even thinking about entertaining the idea of quitting made me want to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Besides, there could be worse vices to have, right?

The endocrinologist made sure that I knew how to self-inject, since that’s how the testosterone would be administered, and said that as long as the bloodwork came back fine, which he would call and let me know it was clear, then he would send the prescription for testosterone to the pharmacy.

Now all that I could do was wait for the bloodwork results to come in.

I was glad Sirius came with me and drove, because I was too worried about the bloodwork and replaying everything the doctor said over and over in my head to actually pay attention to how we got home.

*******

“Are you glad you got that appointment over with?” Sirius asked as we ate dinner back at the house.

“I think so,” I replied. “But I’ll feel better once I know the results of the bloodwork.”

“Good,” Sirius replied around a mouthful of spaghetti. We were silent for a minute before he added, “So, while you were in the shower, I took your advice earlier and called to get my transcripts sent to the new college.”

“I’m so glad you did that!” I replied. “Did you talk to anyone in particular? What did they say?”

“So, I explained to the college’s intake coordinator everything. I told her that I was concerned about my criminal record, but that the last person I talked to said that it shouldn’t be a problem and that their only requirement is that I graduated high school. I told her that I did and that I sent in for the transcripts to be mailed,” Sirius elaborated. “And she gave me a username and told me to officially sign up for the eight month program as soon as I get an email that they received the transcripts.”

“So you’re pretty much in?” I asked, excited for him. “That’s awesome!”

“Mmhm,” Sirius replied, looking down at his food. “It’s not a sure thing yet though.”

“It’s so close though,” I pointed out. “That’s so awesome.”

“I think so,” said Sirius. “I think it’s like you with the blood work though… I’ll be much happier once I know for sure.”

“If not though, there may be other college options,” I assured him.

“Look at us, getting our life together and shit,” Sirius joked. 

“Well, even if it doesn’t work out, we’re trying,” I pointed out. “Plus, you make good spaghetti, so keeping you around is a good idea, even if neither of us gets our life together.”

Sirius stuck out his tongue at me and we finished dinner lost in our own thoughts about the future.

It was a scary and exciting thing to think about. But, if someone had asked me a year ago if I would be in a stable relationship anytime soon, I would have told them no. But now, here I was having been with the same person for over eight months, with the exception of two where we weren’t together, and the relationship was serious enough where we were now living together.

I know things could change, and I could lose everything, including Sirius, at anytime. But, I didn’t see that happening.

For the first time in a really, really long time, the future seemed happy and I was excited to move towards it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	18. A Night With the Boys: News, Sex, and Tattoos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus both receive news that they have been waiting for, the boys finally celebrate the fact that they have moved in together, and Remus gets a chance to explore the tattoos that Sirius has gotten, as well as the stories behind those tattoos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does have some important plot points, but it's also full of smut (and some light bondage), so if that would make you uncomfortable, you can skip the chapter entirely or just skip the middle part of the chapter :)
> 
> Again, Sirius is a cisgender male and Remus is a transgender male, so if reading about the two of them having sex would make any dysphoria worse, please skip the middle of the story.
> 
> Enjoy!

“So what’d they say?” I asked impatiently. 

Sirius gave away nothing with his expression, and I was worried.

Earlier today, I had gotten wonderful news that my bloodwork came back perfectly normal and that the endocrinologist was going to fax over the prescription for testosterone. I was officially on testosterone again! Plus, I didn’t have to go back to the doctor’s office at all for at least three months, so that was a lovely bonus.

Sirius himself was waiting for news on if he was officially accepted into a mechanics program or not. It would be wonderful if we could both receive good news today, but I felt like the odds of that happening were pretty low.

Sirius continued into the kitchen and walked over to where I was standing against the counter, his movements deliberate, but still not giving anything away.

“Sirius,” I started. “Come on, tell me.”

Suddenly Sirius smiled widely and said, “You’re looking at someone who is eight months away from being a licensed motorcycle mechanic!”

“Sirius, that’s wonderful!” I said, hugging him tightly. I pulled away and pushed him lightly on the chest. “Why did you make me wait and wonder?”

“Because you’re cute when you’re flustered,” Sirius stated with a grin. “Also, I couldn’t remember if I had told you that I applied to their general college too, in case I didn't get into the motorcycle program.”

“But you got into the program you wanted!” I exclaimed. “I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks, Remus,” Sirius said. “I really do appreciate you pushing me to look for a program and apply. I know it will be hard work, but I absolutely love working on motorcycles and it would be awesome if I could get paid to do it.”

“That would be nice,” I agreed. “And, as much as it would worry me, you could always celebrate by getting your own motorcycle. Didn’t you used to have one before you moved states?”

“I had one before I was in jail, but I’m not entirely sure what happened to it while I was gone,” Sirius explained. “So it would be awesome if I could get one like that again.”

The idea of Sirius on a motorcycle was terrifying because I always worried about his safety anyways. But, it was oddly thrilling to think about him and his tight black clothes and tattoos sitting on a motorcycle...

“You okay?” Sirius asked, giving me a funny look.

“Mmhm,” I vocalized. “I just realized that we never properly celebrated moving in together, and now we have two more things to celebrate: me starting testosterone and you starting school.”

“Did you have anything in particular in mind?” Sirius asked, his voice lowering as he came up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist.

I turned around and faced Sirius as he closed the gap between us and pushed my body up against the counter.

“I can think of a few things,” I said, my voice low. “But I’m curious if you have anything in mind.”

“I can’t help but have my thoughts wander back to the first time you came over to my apartment and found the harness,” Sirius said with a grin. “I’d like to show you how it, and some other pieces, really work.”

I paused for a moment. Bondage was never really my thing, but then again I had never been with someone that I trusted as much as I trust Sirius. Plus, I had never really thought about it before, but when I thought about it now, the images in my head were intriguing, so I figured it was worth a shot.

“Sure,” I replied, smiling back at Sirius. “Just be patient with the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Time for the teacher to be taught!” Sirius replied with a laugh. 

I laughed with him, as always loving the sound of pure joy that came out of his mouth from deep within his chest when he laughed.

“Really though, I know it’s not something you’ve experienced and I know we always over-talk everything before we do it, so are you sure you’re okay with us experimenting with some of the leather and bondage stuff without talking about it and explaining it first?” Sirius asked, concern in his eyes.

“I trust you to stop if I ask you too, so I’m totally fine with jumping in and trying this,” I replied honestly. “And while I appreciate that we do talk about things before we do them, it’s kind of exciting to just try something first.”

“My kinky influence has rubbed off on you, I see,” Sirius said with a low growl of a laugh. 

He took my hand and lead me towards our now-shared bedroom, shooing the cat out of the room before shutting the door to make sure neither of the animals would interrupt us. 

Once the door was shut, Sirius pushed me up against the wall and kissed me, hard. It was the kind of kiss that left me needing air, but I was too wrapped up in how good his mouth felt on mine to actually want to break away to breathe.

“This is your celebration too, so make sure you tell me what you want,” Sirius said and he started to undo the buttons on my shirt.

“Honestly, I want you to be the one making the decisions. I’d like to not have to think and worry, even if just for a little while, and just focus on responding to what you do to me,” I explained.

“Spoken like a true sub,” Sirius said, his eyes dark, but with a mischievous sparkle in them.

I cocked my head at him, never really thinking about if I would actually be considered a dom or a sub in bed. Sirius and I tended to switch and share roles, but it would be nice to fit into the submissive role for the night.

Sirius move his hands away from the buttons on my shirt and put his hands under each of my arms, pushing his body against mine so I was wedged in between him and the wall. 

I instinctively turned my head to the right to avoid his nose bumping into mine, and Sirius took advantage of that by sucking on my neck, hard enough where I would have to deal with trying to cover that bruise at work tomorrow.

“Safe word?” he asked against my neck, his breath hot and making it hard for me to think of any words at all.

“Uh, I was going to say motorcycle, but I feel like there’s a chance we’ll bring that up during in-sex conversation,” I started with a laugh. “How about hookah? That’s always a good word to use.”

“Good to know,” Sirius replied, his mouth still pressed against my neck.

He pulled back and sighed with an exaggerated moan, his breath and the vibrations of his moan feeling wonderful against my neck.

Silently, Sirius went back to unbuttoning my shirt, slowly parting the sides and kissing the exposed skin of my collar, chest, and stomach as it appeared. 

“Have I told you lately that you're fucking gorgeous?” Sirius growled as he pushed my shirt off my shoulders and down my arms.

It got stuck between my back and the wall, but Sirius made no move to lessen the distance between us and he held my body firmly against the wall with his legs.

“So, how into this do you want to go?” He asked me, trailing his fingers along the sensitive skin of the scars under my nipples. “Do you want me to make you call me Sir or just put you in leather and see what that gets you to say?”

“I like the leather idea,” I replied to Sirius softly, focusing on the feeling of his fingers now running down my sides where he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of my jeans.

Sirius pulled my hips against his, moaning at the contact of the packer in my jeans rubbing against the bulge in his jeans.

His wonderfully tight, form-fitting, light blue jeans.

Sirius was looking at me as if he had asked me a question and was waiting for an answer, but instead he had caught me staring at his crotch.

A crooked smile appeared on his face and he answered his own question with, “I see” and headed over to his clothes chest across the room.

I took the opportunity to move away from the wall and let my shirt drop to the floor as Sirius rummaged through the trunk.

He made a satisfied noise when he found what he was looking for and quickly crossed the room to show me his finds.

“This,” Sirius started, moving his right hand to indicate what he was holding “is the leather chest strap that you tried on before. This,” he moved his left hand “is a fun attachment if you decide to get too handsy.”

I grinned, but said nothing.

“Good,” Sirius said as he set down what was in his left hand onto the floor and started putting the leather chest harness on me.

He arranged the straps slightly different than last time, and this time they formed an X on both my chest and my back, with the metal rings situation at the center of each X, as well as one on each side under my armpit.

When Sirius buckled the last strap he grabbed the X across my front and pulled it slightly.

“Is that too tight?” he asked.

I shook my head no, although I don't know if I would have realized if it was too tight or not. I was too distracted by the change in Sirius as he put the harness on me.

I was used to him being the more dominant personality most of the time, both in and out of the bedroom, but this was different. This seemed to give him confidence, like he was happy to fall into his role as as I was to fall into mine. It let us not think for a while, and give ourselves over purely to pleasure. I was excited that he could enjoy this as much as I was enjoying it.

Sirius stepped back and grinned at the way the harness fit on me. He moved closer only to quickly unbutton my jeans and pull them off, leaving me exposed in my Zelda-themed boxer briefs, before stepping away quickly.

“I wonder how long it'll take before you're begging me to let you touch me?” Sirius asked with a grin.

I may not have been confident in my ability to resist his charm, but I knew I was stubborn, so I figured I had a pretty good chance and replied with, “We’ll see.”

Sirius grabbed onto the front X of the harness and maneuvered me over to the bed before pushing me down on the mattress. He hopped up on the bed so he was straddling me, but kept a solid six inch gap between us.

“You're wearing too many clothes,” I prompted, slightly unnerved by his uncharacteristic silence.

Again, Sirius said nothing, but he pulled his shirt over his head in one swift motion, revealing to me one of my favorite sites: the muscled, tattooed chest with pierced nipples that belonged to Sirius Black.

I let out a moan at the site and wiggled my hips slightly, hoping for him to move closer, but he didn't. I was determined not to ask him to move closer, because that could count as me begging him to let me touch him and I was not going to let Sirius win this game.

Sirius made a point to lock eyes with me as he removed his tight jeans and boxers all at once, causing his cock to go from being completely hidden to springing free, which was yet another one of my favorite sights. 

I now knew why this game was going to be difficult: I had a completely naked Sirius straddling me, but being very careful not to have another parts of our body touch at all, and all I wanted to do was pull him down into a kiss and feel his skin against mine.

I decided to grab at the sheets under me instead.

Sirius noticed what I did and smiled, but still remained quiet.

He sat back on his heels, letting our legs brush against each other, and eyed me up and down before he said “Now you're wearing too many clothes.”

I made a move to shimmy out of my underwear, but Sirius stopped me with a quick, “Did I say you could move?”

“No,” I admitted. “But you only said I couldn't touch you, not that I couldn't touch myself.”

Sirius gave me a devious smile, as if he had been waiting for me to say something like that, and he quickly got off the bed to grab the other item he had pulled from the clothes chest earlier.

I watched carefully as Sirius clipped a metal ring with a two even-length chains to the ring in the center of the front leather X. The end of each of those chains had a leather buckle cuff. Still silent, Sirius buckled one cuff around each of my wrists before stepping back.

“The chains are long enough where you can reach out to the side or down to the bed if you're flipped over, but not long enough where you can touch yourself, or touch me,” Sirius explained.

I must have looked skeptical because he followed that with, “Flip over and I prove it to you.”

I ungracefully tried to flip over onto my stomach--a hard thing to do when one has restricted arm movement, but I was unwilling to ask Sirius for his help since he still seemed determine to get me to beg for his touch. He took pity in watching me flop around and helped me flip over and steady myself with my arms under me.

“That doesn't hurt or anything, does it?” Sirius checked.

“Nope,” I said. “Just a little uncomfortable because I can't move my arms as far out as I want to, but I guess that's the point.”

“It is, but tell me if it starts to hurt,” Sirius replied.

I nodded.

I heard the familiar tear of a wrapper as Sirius rolled on a condom and I felt the bed move as his weight joined mine on the mattress.

“I want to touch you, but I'm still determined to get you to beg,” Sirius explained as he pulled down my underwear and packer.

He left my underwear at my knees, and in the position I was in, they made it more difficult for me to move without his help.

I felt Sirius position himself behind me and shuddered when he ran his cock between my legs, just softly touching me.

He moved himself up and down and repeated that a few times, each time making me shiver at the sensation.

Sirius softly pushed the tip of his cock against my ass applying almost enough pressure to push himself inside me, but stopped just short of doing that.

Again, he was trying to make me beg.

He was close to getting me to beg.

I heard the snap lid of the lube bottle open, but couldn't turn around to see where Sirius was putting the lube, so I figured it was either his cock or fingers, and I silently waited to find out which one.

I didn't have to wait long as Sirius pushed one slick finger against my ass and again applied almost enough pressure to enter me. 

“Siriusss,” I warned him, but said nothing else.

He applied a little more pressure to his finger and pushed past the tight ring of muscles.

I hissed at the initial sensation, but felt my body relax as it got used to his finger and started to feel good. 

He slowly moved his finger up and down before added a second one and spread them in opposite directions, stopping once to add more lube to his fingers.

“Is this all you want inside of you?” Sirius asked, feigning innocence in his voice.

I shook my head no.

“What's that?” he asked.

I wrestled with myself before answering. I wanted to be stubborn and not beg Sirius for what I wanted, but I also really wanted to feel him deep inside of me. 

“I want more of you in me,” I admitted, loving the sensation of his fingers too much to care how I sounded.

“More fingers?” he asked.

I shook my head no again.

“Then what?” Sirius prompted.

“I want your cock in me,” I said bluntly, knowing that it was both the answer that he wanted and the answer that would give me the sensation that I was craving.

“Mmm, good answer” Sirius replied as he removed his fingers. “Although I don't know if that counts as begging.”

I moaned in frustration.

“I'll accept that for now, since I have a gorgeous man under me and ready for me,” Sirius said slowly. “But I could make you wait.”

“Nooo,” I moaned instinctively. “I want you in me now.”

“Right now?” Sirius goaded.

I nodded my head yes.

Sirius responded by using one hand to position his cock against my ass and his other hand to grab onto the back X on the harness I was wearing and pulled me back as he thrust into me.

I may have just had his fingers in me, but being filled by his cock so suddenly and so completely was a different experience. We both stilled until I adjusted to the sensation and started rocking back into Sirius.

Sirius kept one hand on the harness and moved his other hand to grip my hip, pulling me back into him to meet each of his thrusts. 

Soon we were both moaning at the sensations.

Sirius moved his hand from the harness to rub circles on my clit as he continued to steady himself and his thrusts with a hand on my hip.

“Sirius,” I warned him as I tensed. 

He moved his fingers quicker and made his thrusts shorter, pushing into me faster until I was shaking beneath him. 

My arms gave out and Sirius moved his hand from my hip to grasp under my stomach to help hold me up as I folded onto my elbows.

Still shaking, I felt Sirius pull out of me. I heard the snap of him taking off the condom and felt his arm tighten around me as he jerked himself to completion as he came across my back.

Once he had come down from his own orgasm, Sirius undid the clips and buckles that held me in position and slipped off the harness and grabbed a tissue to clean off my back.

“Did you like that?” he asked when he settled down next to me and pulled up the blankets.

“I really did,” I admitted. “You’re really good at knowing how to respond to what my body is doing.”

“I try,” Sirius said with a smile. “You feel amazing.”

We lapsed into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of us still waiting for our breathing to return to normal and for our heart rates to slow back down.

“You know,” I said softly after a few minutes as I ran my fingers along his side, “I never really did get to explore all of your tattoos.”

Sirius shot me a sleepy grin and rolled over on his side to face me.

“Ask away if you have any questions, but I'll bother you about your two tattoos that I don't know the story behind some other time,” Sirius said. “But I'm too sleepy right now...Which is your fault, I might add.”

“Sorry,” I said, not sounding apologetic at all. “I’m pretty exhausted myself, but I always forget to ask about all of your tattoos and there are so many to ask about.”

“Well, you already know about the cards on my side with that have dogs as their suit. I got that the first time my Dad kicked me out. I was fifteen and couldn't legally get a tattoo, so I went to some shady guy who claimed to be an apprentice to a licensed tattoo artist and was just making some money on the side. The lines here,” he moved my hand so I was touching the outside of the card furthest to the left “is really shaky and some of the details on the cards are raised because he pushed the ink in too far and it scarred.”

“I see what you mean,” I agreed. “But overall it looks good, especially combined with your other tattoos.”

I moved my hand down his right side, below where Sirius had the four cards coming out of a cloud of smoke and traced his hip bone, where yet another tattoo existed.

“Handcuffs?” I asked with a grin. “Classy.”

A small blush creeped onto his cheeks as Sirius answered, “The kink scene gave me a community and an outlet that wasn't drug-related, so the few times I tried to get clean before I ended up in jail, the kink community was always there for me and willing to help. They helped me feel things, or feel numb, without the aid of drugs. It was wonderful. During one of the spells that I was clean I got the handcuffs and the whip,” he nodded to the Cat-o'-nine Tails also tattooed in black on his other hip, “as sort of a reminder that there are other, healthier, vices I can turn to instead of drugs.”

“That makes sense,” I agreed. Even with only the little I had been exposed to some kink practices today, I knew how nice it was to be able to not think about outside stressors for a little while. Having a whole community rallying to help you must have been nice.

“I'm glad you stopped doing drugs,” I told Sirius. “Do you still think about it sometimes though?”

“Sometimes,” Sirius admitted. “Like when somebody comes into the hookah bar that smells like a certain smoke or if I’m feeling particularly sad, it always pops into my head as an option. But I can rationalize it away now instead of falling back into addiction.”

“I'm proud of you, Sirius,” I said softly, continuing to move my hands up his body.

I stopped at the large orange dragon that wound it's way around his right pectoral, with it's thin tail wrapping around close to his nipple. The orange of the scales on the dragon's body faded into yellow along the tail, accentuating the silver barbell that poked through his nipple. 

The matching silver barbell pierced through Sirius's other nipple was the center of a five-pointed star that hung down from a crescent moon that curved along his left pectoral, mirroring the natural shape of his chest. It was all muted tones of gray and blue and looked incredibly realistic. The moon itself was full of craters and bumps and the star, while distinctly five-pointed, still looked real with it's gray colors and silver accents, the brightest accent being the silver bar in the center.

“How come you got this one?” I asked Sirius as I swirled my fingers around the moon.

“Honestly, just because I thought it looked cool,” Sirius admitted. “And it just seems to fit me.” 

“It does fit you,” I agreed. “And while it does look cool, I think my favorite is the one on your right wrist.”

I moved my hand down to ghost over the tattoo that I loved so much: the blue male symbol that had rainbow smoke flowing through it and around it until the smoke joined and formed a rainbow behind the symbol. Not only was it very well done from an artistic standpoint, but I liked the pride behind it.

I moved my hand over to brush along his inner forearm on his left arm and trailed along the runes he had explained to me a few times in the past. I moved my fingers upwards until I got to the tattoo that liked to poked out under the short-sleeve of Sirius’s shirt. It was an intricate line of barbed wire that circled all the way around his bicep. On the outside of his arm, the barbed wire was connected to itself with a padlock that looked busted, but sturdy.

“I got that one while I was in prison,” Sirius explained before I had a chance to ask. “It's that funky brown color because that's all the other inmate had to use, but the design was really fitting because every time I was almost released I would end up doing something stupid that elongated my stay there. It was my own fault, but I felt like I was trapped there forever. And the only thing I could see through the bars of the window in my cell was the barbed wire fence on the guard towers and the outer walls. I couldn’t wait to be free of them,”

“It is a really nicely done tattoo for having been done in prison” I remarked. “I'm so glad you got out and I got to meet you.”

“I am as well,” Sirius agreed with a smile. “I got another one in prison that isn't quite as well done. It's a little shaky, but it's the one on my thigh.”

I moved my gaze and my hand down where Sirius had pointed to a large tattoo done in shades of green, brown, and blue. It was a large forest with a stream running through it and animals like wolves and deer sitting along the stream. The style wasn't quite realistic, but it wasn't necessarily cartoonish either. 

“It's very peaceful looking,” I noted.

“And it represents ultimate freedom, I think,” Sirius explained. “The animals can do whatever they want, but they choose to stay in such a serene place because it is calm and comfortable and it's their true home.”

I nodded in agreement, a bit surprised at how much thought went into a seemingly ordinary forest theme. But, then again, Sirius did tend to always overthink things and then try to hide the fact that he was overthinking.

“I got all of them, right?” I asked, double-checking with Sirius. 

He shook his head and said, “I have a small heart on the outside of my other ankle that you may not have noticed. It has the pansexual colors in it, for obvious reasons.

I scooted down on the bed so I could see the heart better. It was simple yet beautiful and consisted of a black outline filled in with the pink, yellow, and blue stripes of the pansexual flag.

“One day I could add a heart near it with your name,” Sirius said softly.

“Aren't tattoos supposed to jinx relationships?” I replied. “I don't know if that's a good idea.”

“I have a good feeling about our relationship though,” Sirius explained. 

“Me too,” I admitted. “But let's hold off on the couple tattoos for now.”

“Agreed,” Sirius said as he pulled me back up for a hug. “It's time to sleep anyways.”

I curled up against his chest and fell asleep quickly, once again thinking that I had gotten so lucky that this man that I loved somehow loved me back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	19. The Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus helps Sirius study for his exam and learns a bit about his impact as a teacher along the way.

It was a slow day at the hookah bar and I was helping Sirius study for his final exam.

Sirius may not admit it, but he was worried about the mechanics program he was in. He had passed all of the hands-on tests, proved that he could diagnosis a multitude of problems on different models of cars, trucks, and motorcycles, and could either fix those problems or figure out where to send the person to get the problem fixed correctly. 

He could also do modifications and paint jobs on motorcycles, which is what he wanted to focus on the most.

Now all that was left was the written exam, and while Sirius was smart, he worked himself up and got so nervous before exams that he ended up doing poorly because his anxiety made his mind blank. That’s why he got through school by pretending he didn’t care because if he pretended he didn’t care, then nobody would think he was stupid.

So, I was sitting at the bar helping Sirius make flash cards, hoping that if he felt over-prepared he wouldn’t be so anxious with his exam. Using Sirius’s class notes, I was writing the front of the flashcard, with the term, part, or concept that he needed to know, and then Sirius was writing the back of the flashcard, impressively mostly from memory. We had a pile that he needed to look up and memorize, but so far I was really proud of what he knew.

As I continued to work on the front half of the flashcards, Sirius stepped away from the bar to help a group of young patrons that came in. After a few minutes he came back to me and gave me a funny look.

“Huh?” I asked, half-focusing on him and half-focusing on the flashcards.

“Those kids know you,” Sirius said. “They all just turned 18 and it’s their first time in a hookah bar and in the middle of me explaining how things work here and all of that, one of them recognized you and all four of them got really excited.”

I slowly set the flashcards down and turned around, assuming that I would see a group of students that I had taught. What I didn’t expect was the students to be part of the group of students that I missed the most.

As a teacher, we shouldn’t have favorites, and I can say that I honestly wanted every single student to succeed. But the students who I knew had a rough life outside of school, or were having a tough time adjusting socially with their peers, or were part of a marginalized community, or were just generally struggling, but still tried as hard as they could (even if they tried hard at things other than my class), were the students that I wanted to see succeed the most. 

“Go say hi,” Sirius prompted. “I know it’s weird to see them out of a school setting, but they were really excited to recognize you here.”

I mumbled something about not wanting to make things awkward, but headed over to where the kids were sitting.

“Mr. Lupin!” one of the boys exclaimed, getting up to give me a hug. “We’ve missed you! When are you coming back?”

“Hi Jared,” I nodded at him. “The new teacher didn’t tell you that I’m not coming back?”

“He told us,” another student, Minnie, said. “But that was in class. Jared only had you for the club and they got rid of that.”

“I was worried they would,” I shook my head. 

Part of the reason I missed this group of students the most was because they were in the Gender and Sexuality club that I ran. A lot of them were “out” to the club, but not the school as a whole or to their parents. It was a safe place for them, and I was worried how they would be without it.

“We’ve sort of kept it going,” the usually quiet Steph chimed in. “Some of us wouldn’t come to school if it wasn’t meeting.”

“I’m glad you were able to do that!” I agreed. “Who’s in charge of it?”

“Sort of me,” the fourth member of the group, Shaun, said. “There aren’t really any other faculty members that we really trust with running a club like that.”

“But we all make posters about where we meet and make sure that everyone knows that there are a few of us they can come to if they need to talk,” Jared explained.

“I’m really proud of you guys for doing that,” I noted, sitting down at the table with them. “How come you didn’t ask Ms. Beachly to run it?”

Nobody said anything for a moment before Minnie explained, “There was sort of a rumor going around that they fired you because you’re gay and we figured they only knew you were gay because of the club and we didn’t want to get someone else in trouble”

I sighed, “That’s really sweet of you all, but that’s not why I was fired.”

“We know the principal is a homophobe,” Jared pointed out bluntly.

“Unfortunately, we all have to deal with homophobes and unaccepting people, but thankfully there are laws in place that are supposed to prevent us from being discriminated against and fired without cause, even though people find ways around those laws” I explained. “But she had a reason to fire me: I was absent a lot, sometimes without much notice.”

“Because you’re transgender,” Steph said quietly.

“I was wondering if you all knew,” I simply responded. 

“I mean, we didn’t know for sure,” Shaun explained. “But once Steph voiced it as an idea, it did seem kind of obvious if you looked at your pattern of absences.”

“And your willingness to change pronouns and use different names when we asked seemed more natural than it was for other teachers,” Steph added.

“Either way, my absences without documentation was the reason I was fired,” I said. “So unfortunately I won’t be back.”

“Most of us graduate in a month,” Minnie stated. “And we’re worried that the kids following us won’t have a Gender and Sexuality club to feel safe in.”

By this time Sirius had come over with the soda and hookah for the group and chimed in with, “Remus, could you start one that meets outside of the school, like a community based thing?”

“That would be cool!” Jared agreed. “You could do it at different schools so that way more kids could get involved.”

“In theory, it’s a good idea,” I agreed. “But I think there would be plenty of backlash from parents who don’t want their kids hanging out with some random old gay guy.”

“Unless you got a job at a different school and ran satellite programs at different locations,” Sirius suggested. 

“Maybe,” was all I said. It seemed like a grandiose idea.

“Could you get a job at another school?” Shaun asked.

“I haven’t tried,” I admitted. “I was kind of put off by the idea of teaching because my absences are going to get in the way no matter what school I work at.”

“But you clearly miss teaching,” Sirius pointed out from the end of the table where he decided to sit down too.

“And you’re procrastinating studying,” I retorted.

“I’m just saying, clubs like that are important and I wish my school had them when I was growing up,” Sirius explained as he got up. “Plus you’re clearly a good teacher or these kids wouldn’t care that you left.”

“He’s right you know,” agreed Jared.

“I know,” I sighed happily. “I’ll look into some things and let you all know what I’ve come up with at your graduation, okay? I still plan on coming to that. For now, make sure you don’t neglect to look after yourselves while you’re trying to take care of the whole school.”

They agreed and excitedly started to smoke their first legal hookah as I went back up to the bar.

I tried to help Sirius with his flashcards, but the bar soon got busier and he didn’t have time to work on them, plus I was distracted by the thought of trying to teach at a different school.

I really did miss teaching, as entertaining as bartending was, and it would be an awesome resource for students to have some sort of Gender and Sexuality club, even if it wasn’t a weekly meeting and their school. I had to be able to come up with a way to make that happen.

******

Later in the week, Sirius was ready to take his exam. He had memorized everything possible, seemed pretty confident, and I had convinced him to take off work the night before so he could get a good night’s sleep.

The exam itself would take three hours, and anyone who knows Sirius for more than a minute knows that if he doesn’t eat for three hours he turns into a cranky person who’s no fun to be around, so while he was taking his exam I ran to the grocery store and did some errands and picked up Chinese take-out for when he finished the test.

When I picked Sirius up from the exam, he was uncharacteristically quiet.

“How’d it go?” I asked once he had settled himself in the car.

“For once, I walked out of a test feeling like I did great,” Sirius explained, worry on his face.

“Then you probably did awesome!” I noted. “You don’t give yourself enough credit for how smart you are, you just need to be interested in the subject to prove that to yourself.”

“True,” Sirius agreed, finally smiling. “Thank you for helping me study.”

“Anytime!” I smiled. “I’m good at that.”

“Which is why you should go back to teaching,” Sirius said quickly.

“I’ve been looking into things,” I admitted. “There are a few schools that might be interested in hiring me.”

“Good!” Sirius agreed.

“But for now, let’s head home,” I said. “I got Chinese food on the way here.”

“Aww, you do love me!” Sirius joked.

“Of course I do,” I said with a smile. “And a grumpy Sirius is fun for no one.”

He punched me lightly in the arm as I started to drive home.

I was confident in Sirius’s knowledge, but we wouldn’t know for sure how well he did until he got the scores in two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	20. The New School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus tries to get a teaching job.

“What cha doing?” Sirius asked, loosely hanging his arms over my shoulders.

I gestured to the stack of papers and laptop on the counter in front of me and leaned back against him on the stool.

Sirius cocked his head and asked, “Grading?”

“How can I be grading when I don’t have a class?” I asked bitterly, unfairly taking out my frustration at my absence from teaching on Sirius.

I heard a small _hmphf_ come from his behind me and I immediately explained: “Sorry, I’m just currently filling out applications and it’s really difficult. I was hoping to get in for the upcoming school year, but I’m having trouble even figuring out what to put on the applications. My gender isn’t legally changed on my driver’s license or with Social Security, so legally I have to put down that I’m female. But if I show up to an interview looking like a dude, what are they going to think? Every other time that I got a teaching job it was after I had already been in the school a few times so we sort of bypassed the formal application step. And do I put _will be absent one week a month_ because then nobody will hire me?”

I sighed, frustrated.

“Remus, you’re intelligent. Breathe for a minute and we can figure out what would be the best to put,” Sirius said calmly, pushing his chest against my back.

His breathing calmed me down and I pointed out an obvious things I had overlooked.

“I could try to explain things in the cover letter that I could attach to each application,” I noted, frustrated with myself for not realizing that option earlier since I was too distracted with being irritated.

“Is there a place on the application where you can write a short ‘anything else you want us to know’ response to point them to the cover letter to make sure they read it?” Sirius asked.

“Probably,” I sighed, pressing my back against him again. 

Knowing, and feeling, that Sirius was physically there with me was comforting.

“I’ve filled out quite a few applications before I got the job at The Smoking Cauldron and I always look for a place to explain that even though I checked yes for the committed a crime box, that I’ve left that life behind and would like to make a new name for myself,” Sirius explained.

“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for,” I pointed out as I started typing up a cover letter. After a few moments I asked, “How’s this sound?  
“Hello,  
My name is Remus Lupin and I am interested in applying for a teaching position at your school.  
The grades and subjects I have taught can be found on my resume, or on the attached application.  
I want to teach at your school because I believe every student is capable of learning when given the right tools, in the right environment, with the right teacher.  
I believe that I can be that right teacher for many students. Not only am I able to teach them the subject material, but I feel that I can offer students emotional support that they may not receive elsewhere. While it may not be quite clear on my application, I am a gay transgender man. While I know that may confuse some people and be the unofficial reason my application is passed over for other people, I believe it is important to put because I would like to be able to start a club at the school I am hired at to help LGBTQ* students feel welcome, which can in turn improve their performance and behavior in school.  
Feel free to contact me with any questions.”

“That sounds really good!” Sirius said. “I would change the ‘your school’ to the title of that particular school each time though to make it more personal, but I’m impressed at your ability to write that so quickly.”

“That’s a good idea. Thanks Sirius,” I replied. “I really do mean what I wrote, so that made it easier.”

“These kids will be lucky to have a teacher like you,” he said, tightening his arms around my chest.

“If I get hired anywhere,” I replied softly.

“Well, finish sending the applications out now that you have your cover letter and see what response you get,” Sirius suggested. “And then come to bed?”

I nodded and went back to work.

*****

“What?” Sirius asked as soon as he sat down on the couch next to me.

He had just gotten off of work and come home, and I was curled up on the couch my tell-tale position of pain associated with my period. Thankfully, I had recently re-started testosterone, but it usually takes a few months before periods started getting less painful and eventually they usually stopped. But for now, I was in pain.

“I hurt,” I answered honestly.

“Clearly,” he replied, putting his arm around my shoulders and kicking off his shoes. “But you seem like you’re waiting to say something.”

Snuffles jumped up on the couch to say hi to Sirius and thankfully gave me a minute to think before I shared my news.

“So?” Sirius prompted.

“I got a job,” I said in a level voice. “I did the interview over Skype and it seems like an awesome school and I start in two weeks, because they teach here over the summer too.”

“That’s great, Remus!” Sirius said with a smile as he squeezed my shoulders. “Why aren’t you excited?”

“I’m really excited,” I explained. “That’s the problem. Whenever I get excited and things look like they’ll turn out well, I get disappointed.”

“Remus,” Sirius said softly, crossing his legs on the couch and turning to face me. “You said something similar about us. And our relationship worked out, didn’t it?”

“Yes, but--”

“No buts, Remus. Things may not have worked out in the past for you, or for either of us. But things are changing. We have each other, and we have a townhouse with Minerva and Snuffles, when a few years ago I never would have thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to have that stability and love. I have a job that I love, I went to school and will hopefully soon have another, better paying, job that I love, and you deserve that feeling too, Remus,” Sirius insisted, his passion and conviction contagious. “So tell me about the interview. What kind of school is it if they teach all year around?”

“Thank you Sirius,” I replied as I gave him a hug and rested my head against his shoulder. “The interview went well. The principal of the school addressed everything from my resume and the cover letter. He started with saying that while they currently don’t have any openly transgender staff members, they have had trans staff in the past and understand that I may need to move my schedule around or be absent for things like doctor’s appointments and surgery, and he’s totally okay with that. I told him that I don’t plan on having any more surgeries at the moment, but that until testosterone kicks in, I’ll be absence for a few days to a week each month. He seemed to understand and said that while it won’t be written out in my contract, my absences will be unpaid but approved. He said he would have them be paid absences, but I would have fewer allowed absences total then, so this way works best. He then talked about how quite a few staff members are openly queer in one way or another and that it’s beneficial to the students because they can see role models like them. He explained that the school is an alternative school, for kids who were unable to function in a regular school environment due to their behavior. It partners with an alternative school for kids who have developmental issues, so sometimes the kids are passed back and forth between the two as their behavior and development shifts, so I would be working with a lot of kids that are performing below their grade level or age, either because of their development or because they missed so much school due to behavior and absences that that have huge gaps in material. He said that aspect of the school was why the teacher I would be replacing left, because he wanted to move to teaching kids that are all about the same level, instead of having to make seven or eight different lesson plans to teach the same material to one class. I’m used to modifying lessons because I like to tailor them to the students anyway, so that doesn’t concern me. He also said that there are usually two teachers in the classroom at a time and that classes are small, that way if one student’s behavior gets in the way of learning, one teacher can step out with the student without disrupting the whole group. The small class sizes also encourage students to form friendships with one another, something a lot of them missed out on at their home school. For that reason, he’s an advocate for clubs of all kinds. I told him about the Gender and Sexuality club idea and he said after I’ve been there a few weeks and have adjusted to the school, he’ll help me start that. He also liked the idea of trying to include kids from other schools in it so that way these kids can practice socializing with other students from different backgrounds. A lot of these kids are on the autism spectrum or were socially ostracized, some for their sexuality, so they acted out or skipped school because they didn’t fit in. This school gives them a place to fit in and to learn.”

“Remus, that sounds like your dream job!” Sirius said when I finally finished.

“It is,” I agreed. “That’s why I’m concerned.”

“I’m sure some of that concern will go away once you’re there and it proves to be real,” Sirius rationalized. “What subjects would you be teaching?”

“I would be teaching History and Life Skills,” I explained. “I’m not certified to teach Life Skills, but since most of my classes would be History, I’m still allowed to teach two Life Skills classes. And I would be doing the basics of things like heating up food, sewing on a button, and other things that we should graduate knowing how to do, but we don’t always. For History, I’ll be teaching the second half of American Studies, which deals with the United States from the Reformation after the Civil War to the present day. There’s a lot of wiggle room with the curriculum to account for the student’s potential issues that could interrupt learning, as well as allowing the kids who are really interested to dig deep into the subjects. I would be teaching traditionally tenth through twelfth grade kids, but again, with this school, their ages and grades might change.”

“I’m really excited for you Remus,” Sirius said, unconsciously bouncing up and down slightly on the couch with his emotion. “Even just hearing you talk about this is wonderful. You really do light up with things you’re passionate about.”

“Thank you Sirius,” I said as I kissed his cheek softly. “I don’t know if I’d have the courage to even apply for the job if it weren’t for you.”

“It’s a good thing I’m around then,” Sirius said with a laugh. 

I nodded in agreement. I loved having Sirius around.

*****

“So how was your first day?” Sirius asked excitedly, the second I walked through the door.

I smiled at his enthusiasm. It was so nice to have someone who genuinely cared about me and what I was doing.

“It was great!” I said, flopping myself onto the living room couch. “I’m exhausted though.”

Sirius sat down on the coffee table and rubbed my knee absent-mindedly, “Start from the beginning then!”

“Well, we each teach in pairs, depending on the group of kids, so I first met with all of the other people I would be teaching with. The principal lead the group and pretty much said that whatever information I choose to disclose to them or to the students about myself is up to me.”

“So they don’t know you’re trans?” Sirius asked.

“Or gay,” I answered. “I figured if it comes up, I’ll mention it, but for now it’s not important. We talked instead about my teaching style and how it’s more student-led, and they agreed that that is how they normally run classes, with some exceptions, so I’d fit right in. Today I mostly just observed the classes and it was a lot to take in as far as remembering all of the students names, and I tried to place their names and faces with the reasons why they are in this particular school so that I can better understand them when interacting with them. The school itself is pretty large and has different pods for each subject, so each teacher has a “base office” but then moves around depending on the subject they are teaching, that way the rooms can best fit that subject and those students. I really like how everything is set up. And the base offices are down a main hallway and labeled because they want students to be able to talk to teachers whenever they need to.”

“It seems like your kind of school,” Sirius remarked with a smile.

“I really think it is,” I agreed. “I’m so excited to see how things go once I’m there for a few weeks and am into the routine. I’m not naive enough to think there won’t be any challenges or that some days will be bad days, but I’m excited to be back in a place where I can teach for the reasons I love teaching, instead of just following a curriculum guide and acting like crowd control for forty-five kids.”

“So I was right?” Sirius asked with a sly smile.

“About what?” I replied, confused.

“That you should go back into looking at teaching because you’re happier when you’re teaching and it’s something you’re good at,” he explained.

“Well, thank you Sirius, but I’m going to stay at the bar for a bit longer, until I’m sure that this school is going to keep me and until I start getting paid from there,” I elaborated. “But yes, you were right.”

“I knew it all along,” Sirius said with a smile. “I made you spaghetti if you’d like to come eat.”

“Yes!” I replied, over excited. “I’m so hungry.”

Sirius gave me a funny look.

“For food,” I clarified. “I’m hungry for food. As much as I love you, I’d fall asleep the second you’d try to kiss me.”

“Darn,” Sirius said with a laugh. “I’ll have to jump you some other day then.”

We once again slipped into comfortable conversation and I got to end a wonderful day of work by having dinner with my favorite person on the planet. At least for now, life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	21. More News and Rent!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius finds out if he passed his final exam, and Remus and Sirius go see the Broadway Musical Rent :)

“So you know how the other day you admitted I was right?” Sirius asked as he came inside with the mail.

“Even if I didn’t remember on my own, I doubt you’d let me forget it,” I replied with a smile. “But yes, I do remember.”

“Well, now it’s my turn to say it about you,” Sirius said, trying and failing to hold back a wide grin.

I thought I knew where he was going with this, but I didn’t want to ruin his chances of telling me by guessing.

“And?” I prompted.

“I passed my final exam!” Sirius exclaimed, holding up the letter he received in the mail as proof.

I hugged him as he came into the kitchen. 

“I knew you would, Sirius,” I said. 

“Which is why I owe you one “you were right” statement,” Sirius said with a laugh. “But guess what else?”

“Hmm?” I inquired.

“My exam marks were so good that there’s a local mechanic interested in me and they only work on motorcycles. The school gave me their contact numbers and they said I can start anytime within the next two weeks,” Sirius explained.

“That’s awesome, Sirius!” I said with a smile. “I knew you’d do well.”

“Remus, I really do owe you for encouraging me to go back to school and helping me study,” Sirius said, his face suddenly serious as he shook his head. “I don’t think I could have done it without you.”

“I think you could have,” I said as I stood up. “But I’ll always be here to help you.”

“Thanks, Remus,” Sirius said with a small smile.

“So, in remembering that you love me and that I’ll always help you…” I started with a grin, “I would like to drag you to a show tonight in celebration of both of our new jobs, and in preparation for the fact that we will be very busy and probably won’t see each other much over the next few weeks.”

“Remus, is it a musical?” Sirius groaned. “I hate musicals.”

“It’s my second favorite musical of all time though,” I explained. “Wicked being the first, and Rent being the second.”

“You should have said from the beginning that it was Rent!” Sirius exclaimed, suddenly excited. He made an effort to remove the excitement from his voice as he continued, “It’s about gay people who use drugs and have fucked up relationships with their parents. It’s me in a musical.”

“Well, it’s about more than that, but yes,” I agreed with a smile. “So does that mean you’ll come with me?”

“Sure,” Sirius said. “But I’m not going to sing along.”

“I think it’s frowned upon when you do,” I laughed.

*****

We arrived at the theatre early. I was so excited for so many reasons. This was the first time I was seeing a live performance of Rent, and although it was Off-Broadway, it was still sure to be good.

I was also excited because this was such a normal couple-y thing to do: go see a show to celebrate each other’s accomplishments. It was so nice to be in such a normal, loving, relationship, and I had to keep reminding myself that no matter what my anxiety tried to convince me to believe, my relationship with Sirius was stable and going wonderfully.

In addition, I was excited because of my new job, and the fact that Sirius would be starting his dream job within the next few weeks. 

I tried not to let my anxiety convince me that I was wrong for being excited.

Sirius could tell my mind was overacting and squeezed my hand gently.

“Hey,” he said. “You look really nice tonight.”

I eyed my outfit. For once I decided to wear a suit jacket on top of my button down, but kept my light colored jeans and converse shoes. 

“Thanks Sirius,” I replied. “You do too, as always.”

He was wearing what he always wore: a black t-shirt and dark skinny jeans, but this time had a black satin blazer on top instead of his signature leather jacket. His tattoos poked out of every piece of clothing, and no matter how many layers he was wearing, Sirius was unable to hide his muscles. 

My inappropriately wandering thoughts were interrupted as the stage light up and Mark said, “We begin on Christmas Eve…” and I was lost in the story for the new two hours.

*****

“You haven’t stopped smiling since we left the theatre,” Sirius pointed out as we got ready for bed back at our townhouse.

“It’s one of those musicals that gives me hope,” I admitted. 

“But Angel dies and it looks like Mimi dies soon after the story ends,” Sirius said.

I frowned. It was unlike Sirius to be the pessimistic one.

“It was the one representation that I had of people like me when I was growing up,” I explained. “I liked musicals, so my parents got a recording of it for me without thinking much of it. And in it I saw people with so many different identities living happily in spite of their struggles. I saw a Drag Queen for the first time in my life. I saw people’s struggles paying off. All of this was before I realized I was trans. But as a queer teenage girl, it gave me hope that no matter how much I didn’t fit in at home or in school, that there was some place for me in the world. Which sounds stupid now that I saw it outloud.”

Sirius stopped mid-way through putting his pajamas on and came over to give me a hug.

“I didn’t think about it that way,” he said softly. “That’s a wonderful way to look at it and I’m glad that you had it to give you hope.”

“You see something else in it, don’t you?” I asked, refusing to let go of his hug as I rested my chin on his shoulder.

“I think, because of my own past, I focused a lot on the drug use,” Sirius elaborated. “And it struck me as odd that it was talked about so openly in Roger’s past, and Mimi was very open with her drug use at the beginning. Myself, and everyone I know, tried to hide their drug use from everyone, even when evidence was presented against us, and then were ostracized when we admitted we needed help.”

“I wonder if that’s because in the story, they have a more accepting group of friends who understood that sometimes vices are needed to survive,” I said softly.

“Way to use your brain,” Sirius huffed, still holding onto me.

“I’m sorry though,” I started. “I didn’t think about how Rent might have brought up things from your past that you didn’t want to think of. I should have asked--”

“Remus,” Sirius said as he pulled away. “I’m glad we saw it. I need something to bring up my past every now and then or else my head would get too big with present-day excitement and I’d float away!” Sirius smiled and kissed my temple softly. “And seeing you so excited was wonderful. You don’t get visibly excited about things often.”

I was silent. I wanted to be excited about everything, especially now that life seemed to be going well. But I felt like every time I was excited about something, that meant it could go wrong.

Sirius read my mind.

“You have a lot to be excited about; we both do,” he stated. “And it takes some getting used to. Hell, I’m still getting used to the fact that I get to sleep next to a handsome guy every night.”

He pulled me close again and kissed my forehead.

I leaned down, resting my forehead against his bare chest and whispered, “Thank you Sirius.”

“I didn’t do anything,” he protested.

“You’re always there for me and help quiet my brain when it starts to go nuts,” I countered.

“Well, I don’t mind,” replied Sirius.

He lifted my shirt gently over my head and tossed it on the floor. 

“We’re going to have a busy few weeks,” I said, wondering if this would be the last full night of sleep either of us would be getting.

“Then I guess I’ll put my other thoughts away, and be content that I have a shirtless Remus to sleep next to,” Sirius replied with a grin.

I considered his offer for a moment, but was too emotionally wound up about the musical and about all of the exciting things in our recent past and near future to focus my energy on any particular activity.

“As long as you stay shirtless too, we’ll be comfortable,” I replied, climbing into bed.

Sirius smacked my ass as I scooted over to my side of the bed, before he gave up on trying to convince me to kiss him and settled on curling up behind me.

I felt his breath and heartbeat against my neck and back and relaxed into the gentle rhythm of his closeness. I felt my anxiety slip away as his warmth and companionship flowed through me.

“I love you,” he said softly into my hair after we had been laying down for a few minutes.

“I love you too, Sirius,” I replied before drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	22. The Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes to the doctor and gets a life-altering diagnosis that he wasn't prepared for.
> 
> CW: This chapter deals with getting blood taken, and mentions needles, so if that bothers you, you may want to skip that part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: This chapter deals with getting blood taken, and mentions needles, so if that bothers you, you may want to skip that part.
> 
> (Also, I promise that this story still has a happy ending, even after what happens in this chapter.)

“Mrmph,” I vocalized as I hit something warm and solid.

Usually when I rolled over in bed on late weekend mornings, I rolled into empty covers or the wall. Today, though, I rolled right into Sirius.

“Mrmph yourself,” came the grumpy reply.

I noticed the clock displayed 11:30am and I poked Sirius in between his shoulder blades until he turned over to face me.

“Not that I’m complaining,” I started sleepily, “But why are you still in bed when it’s almost noon?”

“I got up to feed Snuffles, promptly threw up, and decided to go back to bed,” Sirius huffed.

“The medicine you took last night didn’t work?” I asked, awake now since I was concerned.

Sirius pushed his face into the pillow and mumbled a response I couldn’t understand.

“Love, the pillow is not going to translate for you,” I joked, trying to make him feel a little better.

Sirius rolled half his face towards me and muttered, “I didn’t take it.”

“Sirius,” I chastised. “You could be feeling better by now.”

“I’m a grown adult. I shouldn’t have to take medicine that tastes like that gross grape shit,” Sirius protested.

“It’s better than puking,” I rationalized.

“I would agree with you, except I think I’m actually sick, not just with an upset stomach, so the medicine wouldn’t work anyways,” Sirius said, rolling all the way over to face away from me. 

“Well, I appreciate you keeping your germs away from me, but if you’re sick, we need to go to the doctor and get you medicine,” I insisted. “Not just because you turn whiney when you’re sick, but because if I get sick, then my students get sick, and they pass it back to me, and then you get it again... It’s a giant cycle of gross.”

“I’ll go to the doctors after I sleep some more,” Sirius grumbled.

“Sirius, it’s only because I love you that I’m doing this,” I started. Sirius faced me and gave me a look of confusion before I said loudly, “Snuffles, time to wake up your Dad!”

At that, the large dog ran from the kitchen where he had been sleeping, bound up onto our bed, jumped over me, and started licking Sirius’s face.

“Snuffles, get off,” Sirius said weakly to no effect. 

As predicted, Snuffles ignored Sirius’s protests and continued to lick him, diving under the blankets to further dislodge Sirius from his cocoon of covers.

“I don't want to go,” Sirius protested. “If I thought I needed to, I would.”

“Then go just to shut me up, please,” I requested. “If not, I'll worry and pester you.”

“Fine,” Sirius huffed. “But let me sleep a little more first.”

****

A few hours later, I had convinced Sirius to go to an immediate care clinic to see if he had a virus or something antibiotics could fix. He was resistant, but went to appease me.

After a quick throat swab, the doctor did a physical exam before Sirius called me into the room to join them.

“I think we should take some blood work and see what exactly is going on,” the doctor said. “Especially since you don’t normally get sick, and this seems to have come on rapidly and set in acutely.”

The doctor set up the phlebotomy table and gave Sirius a tourniquet, all while I waited in the corner of the room and worried my lower lip with my teeth.

Perhaps in an effort to calm me down, or maybe to reassure himself, Sirius joked, “Having needles in me is nothing new!”

The doctor continued to prep the area on Sirius’s arm but asked, “What’s that?”

“It’s been years and years since my last hit, but I used to be a junkie,” Sirius answered honestly. “I probably should have told you about that during your medical history questions, but it’s been so long ago that I tend to block it out of my mind.”

“That makes sense,” was all the doctor replied. “I’m assuming then that you used needles?”

Sirius nodded, slightly uncomfortable with the fact that the conversation seemed to be taking this turn, even if he wasn’t quite ashamed of his past. 

“Did you share them with other people?” the doctor asked. He quickly added, “There’s no shame if you did, I would just like to know so I can accurately get a picture of your history.”

“Not often,” Sirius admitted. “But every now and then, if someone drew up too much, another one of us finished what was left in the syringe without changing the needle.”

I must have subconsciously given Sirius a look because he elaborated, “Drugs are expensive and we didn’t want to waste any.”

The doctor stuck the needle in Sirius’s arm and attached the first test tube before he stated: “Sirius, I’m concerned that sharing needles, however sparsely you engaged in that activity, may have left you exposed to some diseases that the blood tests can rule out.”

A look of concern passed over Sirius’s face briefly, but he quickly replaced it with his usual one of confidence and the room was silent as the doctor continued to draw blood.

After a moment, Sirius looked at the seven vials of blood sitting on the table and joked, “Well, with the amount of blood you are taking from me, I won't be alive long enough to deal with whatever the results are.”

The doctor ignored Sirius’s comment, finished off the last vial, and bandaged up his arm.

“Remus,” the doctor started, turning to me, “What is your relationship with Sirius?”

I paused and looked at Sirius. While this place was usually pretty queer and trans friendly, it was always risky to open up to people who could have power over you in some way, especially when it was medical power.

“I’m asking because if the two of you have been intimately involved, and Sirius’s blood does show some abnormalities or disease, it would be wise to test you as well. So if you would like to have blood taken now to spare you a trip back, I think that would be best,” the doctor explained.

I agreed and switched places with Sirius to answer a few questions and have a few vials of blood taken. They didn’t take nearly as much from me as they did from Sirius because they would only be testing my blood for whatever they found in Sirius’s blood.

“It'll take a few hours for the bloodwork to get done, but we do have a lab in the building. I suggest you two grab a bite to eat in the meantime and then I’ll call you when I have all of your results. If there’s anything we need to discuss, you’ll be close enough where we can deal with it today,” the doctor explained.

I was both relieved and anxious at the same time about how little time it would take to get the bloodwork results back.

The doctor turned to Sirius and explained the prescriptions he was going to have filled: “Regardless of the bloodwork results, you need to take this antibiotic twice a day, and this anti inflammatory ever four hours, so it may be best if Remus helps wake you up for your medication times. I'm also going to give you something to help you sleep, so your body can try to fight off whatever this virus is. If anything comes back in the bloodwork that isn't normal, I'll let you know and alter the medicine if need be, but for now everything I have you on should be fine, assuming there is nothing concerning in your bloodwork.”

“Thanks doc,” Sirius replied, getting up and shaking his hand. “No offense, but I hope this is the last time I see you for a long while!”

“Keep yourself healthy then,” the doctor replied with a smile before heading out of the room.

Sirius grabbed his leather jacket, that he insisted on wearing even in this July heat, and we headed down to the clinic’s dining hall.

In true Sirius fashion, he grabbed as much food as he could possibly fit on his tray, opting to ignore his nerves, while I grabbed some tea and a sandwich, too nervous to eat much until we found out the results of the bloodwork. While I was not entirely sure exactly what the doctor wanted to test for, I was imagining the worse case scenario. 

“Sirius,” I started as we sat down at one of the cafeteria tables. “Hopefully what you have is just a pesky virus. But whatever it is, I'm here for you and that's not going to change.”

Sirius was silent for a moment before answering, his voice devoid of it's usual light lilt, “I always expected my past to come up and affect me in some way, which is why I don’t try to hide it, but I never thought it would hurt someone I love.”

“We don’t even know if that’s a possibility yet, Sirius,” I said, trying to calm my own nerves as well as his. “He might just be overcautious.”

“You know as well as I do why they test queer men and former needle users,” Sirius replied with a low growl.

“Yes,” I agreed slowly. “But, we also know that the doctor wants to test for what could be making you sick, and he may feel like it is easier just to test for everything while we’re here, since you don’t go to the doctor unless you’re forced to.”

Sirius just shrugged.

We ate slowly to pass the time and as we were finishing up our food, the doctor called Sirius. After asking him a few questions to verify it was him and allow discussing medical records over the phone, he gave Sirius the results.

As well as I knew Sirius, and as hard as I tried to read his face, I couldn't decipher anything from him.

Sirius hung up the phone and said, “The doctor wants to see us back upstairs. He has a small break before his next appointment.”

I wanted to ask him what else the doctor said, because I knew the fact that we were called back up meant that something was wrong, but Sirius didn’t seem like he was willing to give any more information away.

We silently walked up the seemingly never ending flights of stairs and were directed into a room by the nurse where Sirius sat on the exam table and I stood awkwardly in the corner. A few seconds later, the doctor came in with a stack of papers on a clipboard. 

Without taking his eyes off of the papers, the doctor said, “I’m assuming you know that since I called you back, I am probably not going to have good news.” He did not wait for us to respond and continued, “But I do have some good news. Whatever precautions you have been taking and whatever protection you two have been using has worked because Remus has not contracted anything.”

The doctor paused and flipped the top sheet of his papers over to move on to what I assumed to be Sirius’s test results.. 

I thought about what the doctor said. If it needed to be mentioned that I didn’t have anything, then Sirius must have _something_. I, as always, was preparing myself to hear the worst news I could think of.

The doctor ran a finger down the chart and said, “Sirius, we are going to keep you on the medicine I prescribed earlier, and the pharmacy two floors down can fill it today. But I’m also going to prescribe some additional medication because of what we found on the bloodwork.”

“Just say it,” Sirius said, his voice low. “It’s clearly bad, so just tell me.”

“Well,” the doctor started with a pause, “I try not to just give diagnoses without first explaining the treatment to the patient so you have hope and a plan, but your bloodwork came back showing a low number of CD4 cells and a high number of certain blood proteins, which means you have HIV.”

The doctor paused to let us absorb what he had said.

Sirius furrowed his brow and I went over to where he sat and put my arm around his shoulders. 

“So,” I started slowly. “You can tell that there are enough CD4 cells where it has not progressed to AIDS yet?”

The doctor cocked his head at my question so I explained, “About ten years ago, I was worried I had unprotected sex with someone who may have had HIV, but I wasn’t aware of it until afterwards. At that time, there were no such medicines that we have now that can work post-exposure, so I did a lot of research while I waited for my blood test to come back. It came back negative, but I learned a lot about how the disease progresses.”

“It’s good to have that knowledge, Remus,” the doctor said with a nod. “And yes, we were able to tell that Sirius still has enough CD4 cells where he has HIV and not AIDS. His counts were around 700, and when they drop below 200, that’s when HIV has turned to AIDS. While we have made a lot of progress with research over the past decade, and are still conducting trials and testing drugs, as of right now, HIV is not curable. Eventually, it will turn into AIDS when your CD4 cell counts drop even lower, as the virus attacks your immune system.”

Throughout this explanation Sirius had been silent, so the doctor continued, talking mostly to me: “I understand that initially the diagnosis can be shocking, which is why I’m glad you’re here to listen as well, Remus. Between the two of you, and the written information I’ll give you, you should have all of the information I can give you today so you can make the best decisions. But, please know that if you have any questions after today, you are welcome to call the clinic here. We see a lot of HIV/AIDS positive patients and I want to make it extra clear to you that we are not here to judge, we are here to help you get the best treatment possible.”

“Thank you doctor,” I said, appreciating his words. “Sirius, do you have any questions before I ask mine?”

“Just one,” Sirius said softly, his forehead still furrowed. “How can it have been so long since I’ve done anything that could have resulted in me being infected for it to suddenly show symptoms?”

“Well, you said it’s been years since you last used needles, correct?” the doctor asked.

Sirius nodded.

“And have you had unprotected sex with anyone at all since then?”

Sirius shook his head no and said, “Sex is one thing I’m always careful about, mostly because before now I never wanted a reason to be in contact with someone for longer than one night “

“Then, while I can’t be certain, I can predict that you did have symptoms a few years ago, and it was either written off as the flu, or perhaps it was when you were withdrawing from drugs, so the fever, nausea, and shaking were assumed to be side effects of the withdrawal, and not symptoms of another disease,” the doctor explained. “Frankly, the exact date that you got it isn’t important. What is important is that you let anyone you shared needles with know that they may be at risk, either having been the carrier themselves or having gotten it from an unknown carrier, such as yourself.”

Sirius was silent and he tilted his head in thought. “As far as I know, everyone who I used to use with is dead. But, if I think of anybody else or anything like that, I’ll definitely let them know.”

“I know that’s hard to do sometimes, so I appreciate your ability to be confident enough to talk to them honestly, even if they may not want to listen,” the doctor said before turning back to me. “Remus, what were your questions?”

I thought for a moment about how to word things the best way possible before saying, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but with proper management, HIV and AIDS are no longer certain death sentences like they were when the virus first spread in the 1980s, right?”

“While the patient usually does die from something they caught because their immune system was compromised from the virus, you are correct in the fact that people with HIV/AIDS can live normal, routine lives with slight alterations to some of their activities, and with proper medication,” the doctor explained. “It’s not like other diseases where we have a certain timeline that we assume the patient will fall into. Some people can have HIV for many, many years before their CD4 counts are low enough where it becomes AIDS. Other people seem to be more susceptible to the virus and their CD4 counts drop quickly. It’s an unpredictable virus in that way. And Sirius, since you seem to have gone a long time without being sick, and your CD4 levels are low but not depleted, I would suspect that you are going to fall into the category of patients who have HIV for many years before it turns in AIDS. However, I can’t guarantee that.”

Sirius just nodded, so I continued asking questions, wanting to get as much information as possible, while giving Sirius his own time to process the news.

“I have a few more questions, some for Sirius and some for myself,” I started. “Isn’t there a drug that I can take to allow us to still be intimate and prevent me from getting the virus?”

“Yes,” the doctor answered. “Although I still advise condoms or other protective measures, as well as getting regular blood checks to catch the virus at the earliest possible stage if by some means you do manage to get the virus.”

“Okay,” I nodded. “I know from some of the training I’ve done on hepatitis B and other pathogens that I could get from students, that if Sirius is bleeding or anything like that, I need to use gloves and a face mask to help clean things up or bandage him or whatever the case may be.” I noticed Sirius staring daggers at me and added, “Not that you wouldn’t be able to do it yourself, babe, but I know me and I would insist on helping anyways.”

Sirius nodded and gave a small smile as he continued to listen to the doctor and I talk.

“You’re correct, Remus,” the doctor said. “I also suggest sterilizing any surfaces and using alcohol-based soap to wash your hands afterwards.”

I nodded and moved on to my next question, “So what sort of medications will Sirius be on for this?”

“With this, research has come a long way,” the doctor explained. “Right now, you can take one pill, twice a day, that covers all of the cocktail of drugs that best slows down the progression of the virus. The big mistake people make with that is they assume that since there is a medicine that means there’s a cure. That’s not the case, yet, but the medicine does wonders for allowing patients to continue their normal life and have a high quality of life for as long as possible.”

“So, the other key thing would be to monitor things like the illness Sirius has now, right?” I asked, knowing the answer but wanting Sirius to hear it incase he wanted to be too stubborn to go to the doctor in the future. “That way we can do the best to treat what he has before it takes advantage of the weakened immune system.”

“Exactly,” the doctor said. “And to return for monthly blood tests to keep a close eye on your CD4 levels and certain proteins in your blood.”

“Do I have to tell the people I work with?” Sirius asked, speaking up for the first time in a while. “Because as a mechanic we get nicked on things all the time.”

“If you feel that you can open up to them, the best thing to do would be to tell them,” the doctor rationalized. “However, if you can’t, you should at least tell them that you have a blood disorder and that you have to be the one to clean up any time you bleed.”

“And I’ll be extra vigilant about taking steps to not catch germs from my students so I won’t bring the germs home,” I thought out loud.

“I know this is a lot to think about, and probably not what you were expecting to hear from your visit today,” the doctor stated softly. “So, for right now, I would go ahead down to the pharmacy and pick up your medication. You may want to get one of those daily medicine organizers because with HIV medication, it’s imperative that you don’t miss doses. Again, you are welcome to call if you have any questions, but I’d like to see both of you back for bloodwork in about two months.”

The doctor shook both of our hands before leaving the room to give us time to process everything. Sirius seemed in no mood to talk, and I knew he would be once he figured out things in his own mind, so we picked up Sirius’s prescriptions and went home.

The entire car ride was silent. I didn’t have anything to say, and Sirius wasn’t ready to say what was on his mind yet.

It wasn’t until we were home, the animals were taken care of for the night, and Sirius went to take his medications that he spoke.

“My mom was right,” Sirius said roughly.

Of all the things I expected Sirius to say when he finally decided to talk, that was not one of them.

“Right about what, Sirius?” I asked, confused.

“When I first told her I liked men, she responded by telling me that I would be punished with AIDS and die,” Sirius explained.

“Well, we all know she wasn’t a wonderful woman,” I said, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. My parents reacted pretty poorly to me being trans, but they didn’t tell me I was going to die because of it. “And like the doctor said, there are medications that extend people’s lives with HIV for years, even decades, before it turns in AIDS.”

“But it will turn into AIDS eventually, and then I’ll become sick and helpless and a burden,” Sirius sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands.

“You will not become a burden to me,” I insisted, sitting down behind him and rubbing his back. “If anything, it’ll give me something to fuse at you about, which you know I’m good at doing.”

Sirius cracked a small smile and said, “I wouldn’t blame you if you left me. In fact, most of the ride home I was debating on leaving you so you wouldn’t have the option of watching me get sick.”

“Sirius, your noble pride is not going to win this,” I said, so glad that he was telling me instead of actually leaving. “I plan on sticking with you, just like you stuck with me when I was in the hospital. I have mental illnesses, you have physical illnesses, so we both will have to lean on each other at some point. And that’s okay. I love you and I will take care of you forever and I imagine you feel the same way about me.”

“I do,” Sirius said, moving his head back to lean against my chest. “I will take care of you for as long as I can.”

“Alright, so we know our long term commitment,” I started. “Which means no more talk of leaving for ridiculously noble causes or to hide our shame.”

Sirius nodded against me in agreement.

“For the short term, we need to get this bacteria out of your system so I’m going to bother you to take your antibiotics and other medicine until you’re better, and then we’ll go along living life normally until either one of us has something we need to deal with, and then we’ll tackle it together,” I insisted. “Because we’re good together and nothing, not even a pesky virus, will tear us apart.”

Sirius sighed deeply and said, “I hope you’re right.”

“For once, let me be the one with the confidence, Sirius,” I said. “I’m right about this, I know I am.”

“I don’t know how I’d take this news without you being rational and asking the necessary questions,” Sirius admitted. “My first thought when he said HIV was that there was no reason for me to continue to be drug-free because I already caught the worst thing possible.”

“I don’t want to see you fall back into addiction, Sirius,” I said. “I want us to continue on the healthy, normal, wonderful path that we’re on right now.”

“I want that too,” Sirius agreed. “It’s just strange to have that path even as an option for me.”

“We both knew life wasn’t going to be easy for us,” I said with a laugh. “This will just be another thing that we fight through together.”

I kissed the back of Sirius’s head before scooting away and laying down.

“I could use a good night’s sleep,” I said, gesturing for Sirius to get under the covers with me.

“I think the sleeping medicine he gave me is starting to kick in,” Sirius replied, curling up next to me.

“Maybe we’ll both sleep past noon for once,” I joked, desperate to hear Sirius laugh again.

He huffed, and I took that as a win.

For Sirius’s sake, I tried to quiet my mind so I could sleep and be able to help him think through everything again if he needed to in the morning.

Obviously this was big news, and would cause some daily changes, but I was confident it was something we could face together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	23. Capital Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys discuss Sirius’s recent diagnosis, Remus deals with his anxiety, and the couple goes to Capital Pride. (Note: Pride is normally in June, but to fit into the timeline of this story, it’s in July.)

“Do you think the antibiotics are working?” I asked Sirius over breakfast.

He nodded his head and replied, “I only have two more days left on them, and I think everything should be cleared up by then. And I'm no longer contagious!”

“Good,” I nodded. “Are we ever going to talk about the bigger diagnosis or just ignore it completely?”

Sirius glared at me over his cereal and stated, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Sirius,” I started with a sigh, “You can’t get a life-altering diagnosis and then pretend like it doesn’t exist.”

“But that’s the thing, it doesn’t impact me all the time, right?” Sirius explained. “So why constantly live in fear of this virus when I could continue living my life and making the most out of everything? I’m obviously going to continue taking the HIV medicine, and I’ll suck it up and go to the doctor when I get sick now instead of putting if off for weeks, but I’m not going to hide away from the outside world for fear of getting sick. Until I’m physically too weak to move, I plan on continuing my life normally.”

“I understand wanting to do that, Sirius, but you are now at greater risk--”

“I know,” Sirius interrupted, exasperated. “I could also get hit by a car crossing the street. I could get struck by lightning in these ridiculous summer storms that I swear we didn’t have where I used to live. I could get trampled by a fucking elephant escaping the zoo!”

“I highly doubt that you would get trampled by an elephant… We’re an hour away from the closest zoo,” I said with a small smile. “But I understand. I don’t like when people walk on eggshells around me when they’ve learned about my mental health issues, and I shouldn’t be so cautious around you. But please know that it comes from the fact that I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know,” Sirius replied, all traces of anger gone from his voice. “But if anything, the diagnosis has made me more stubborn, which I’m sure you’ll appreciate.” He flashed me a mischievous smile. “I’m determined to do as much as I can to keep a normal life, regardless of the virus. I need to be around people and continue working for as long as I can before I’m forced to give into it.”

“I’m glad you’re so stubborn,” I replied. “And I have no doubt that you will give this virus a run for its money. Just promise me that if you feel yourself getting sicker, you’ll tell me? Just so I know?”

Sirius glared at me for a moment before replying, “I promise I’ll tell you, but I don’t promise that I’ll listen to whatever advice you give me.”

I huffed, but smiled. “That’s as good as I’m going to get.”

“And in the spirit of continuing to live life to the fullest,” Sirius started with another mischievous grin, “I think we should go to Capital Pride tomorrow.”

“I’ve never been,” I replied. “I do think about it every year, but I’m not exactly sure what to expect.”

“Well, now would be the time to go, right?” Sirius asked. “Since you have some arm candy to take with you, I mean!”

I nodded and laughed, “I guess I do.”

“So you’ll come with me?” Sirius asked, looking at me like Snuffles looked at our plates when we didn’t give him a bite of our dinner.

“Yes,” I replied. “But I reserve the right to bother you to help me rub sunscreen in because it’s supposed to be really hot and sunny tomorrow.”

“If you don’t mind me touching you in front of 100,000 people, I can do that!” Sirius responded with a smirk.

I lifted an eyebrow at him in question, “100,000?”

“They’re predicting 100,000 people will show up at the parade part of the day. Apparently the parade lasts almost four hours,” Sirius elaborated. 

“Well, it’s nice to know that we have so many people in our community around here,” I replied. 

“We can leave if it gets too much,” Sirius assured me. “But I’d like to at least try to go.”

“I’m excited,” I admitted. “I’ve lived relatively close to Washington D.C. my whole life, but have never been to Pride.”

I leaned across the kitchen island and gave Sirius a quick kiss.

“If we’re going to be busy tomorrow, I need to finish my grading today though, so you’re in charge of the animals,” I said before hopping off of the kitchen stool.

“Your cat will never let me be in charge of her though. She’s a cat!” I heard Sirius say into the empty kitchen as I went into the living room to work on papers.

I was excited for tomorrow, but knew I couldn’t fully enjoy it without having all of my work done first.

*****

“We’re going to be four hours early,” I pointed out as Sirius and I sat down on the metro train.

“Then we can walk around and explore Dupont Circle, or get some food,” Sirius replied, so excited about today that he was nearly bouncing in his seat.

I smiled and grabbed Sirius’s hand as the train started to move. Any transportation except for cars gave me motion sickness unless I ate, so I stealthily pulled out a chocolate bar and split it with Sirius, despite the clear _no food or drinks_ sign on the wall.

After he finished his chocolate, Sirius hit my arm excitedly and whispered, “Let’s play _spot the gay!_ ”

“ _Spot the gay?_ ” I asked with amusement.

“Well, we’re almost at Dupont Circle, and I know we’re early, but I’m sure there are other people dressed just as obviously as we are that will board the train among the other gazillion people on here, and we should try to find them,” Sirius explained.

“If they’re dressed like us, won’t they be easy to spot?” I asked. “That’s not much of a game.”

I looked down at what I was wearing, and while it may not have been too over-the-top for some people, it was a bit out of my comfort zone. Instead of my usual button down shirt, I wore an oversized white T-shirt that had a rainbow equality sign on it. I bought it years ago in case I ever went to an occasion like Pride. I also wore my beaded bracelet that had the blue, pink, and white colors of the trans flag on it. Sirius was also dressed for the day, but it his own extravagant way, of course. He opted for a black tank-top with a giant rainbow heart on it, dark jeans with holes in them that were torn strategically to show off the colors of the rainbow leggings he wore underneath of them, and he had a rainbow flag tied around his neck like a cape. Completing the look with his always present tattoos and his absolutely pure excitement, Sirius would be easy to find if anyone else was playing this _spot the gay_ game.

“I think I found one!” Sirius leaned over to me and whispered. “The girl with the long hair across the car has a rainbow pin on her shirt.”

“Sirius, that doesn’t mean she’s gay,” I chastised. “It feels weird looking for subtly queer people when I’m sitting next to someone who is obviously going to Pride.”

Sirius smiled widely and looked at his outfit in the reflection of his phone screen before exclaiming loudly, “I like it! I don’t get to wear rainbows everyday, now that I have a respectable job with a uniform.”

A group of teenagers decked out in rainbow attire and beaded necklaces got on the train and we collectively decided the game was over.

“It's more fun to play _spot the gay_ when it's less obvious,” Sirius insisted. “Because then you have to look for little movements that they do with their partner or listen to how they talk about their roommate.”

“You're just nosey,” I joked, although I completely understood what he was talking about.

As humans we look for people like ourselves so we don't feel so alone. Sirius’s _spot the gay _was his way of doing that without acknowledging why he wanted to find other people like himself.__

__It was safer for us, statistically, to be around other queer people._ _

__Sirius was absent mindedly flicking his Zippo lighter open and close, causing it to click loudly._ _

__“Sirius, I think you're driving people nuts,” I pointed out as several people looked around to try to find the source of the noise._ _

__Sirius flipped the lighter shut with a final loud click before shoving it roughly into his jean pocket._ _

__“I want to be there now,” he complained in explanation. “I've wanted to go to Pride for years.”_ _

__“How come you never went to New York City’s Pride Parade?” I asked, knowing he used to live fairly close to the city._ _

__Sirius hesitated before replying, “My ex didn't want to go, and he was pretty funny about me doing things without him.”_ _

__“I can see why that didn't work out then!” I responded, noting that unless it was something that was going to hurt him, I knew better than to try to dissuade Sirius from doing something he had his mind set on._ _

__“Well, we ended because I was kind of an asshole,” admitted Sirius. “I valued drugs over our relationship.” He shrugged. “It worked out well, in the end, or I wouldn't have ended up moving down here and never would have met you!”_ _

__I was going to respond that I appreciated his effort to stay clear of drugs, but when we arrived at our stop, Sirius nearly fell over since he stood up before the train stopped, too excited to wait until it was safe to stand._ _

__“Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand and nearly dragging me off of the train, through the turnstiles, and up the incredibly tall escalator, bouncing up and down in place as it moved slower than he wanted it to, since there were too many people on it to walk up._ _

__When we reached street level, I had to stop and move over to the side of the walkway and look around. There were so many people that I was getting close to panicking. I knew how to deal with my anxiety at the moment: look for a way out in case I needed it, rationalize that the people weren't paying attention to me and all had their own things to do, and control my breathing to prevent my body from having a panic attack. Sirius was used to this behavior from me. Sometimes I got this overwhelmed at the grocery store or other seemingly mundane places. It happened a few times when I was teaching at my old school, when we would combine classes for a particular lesson plan and suddenly I was in charge of 75 students. (The small class size is another reason I love my new teaching job better.) But this was a different level of panic._ _

__“Sirius,” I said softly. “What if somebody bombs the parade?”_ _

__Sirius, who had been absent-mindedly rubbing my back with one hand and waiting for me to calm down, suddenly became grim._ _

__“What makes you think somebody would do that?” he asked, trying to get me to rationalize away my panic._ _

__Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect and my anxiety started to get worse as I remembered various terrorist attacks and shootings over the past few years that happened at clubs and marathons._ _

__Sirius put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. He put his forehead against mine and said softly, “Remus, we can’t live in fear. I promise if it comes down to it, I will do everything I can to protect you. But for right now, everything seems safe, doesn’t it?”_ _

__I took a deep breath and looked around. Yes, there were a lot of people on the sidewalks and trying to walk into the street, but everyone seemed happy. Plus, cops were controlling traffic to let the surge of pedestrians cross the road and parade workers were starting to put up blockades to reroute cars to clear the road for the parade. Everything seemed controlled._ _

__“Thank you Sirius,” I sighed. “I’m glad you’re the rational one in public situations.”_ _

__“Well, I am pretty awesome,” Sirius laughed against my forehead as he kissed it. “Are you okay if we stay?”_ _

__“Of course!” I replied._ _

__My anxiety may have been flaring up recently, but I was not going to let it ruin Sirius’s good time._ _

__Sirius grabbed my hand and we rejoined the crowd of people heading to Dupont Circle. Even though we were a few hours early, the circle itself was already busy with vendors selling rainbow merchandise and food, and people dancing to amatuer DJs that had set up under the trees._ _

__As we made our way through the crowd, an amplified voice rose above the general murmur of people. Looking for the source, Sirius and I saw a man dressed in all black wielding a megaphone and a Bible._ _

__We saw his sign in the grass that stated “Repent and Believe”, but before we could hear what he was saying, five people stood around him and blocked him from view. Two of those people held up a rainbow flag, while the other three held up positive religious signs, stating “God loves me the way I am”, “Queerly beloved”, and “Real Christians love ALL their neighbors”._ _

__Sirius muttered something along the lines of _he sounds like my mother_ before pulling me away to find a spot along the road to get ready for when the parade started._ _

__Sirius’s excitement started to rub off on me as we passed the time by people-watching and eating the chocolate I had smuggled in my pockets. The crowd waiting to watch the parade reminded me a lot of the customers from Madam Malkin’s. Everybody seemed so happy, decked out in their rainbow colors, the pinks, purples, and blues of the bisexual flag, the black, grey, purple, and white of the asexual flag, and the light blue, pink, and white of the transgender flag. People of varying ages, races, backgrounds, sexual orientations, and gender identities were joined together for a common cause: to celebrate our ability to be our true selves, at least for the moment. The rainbows were more numerous than the other flags, but all of us seemed to be represented in some way. It was nice to see._ _

__“It’s starting!” Sirius said as the crowd started to cheer loudly._ _

__We were stationed somewhere in the middle of the parade route, and got to see each group that participated over the course of the next three hours. Edie Windsor, one of the original marriage equality pioneers, was the Grand Marshall of the parade and lead the procession, sitting in the back of an open-topped pink car. Following her were different sports groups including a gay and trans inclusive rugby team, a local roller derby club, and a football team with people of all genders on it. After the sports came the matching bands, playing snippets of popular songs from Lady Gaga, Elton John, and other queer icons. Then came different businesses, using rainbow lettering to advertise their products and services. Following them came Sirius’s favorite groups: the motorcyclists. Multiple clubs, ranging from a queer female club to a gay veterans club, had decked out their motorcycles in rainbows and had flags representing different identities on the back of their bikes. I couldn’t hear what Sirius was saying over the noise of their engines, but he was visibly excited and pointed out several models of motorcycles that he eventually wanted to own. After the motorcycles were various groups of Drag Queens, some who had won local titles for their work and others who marched for the bars and clubs that worked at. Then came my favorite groups: the educators and local students. Teachers and students marched together, holding up signs declaring their school’s acceptance and advertising their GSA programs. Other organizations with similar signs came next, including churches, social societies, and youth groups. The conclusion of the parade consisted of people from each of the embassies located in D.C. waving their home country’s flags and wearing shirts with rainbows and statements in their national languages._ _

__By the time the parade had finished, Sirius and I had collected beads, fans, bubbles, and snacks that were thrown into the crowd by the excited marchers._ _

__“Look at how many beads I got!” Sirius bragged, shaking the necklaces piled up on his chest. “And I didn’t even have to show my boobs!”_ _

__“Me either,” I replied with a smile, shaking my smaller pile of beads._ _

__I may be slightly taller than Sirius, but he was quicker with jumping up to catch the thrown souvenirs._ _

__Sirius stepped close to me and put his forehead against my forehead, as the crowd started to thin out._ _

__“I almost wish my mom was still alive so she could see how much love goes into a day like today,” Sirius said softly with a harsh grin. “It would crush her.”_ _

__“It's nice to see so much support and love in one place,” I agreed. “I'm glad you suggested coming here today.”_ _

__“I'm glad you came with me,” Sirius replied, kissing my lips softly. “I told you everything would be okay.”_ _

__“You were right,” I replied reluctantly with a smile. “I should listen to you more often.”_ _

__Sirius laughed and said, “I wish I had that recorded so I can hold you too that!”_ _

__“Well, I won't admit it again,” I replied as I pulled Sirius into a tight hug._ _

__Sirius draped his arms over my shoulders and cocked his head, “I haven't seen you smile this much in awhile.”_ _

__“I'm really happy with you,” I explained. “I never would have been able go to something with this many people without you, and it's nice to feel like we have a place in society.”_ _

__“I agree, “ Sirius nodded. “And I know where we live isn't too bad, but I wish we lived somewhere with a larger queer population. Imagine if this many people were visibly queer every day!”_ _

__“That would be wonderful,” I agreed. “Some place like some of the queer neighborhoods in New York City.”_ _

__“I would be interested in moving there, after my Dad dies, because I cannot be that close to him while he's alive.” Sirius’s frown turned to a smile as he joked, “We'll just have to be extra gay in our everyday lives to make up for it.”_ _

__“It's a good thing I love you, “ I replied with a smile._ _

__“Gaaayyyy,” Sirius laughed as we headed toward the metro._ _

__I nodded in agreement. I was so comfortable with Sirius, and adventures like today proved just how good he was for me. I could only hope that he felt the same way about me._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	24. True Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius loves his new job and the dirt that comes with it, the boys start to get intimate but Sirius’s deeper feelings about his diagnosis come up, and the couple ends up on the balcony watching the stars and professing their love for one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I try not to respond to messages in the notes section of stories, but there are a few things I’d like to share with you all:
> 
> I think if you’re reading this and have made it this far into the story, you’ve noticed that it’s a work in progress and that things change as I continue to write.
> 
> I’ve gotten better at updating the tags, but please be kind to your mental health and stop reading if a topic I’ve introduced bothers you. I know it can be frustrating and disappointing when you have to stop reading a story. (I have had to do it when I was reading something where I was 40+ chapters in and had to stop reading because sexual assault was brought up and that’s triggering for me.) Please know that I try to point out everything that I think may be problematic or triggering at the beginning of each chapter, but I cannot know all the triggers for everyone and may miss pointing something out. Plus, new topics that may potentially be triggering can be introduced at any time, since this is a work in progress. I also try to include all of the necessary information in the content warning the beginning chapter notes, but don’t want to give things away for people that are reading. I try to keep a healthy balance between fairly warning everybody and keeping the story progressing without giving away the entire chapter at the beginning. 
> 
> Also, please know that I personally deal with a chronic illness, and while I don’t have specific experience with HIV, I am not using it as a shock tactic to gain more readers. (In fact, I have had quite a few people tell me that having Sirius diagnosed with HIV is the reason they stopped reading this story.) I honestly think it is something that Sirius, in this AU, would plausibly have to deal with based on his past. If it is upsetting to you, please don’t continue reading. 
> 
> I still promise that this story will have a happy ending, but I never said it would be happy the entire time. I know how shitty it is in real life when you always feel like you’re dealt obstacles one after another, but I have hope (for myself and these boys) that things will turn out okay.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and I appreciate positive comments and constructive criticism.
> 
> [Another side note, please stop sending me negative things about transgender people. I’ve received comments on here and on Tumblr stating that trans people don’t exist, that I’m pushing a political agenda by making a character transgender, and many more rude statements. I’m a trans man and can assure you now that anything you send me that is transphobic will be disagreed with personally, and I will delete the comment/message. Also, why devote time to reading a story about a trans character if you don’t like trans people? Seems silly to me.]  
> ****

“How mad would you be if I wiped my hands on your shirt?” Sirius asked with a laugh as he came up to me at the kitchen island.

I looked up from the papers I was grading and made a face at Sirius. His hands were covered in oil and grime from the day, and I was still wearing a white button-down shirt from teaching.

“Don’t even think about it Sirius,” I said with a frown. “I’ve managed to not spill tea on my shirt, and somehow Snuffles hasn’t jumped on me and gotten it muddy yet, and I do not need you to ruin it!”

Sirius grinned and came closer, hands outstretched towards me.

“Sirius, I mean it,” I said sternly. 

Usually his antics amused me, but I took pride in being clean and tidy and did not want Sirius to ruin that. Plus, this shirt was really comfortable.

Sirius gave no sign of stopping so I did the first thing that came to mind and quickly pulled my shirt off over my head.

Sirius stopped walking towards me and cocked his head.

“Don’t you usually unbutton your shirt before you take it off?” Sirius asked.

“It’s made from spandex or some similar material, so it’s stretchy,” I replied. “Which is another reason why I would like you to not wipe your hands on me!”

“Nothing is going to come off of them,” Sirius replied as he swiped his index finger on my arm as proof. “I wash my hands a few times throughout the day, but I think they’re permanently stained at this point.”

“Is it worth it though for the job you have?” I asked, knowing the answer but wanting to see Sirius light up.

“It is!” he said enthusiastically. “Today we had a red and white 1934 Harley come in for pinstriping and I got to do the left side, which pissed off one of the guys who has been there longer than me because he wanted to do it, but the boss said I had steadier hands.”

“So you’re making friends?” I joked.

“He’ll get over it,” Sirius said with a smile. “There’s only four of us there, so we get on each other’s nerves by the end of the day.”

“You still like it though?” I asked.

“I really do,” Sirius replied. “I get to work on all sorts of motorcycles, and motorcycle people are different than everyone else and it’s refreshing.”

I nodded in agreement before adding, “I’m glad you left the hookah bar though, even if Tom was sad to see you go. I missed having you and your grimy hands around the house.”

Sirius smiled and hopped up on the stool next to me.

“I didn’t expect you to be home right now,” Sirius said after a moment of thought. “Don’t you usually work at the bar on Fridays?”

“I think they got tired of me bringing in grading to do when business was slow, so they just wrote me out of the schedule and stopped giving me shifts,” I replied, feeling a bit bad about it. “But the other guys wanted more hours anyways, so hopefully it’ll work out well for them.”

“Good, because if I had to be the one alone in the house I would get bored way too quickly,” Sirius joked. He nodded towards the stack of papers on the counter and asked, “What are you grading?”

“My history students did an atlas map activity. It’s different for each class, but essentially they labeled a map of the section of the world they’re learning about. Some of the kids labeled it with words, others with colors, others with a key. It makes it a good assignment for kids that are on different levels and it’s pretty easy for me to grade because there’s a set end result.”

“Even with all the grading, you seem much happier now that you’re teaching again,” Sirius noted.

“I am,” I agreed. “Although I need to go put a shirt on before I continue grading, thanks to you.”

Sirius grinned and said, “You don’t have to.”

“I’m not grading half-naked, it’s weird,” I huffed.

“It’s Friday,” Sirius said, stepping closer. “You don’t have to finish grading papers tonight.”

“Sirius, if I don’t keep on top of the grading it gets to be too much,” I pointed out.

“But if you don’t relieve some stress, you’ll explode,” Sirius said with a sly grin.

I narrowed my eyes at him as I thought. He was right, I didn’t have to finish grading tonight, and it had been awhile since both of us were home and awake at the same time.

I pushed my stool back away from the counter and crossed my arms over my bare chest, feigning irritation, and stated, “I’ll need convincing that whatever alternative to working you’re proposing is worth it.”

Sirius’s eyes lit up with the challenge and he stared at me for a moment before slowly undoing one button at a time of his navy blue work shirt.

I watched his finger’s deliberate movements with attention, reminded of the other things Sirius could do with those fingers.

With his shirt now unbuttoned, Sirius slipped it off of his shoulders and tossed it onto the counter, knocking over my papers in the process.

“Sirius,” I groaned in annoyance.

“I’ll get them later,” he replied, waving a hand at the mess dismissively.

I looked around the room and laughed: Sirius, barefoot in his black undershirt and baggy navy blue cargo pants with his eyes full of fire, was standing three feet away from me, bare-chested with my arms crossed and eyes narrowed, still dressed in work slacks and dress shoes, next to a pile--well, more accurately the result of an avalanche--of papers that Minerva decided would be a perfect place to sit, with Snuffles sleeping through everything, so soundly that he was snoring.

“Let’s move this somewhere else before you cause more destruction?” I suggested.

Sirius flashed me a crooked grin and nodded before grabbing my hand and heading to our bedroom.

It was clear that we hadn’t been home often in the past few weeks because in spite of my best efforts, clothes were tossed around the bedroom and shoes were ten feet away from their mate across the floor.

The mess clearly did not bother Sirius and he pushed a pair of jeans aside with his foot and pulled me against him roughly as he shut the door.

“If I remember correctly,” Sirius started, his voice so low it was almost a growl, “you said something about testosterone increasing your sex drive and sensitivity.”

I nodded in agreement. 

“And I think you’ve been on it this time around for long enough where it should be in full effect,” Sirius continued.

I nodded again and raised my eyebrows at him.

Sirius grinned and said, “I think it’s time I brought out something to tease you with.”

Thanks to Sirius and the trust I had in him, I had expanded my experience with sex and various sex accessories, but he never stopped surprising me with what he had hidden around the bedroom.

“Wait there,” he said, walking over and digging through his dresser.

Sirius made a noise of delight as he found whatever it was he was looking for and closed it in his hand, hiding it from my view, as he made his way back over to where I was still standing.

Sirius kept walking as he reached me and pushed my back against the door, kissing me roughly.

We had kissed hundreds of times, but each time he kissed me like this, I couldn’t help but moan from deep in my chest. His possessive nature came out in full force, and I could barely form rational thoughts when he had me pinned like this.

Suddenly, Sirius stepped back and worried his lip with his teeth. 

“So,” he started with uncharacteristic caution, “I have a question.”

“Go for it,” I replied, forcing my eyes stop wandering over his body. 

“I'm half-convinced the reason we haven't done anything physical in a while is because my dumbass got myself infected with HIV, thanks to my past bad habits,” Sirius said in one breath. “Not because you don't want to, but because I couldn't live with myself if I gave you this disease. Do you agree?”

I tilted my head and stared at Sirius. It wasn’t like him to lay his feelings out like this.

“You’re not a dumbass,” I said sternly as I grabbed Sirius by the hand and lead him over to the bed, sitting down on the edge next to him. 

“I would never want you to do something you’re not comfortable with, and I wouldn’t do something that I knew could result in you feeling guilty.” I started, choosing my words carefully. “Let’s look at this rationally. I’m on the Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis medicine that almost completely gets rid of my risk of contracting HIV, you take your medicine every day which essentially lowers the amount of HIV in your body so it’s even less likely to spread, and we always have used and will continue to use condoms so I’m not even in contact with fluids that could spread HIV.”

Sirius nodded, but said nothing.

“And, there are more options than penetrative sex,” I continued. “Whatever devious idea you had with what you’re still holding in your hand is probably safe.”

Sirius grinned and opened his hand to reveal a small bullet vibrator sitting in his palm before agreeing, “It would be totally safe.”

“But please don’t ever feel obligated to do anything, physical or otherwise, that you aren’t 100% comfortable with,” I insisted.

Sirius was picking at the thread on the blanket.

“I know I’m encouraging a bad habit, but let me put on a shirt and we can go smoke a cigarette,” I said, knowing that Sirius was better able to process his thoughts when he was physically doing something.

“Good idea,” he replied before getting up to tuck the vibrator back into its hiding spot.

I switched my dress pants and shoes for jeans and slippers and grabbed a shirt from the top of the clean clothes pile and pulled it over my head.

“You look absolutely adorable in my shirt!” Sirius said with a grin.

I looked down and smiled. Sirius and I had two very different body shapes, and his shirt was loose around my collarbones and tight at my hips.

I followed Sirius out of the bedroom, through the kitchen where he muttered “I will pick up those papers eventually” and out of our living room onto the balcony. We each silently lit up a cigarette from the ever-present pack on the white plastic table, and I sat down in a matching white plastic chair, while Sirius leaned on the balcony railing.

I leaned back in my seat and waited for Sirius to work through the thoughts in his head.

“It’s just weird for me because I’ve always been a very sexual person,” Sirius explained. “My sexuality was one of the first things I had that was _my_ identity and not something that my parent’s imposed upon me. The BDSM community was there for me when I tried to quit drugs, and they were there for me when I failed, and they showed me how to value myself enough to stay safe, at least with sex. I owe a lot of my self-worth to them, and I feel like I failed them and I’m failing you now.”

I got up and joined Sirius at the railing as he lit up another cigarette and sighed heavily.

“I understand that completely,” I assured Sirius. “For so many years, I felt like I only had my trans identity. Once I came to terms with myself and starting living my life as I truly felt, I had this emptiness of trying to figure out what else was my identity. It took me a few years to realize that being trans is not my only identity. I’m also a teacher and a good listener. I’m gay and an advocate for equality. I’m an animal lover and obsessed with chocolate.”

I paused and took a drag on my cigarette, waiting for Sirius to respond with his own observation, but decided to continue since he was silent.

“Don’t get me wrong, Sirius, I absolutely love sex with you,” I said bluntly, deciding that Sirius could benefit from me explaining my own thoughts. “But there’s more to you than that. I love you because of your passion for making sure everybody in the room feels welcomed. I love you because you love animals. I love you because when you speak, you speak with your whole heart. I love you because you are dedicated to bettering yourself and your life. I love you because you’re living your dream as a motorcycle mechanic. I love you because you exude confidence, even when you are secretly doubting yourself. I love you for all of you.”

A soft blush had crept into Sirius’s cheeks. We usually showed our love for each other with our everyday actions: making sure the other person had eaten enough, bumping legs with each other while we watched TV, and taking each other to doctor’s appointments. Rarely did either of us verbally state our feelings.

“I love you for all of you, too,” Sirius replied softly. “I never would have imagined I would end up with someone as wonderful as you.”

I smiled. “That makes two of us.”

We each finished up our cigarettes and I said, “Please promise me that you won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with? I feel awful that you’ve been carrying these feelings around and I had no idea.”

“I will be comfortable with sex again, I’m sure, but not until I’ve lived with the knowledge of my diagnosis for a little while longer,” Sirius explained. “But yes, I promise I won’t do anything until I’m comfortable, and I’ll let you know. It’s not that I wasn’t sharing my thoughts with you, it’s just that I didn’t quite realize what I was feeling until the moment came up.”

“I understand stand that,” I replied as I put my arm around Sirius’s lower back. “And I appreciate you keeping me in the loop as you figure things out.”

We stood in silence for a few moments before Sirius pointed up at the sky. “You can’t always see it, but that bright star right there, way to the left of Orion’s Belt is the star I’m named after.”

“It fits that you’re the brightest star!” I said.

“You’re a dork,” Sirius snorted. “But I love you.”

“I love you too,” I replied, stifling a yawn. “Let’s clean up the paper avalanche in the kitchen and call it a night.”

“Sorry about that!” Sirius said with a smile indicating that he was more amused than apologetic. “And maybe I can go back to kissing you before we _have_ to go to sleep.”

I agreed and lead the way inside, excited for the night to continue.


	25. New York City!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius visit Tonks in New York City and explore the unique shops and nightlife. (In which Sirius is clearly addicted to coffee, Remus is working on his social anxiety, and Tonks enjoys a strip club.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (In this story, Remus, Tonks, and Sirius are all around the same age.)  
> This is based off of an anonymous Tumblr message that I got asking me how Sirius and Remus would act in a strip club. Thank you to whoever sent that :)  
> Also, shoutout to a friend of mine from back when we were in college who does burlesque dancing and gave me inspiration for the outfits!  
> (This is one of those chapters that I really enjoyed writing, but it isn’t integral to the plot. I just thought the boys were due for some fun!)

It was so early on a Saturday morning that even the sun was still sleepy, and it barely poked above the horizon. Even in the dim light, everything was hazy and the air was thick with August heat.

Sirius and I were in the car heading up to see his cousin, Tonks, just outside of New York City. She had moved to a small apartment there to get away from the relatives that bothered both her and Sirius, and she finally had a weekend off of work. We wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but that meant waking up at this ridiculous hour.

Sirius, of course, was bright and chipper, working on his second cup of coffee. I had my tea in a travel mug and a blanket across my lap, and was trying not to fall asleep in the passenger seat of the car so I could be a successful navigator. 

For the first few hours of the trip, we listened to Sirius’s rock and grunge CDs, paused only when I gave directions. It gave me plenty of time to wake up, and allowed Sirius time to drink another three thermoses of coffee that he had stashed in the driver side door of his Mustang. He never paused the music long enough for me to give him a lecture about what so much caffeine was doing to his heart.

Mid-way through our trip, after we stopped to get gas in the car and grab some snacks, Sirius decided to fill the rest of the car ride with stories about him and Tonks as children, as he drank yet another cup of coffee.

“If we were siblings, we would have driven my parents absolutely insane,” Sirius said fondly. “They liked to watch Tonks because they didn’t think her parents were doing a great job of raising her… My parents thought her parents were too liberal to have a child who would grow up to be a successful member of society. Every time Tonks came over, they insisted on calling her by her first name...which I’m not even going to tell you because if you accidentally call her by it, she will stab you with a stare, or possibly a fork or a pencil that she’s holding...and they always tried to dye her hair back to a _normal_ color, even though her parents let her dye it pink and blue and all sorts of colors, even when she was young.”

I smiled, imaging a young Sirius and Tonks running around together, causing trouble.

“She was actually the first person I told about liking guys,” Sirius admitted. “I figured if anyone could accept me, it would be her, and if for whatever reason she didn’t accept me, then I needed to go back into hiding myself.”

“I’m glad she accepted you then!” I interjected.

“Me too,” Sirius agreed with a nod. “And it turns out she’s bisexual, something my parents loved to point out as a fault in her upbringing until that rationale failed when they found out about me though.”

“At least her parents were supportive of her,” I said. “They sound lovely.”

“They are great. I would spend as much time as possible with them when I was young,” explained Sirius. “My parents didn’t like it, but they decided it was easier to send me there than to bring me along to social functions, since I tended to embarrass them.”

“You would never embarrass them on purpose, I’m sure,” I joked with Sirius.

His eyes lost their shine for a second as he replied, “I embarrassed them just by existing.”

I squeezed Sirius’s hand that was resting on his lap. I had given up on nagging him to drive with two hands, and threaded my fingers loosely through his as he continued his stories.

“Although I did do things to embarrass them on purpose,” Sirius admitted with a grin, the sparkle back in his eyes. “At fancy social dinners, I would set up the cake to fall down on the first person to take a piece, or use condiments to draw obscene shapes on the paper tablecloths.”

“Well, it worked out great for you that you got to spend some time with Tonks then!” I shook my head, smiling, and trying to imagine how I would have reigned in a young Sirius.

“Her parents let me run around barefoot, fed me organic chocolate, and gave me shampoo to help my hair grow long,” Sirius remembered. “All sorts of things my parents hated. My parents used to be hippies back in their younger days, and had some bad experiences with people who were using the culture to leech off of others, so they went in the total opposite direction and became complete tightasses.”

I tilted my head and thought for a minute before I asked Sirius, “Did her parents come visit you in jail?”

He shook his head, “No, they had a lot of other things going on during my longest stay. Tonks had been in a really intense relationship right out of high school and took a huge hit to her self-esteem when he dumped her. She’s an incredibly strong girl, but this guy had gotten under her skin. Her parents were there for her and she’s come around to believing in herself again, which is another reason why I’m so excited to see her. At my mom’s funeral I finally saw the light in her eyes that had been gone for so long. She feels everything strongly, whether it’s sadness or joy or any other emotion.” 

I squeezed Sirius’s hand and agreed, “She seems like a lovely person, even from just the little bit that I talked to her at your mom's funeral.”

“Just be careful what you give her to hold onto,” Sirius said with a laugh. “She will probably drop it, or trip over something and it will break.”

“Good thing I have my bag then,” I smiled. 

I wasn’t the most graceful person in the world either, and I was too paranoid about forgetting to bring something with me or losing my wallet or anything else, so I carried a draw string bag with me almost everywhere I went. It worked well for Sirius too, because he couldn’t fit anything in the pockets of his skin-tight jeans and often kept his keys and wallet in my bag.

“What’s her street number again?” Sirius asked me as we pulled into a residential area.

“She should be in complex number four on this road, and she’s in the twelfth apartment,” I replied, looking at the piece of paper where he had written down her address.

Sirius pulled into a large parking lot in front of Victorian style buildings that had been split into several single-family complexes.

He pulled out his phone and called Tonks, letting her know we were here, and she emerged from the second level of a building, her bright lavender hair shining in the sun.

“Hey boys!” she said as she waved. “I’ll be down in just a second.”

“Did she say where she was taking us when you talked to her on the phone?” I asked Sirius while we waited.

Sirius laughed and said, “She had some ideas, but knowing Tonks the day could take a totally different term. So be prepared for anything!”

I grabbed my draw-string bag out of the car and slipped it over my shoulders, noting that anything I could possibly need for the day would be in that.

“Sirius!” Tonks said loudly as she strode across the parking lot to meet us. “I’ve missed you.”

She gave him a hug before saying in my direction, “Nice to see you again, Remus.” She made an exaggerated note to look me up and down before smirking at Sirius as he grabbed my hand.

“You’re still set on keeping this one, I see?” she asked with a laugh.

“Damn right!” Sirius said as I grinned.

Tonks ran a hand through her short lavender hair, ruffling it up, as she said, “A bus should leave for New York City soon from the stop a few blocks away, so we should start walking in this direction.”

“If I sweat so much that I die, I blame you, Tonks,” Sirius said.

“It’s not my fault you wear all black,” replied Tonks with a huff.

“Yeah, well, Remus wears long-sleeves all the time and nobody bothers him about it!” Sirius replied, sounding like a child playing the blame game.

“But I have my sleeves rolled up and I’m not complaining about dying from heat,” I said, hoping that the sweat on my forehead from the sun wasn’t too obvious.

We alternated picking on each other and complaining about the weather as we got on the bus and made our way to New York City. After about an hour, the bus stopped and we got off in a section of town that did not seem very touristy, but Tonks seemed very comfortable there.

We stopped in different shops along the street. Tonks spent a long time in a jewelry store, looking at handmade earrings made of glass and baked bracelets made of clay. She had picked out her items and paid, but we were still looking for Sirius. We found him in the back of the store, trying on scarves with bold patterns and exclaiming how he was going to make that his new signature look.

“It goes nice with your all black everything,” Tonks said with a laugh.

“Whatever, I like it,” Sirius said as he bought a bright red and gold scarf. “It makes me feel like I fit in in New York City.”

“Not everyone here is flaming,” Tonks said. “Some of us blend right in!”

“You've never blended in a day in your life,” Sirius pointed out as we walked down the sidewalk.

“I've never wanted to blend in,” Tonks replied. “It's boring.”

“And safe,” I pointed out.

“I'm not openly flaming though,” Tonks retorted. “I just like bright hair and fun patterns on clothes! None of that alludes to my bisexuality.”

I agreed with a nod, but I was distracted as I paused to look in a dim window that belonged to a bookstore. 

“We should go in before Remus starts bouncing with anticipation,” Sirius said fondly.

Tonks agreed, but I was already through the door. 

This bookstore was different than the ones near home. It seemed more authentic, like it was owned and run by book lovers, instead of being an over-bright corporate store. The door had a gentle chime that sounded magical as it shut behind me. With the exception of the rubber mat right inside of the door, the floor was covered in a plush navy blue carpet. The lighting was soft, given off mostly by electric candles and shaded lamps on the book shelves. It flickered and glowed warmly on the pale yellow walls. At the end of the rows of bookshelves were large deep cherry wood chairs and couches with dark red cushioned upholstery. They looked comfortable enough to sleep in, and were the perfect place to sit down with a good book. The shelves were made of the same wood as the chairs and rose high enough towards the ceiling that when I stepped between two shelves, I felt fully encompassed in this world of books. I wandered around for a long time, wonderfully enamored with different sections and specific titles that caught my eye.

I finally decided on a few books to buy and slipped them into my bag after I paid for them.

I went to leave the store and found Sirius, holding a cup of coffee he bought from the small in-store cafe, and Tonks whispering to each other in the chairs.

“We know where we're going tonight!” Tonks exclaimed, excited.

I raised my eyebrow at Sirius, hoping he wouldn't agree to do anything too ridiculous.

“If you don’t like it, we can leave, just give it a chance,” Sirius assured me. 

Tonks grinned, “But first, food!”

Sirius and I followed Tonks for a few blocks to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant that tourists and even most locals would overlook. 

“This is The Room,” Tonks explained we descended a steep set of stairs to get to the basement entrance. “They have really good food here.”

As we entered through a heavy wooden door, it took my eyes a few moments to adjust to the dim light. There were no windows, and it was dark, but somehow cozy. Light colored wooden tables lined three of the four walls in the dining area. The fourth wall featured a simple-looking bar with an entrance to the kitchen on one side and the entrance to the bathrooms on the other side. The place was small enough where there was no room in the center for any more tables. 

“Well, the name of the restaurant is fitting,” I noted as we were seated at a table. “It is just a room!”

“They have a brilliant selection of alcohol though,” Sirius said with a smile as he eyed the menu. “And we don’t have to drive tonight since we’re staying with Tonks!”

Sirius looked at me with an expression that could only be described as puppy dog eyes.

“You’re a grown man. You don’t need my permission to drink,” I said with a laugh, appreciative that he cared enough about my opinion to include me in the decision. “But, where else do you and Tonks plan on taking me? Because you may want to be sober for that.”

“You don’t need to be sober for that,” Tonks said with a giggle. “I promise.”

“That decides it then,” Sirius grinned. “I’m going to get bourbon and a bacon cheeseburger!”

Tonks ordered a funky sounding avocado mushroom burger, and at her suggestion I ordered pasta with chocolate marinara sauce. It sounded weird, but was just as good as she said it would be.

We finished up our meal with Sirius continuing to order more and more drinks. When it was time to go, he was a little unsteady on his feet and flashed a mischievous grin as his only response to my inquiry of our final destination for the night.

“I’ve been there before, and it’s not as bad as whatever you’re thinking” Tonks explained as we walked a few blocks more to get to this secret destination. It was dark out by now, but still humid enough where I had to focus most of my effort on walking and breathing, and couldn’t think too much about where we were going. After a while she announced, “Here we are!” and faced a neon sign above a club’s entrance.

“The Stiff Wand?” I asked in disbelief. “What kind of name is that?”

“The name of a strip club,” Sirius chimed in. “Which, according to Tonks, features all different kinds of performers. And they perform cheesy magic tricks between performances!”

“Which is where it got the name,” Tonks elaborated. “It may not be your usual hang out, but I enjoy going there. They make a point to represent a lot of different people, and focus on the people as individual performers. They don’t fetishize any identity, and the clientele, from what I have seen, has been nothing but respectful to the performers because if they’re rude, they’re kicked out.”

Sirius joked, “Clearly Tonks has spent a lot of time here.”

“Not too much,” she explained. “But I actually thought about auditioning to work here, if I wasn’t so clumsy. I’ve talked to some of the dancers and they all love what they do and find it really empowering, so I figured it might help with my confidence. Although I decided it wouldn’t work out well if I constantly fell on my ass or flew off the pole, so I just enjoy it from a spectator’s position.”

I just nodded, trying to get my pre-conceived notions of what I thought a strip club would be out of my mind.

The bouncer did a slight double take between my license and my appearance before seeming to realize that my face matched the licence, even if nothing else matched, and I decided that that was a good sign and followed Tonks and Sirius inside.

In spite of all of the bright neon lights that advertised different food and alcohol for sale, the atmosphere was very intimate. Different areas of the stage were distinguished with colored lights, some white, others blue, so that different dancers could perform at the same time while still being the center of attention. In front of each stage area were a few black tables and chairs, allowing people who sat up close a personal view of the performers. About twenty feet back from those were more black tables and chairs, allowing people who sat there to see multiple performers at once. Further back from those seats was a sleek black bar highlighted by wall paint that was a lighter blue than the rest of the walls. Every single surface had strings of fairy lights and electric tea candles, lighting up different areas with a pleasant glow.

We stood in the back for a moment, mostly for my benefit, so I could watch what was going on and decide where to sit. 

“I usually sit up front,” Tonks was explaining to Sirius. “There are a few people I like best, and that’s the best area to tip and request personal dances.”

Regardless of how oddly comfortable I felt in this place, I didn’t want to sit up front.

“Let’s sit towards the back,” I suggested. “I’m sure we all have different preferences as far as people go, and it’d be kind of nice to not have the pressure of sitting up close. Plus, we get to people-watch the audience members, which will also be fun.”

“I’ll grab some alcohol for everyone and meet you there,” Sirius exclaimed, walking over to wait in line at the bar.

“Have you ever been to a strip club before?” Tonks asked as we sat down.

“I can’t say that I have,” I shook my head. “I’m pretty boring. I stick to the same two places...a hookah bar and a gay bar that has Drag Shows.”

“I know different transgender people have different thoughts on Drag Shows. What are your opinions on the shows?” Tonks asked innocently.

A few different emotions flashed through me. Af first, I was angry that someone, presumably Sirius, had outed me to someone else without asking me first. But, at the same time, I trusted Sirius and his judgement, especially since Tonks is part of the queer community, so I felt safe with her knowing. I was also relieved, because even though Tonks was aware of the fact that I was transgender, she didn’t let it change how she treated me.

She seemed to understand my silence and explained, “Sirius only told me because he wasn’t sure how to bring it up when he saw your license at the hookah bar. He really liked you, and wanted to let you know that you didn’t have to worry about him _finding out_ , while he also wanted to not sound like a creep. He had texted me and asked for my advice.”

I relaxed and replied, “That makes sense.”

In a way, it was nice to know that Sirius put that much thought into what to say to me even before we went on our first date. Also, it was nice to know that I didn’t have to have an awkward conversation with Sirius and ask him to not randomly out me to people, since he only outed me to Tonks because he was looking for advice.

By now, Sirius came back over to the table, impressively balancing all of the drinks he was carrying.

“I got some more bourbon for me, two Heinekins for you Remus, and some cotton candy martini thing for you Tonks,” Sirius said as he set everything down.

“Two?” I asked with a smirk. “Are you trying to get me drunk or loosen me up enough so we can stay?”

“Both?” Sirius replied with fake innocence.

Before I could reply, the music changed and a song with a much stronger beat started to play.

“Everyone dances to the same song, even if the areas are sort of split up,” Tonks explained, sitting back into her chair and getting comfortable.

I sipped on my beer for something to do because I was still unsure of the environment and what exactly the social protocol was in a place like this. Did we clap as people came onto the stage? Was the audience required to participate? Did I have enough cash on me to tip dancers if they came over to us?

My thoughts subsided as four dancers came on stage all together before splitting up and taking separate places by different poles. Everybody else clapped, so I joined in. Question number one, answered. They started out doing similar moves to one another, so I tried to watch everyone at once. I looked at Sirius, whose eyes were switching between the two dancers on the left: one, a tall, masculine, muscle-y person with short blond hair, who was wearing denim booty shorts, brown cowboy boots, and a white vest, and the other, a tattooed, feminine, curvy person with long black hair, who was covered in silver glitter, wearing a black tank top and black tear-away jeans, with six-inch tall red pump heels. Tonks was watching the third dancer, a thin, tall man with brown hair wearing a brown peasant-style shirt, patched grey trousers, a yellow flower crown, and no shoes. My eyes kept returning to the fourth dancer, even though I tried to keep watching everyone. This person was wearing a black mask that looked like the crow masks doctors wore during the Black Plague, a beaded red top that looked like a cross between a vest and a camisole, and a long black skirt. They had on red Converse sneakers and their hair was tied up in a large bow on top of their head.

Tonks wasn’t lying when she said no two performers here were alike.

As the beat of the music increased, the dancers started to incorporate the poles into their routines, performing stunts and moves that showed off just how strong they were. One of the dancers did the traditional flag pole move, earning applause and shouts from the audience. Another flipped completely upside down, using only their legs to keep themselve anchored on the pole. There was so much movement that I had trouble keeping track of everything.

The music slowed down slightly and the dancers started taking off their clothing. I hadn’t realized until this point that the outfits that I had initially seen were only clothes on top of other, smaller, clothes. Layer after layer came off until each performer was in a different state of undress.

Now came the time when people sitting close to the individual dancer tipped and requested a one-on-one dance.

I was still trying to focus on all of the dancers while drinking my beer when Sirius, who had moved his chair closer to me without me noticing, whispered, “You’re fucking gorgeous” into my ear.

I jumped at the sudden noise, earning a laugh from Sirius, and a glare from Tonks for interrupting her concentration on her favorite dancer. 

“You’re drunk,” I replied, turning to face Sirius.

“I am,” he agreed with a nod. “But that doesn’t change my opinion on your looks!”

I smiled and replied, “You’re the only person who could go to a strip club and focus on someone who's not half-naked on stage.”

“I’m just waiting for the magic act that’s supposed to happen between the dances,” Sirius said with a laugh.

After a few more minutes of drinking and watching the dancers, the music stopped and the curtains rose from the back of the stage. By this point, the performers had moved around the crowd and given those who had requested individual dancers their turn, but had not made their way back to where we were sitting.

Next came the cheesiest magic act I had ever seen, complete with the pretend sawing your partner in half routine, and finishing up with pulling an obviously fake rabbit out of a hat. 

I looked over at Sirius and he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself, amused by just how cheesy the act really was.

We stayed and watched some more dancers, and one more magic act, before we headed back to Tonks’s place for the night.

On the ride home, I was pleasantly buzzed, Sirius was off-his-ass drunk, and Tonks was rambling on about her favorite dancers.

Today was definitely one of the most interesting days I had ever had and it was nice to be able to share it with Sirius and Tonks. Once again, I fell asleep wondering if things would continue to go so well, and I desperately hoped that they would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	26. The Best Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus starts the county-wide GSA and they hold a Pride Prom. Remus brings Sirius as his date, unaware of the surprise Sirius has planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited about this chapter!

“The first few weeks of the GSA have been going really well,” I explained to Sirius over dinner. “It was kind of hard to set up the logistics of it, since it’s county-wide, but I think it has worked out okay so far. The students who were comfortable asking their parents to sign a club permission slip did that, and they can now go from school to school. The kids who didn’t feel comfortable asking their parents to do that, which were about a third of the students, stay at their original school while the other students come to see them. I think some of the kids who go from school-to-school may have lied about the nature of the permission slip to get their parents to sign it, but that’s not for me to judge. This way everyone gets to be a part of a larger network of students in a county-wide Gender and Sexuality Alliance, so it’s more likely that students will be able to connect with someone similar to themselves.”

“I’m glad you went through with it,” Sirius agreed with a smile. “I think your former students that we saw at the hookah bar would be proud.”

I nodded and added, “Two of them helped me out a lot. They participate in the carpools to help drive the students to different schools, and they helped spread the contact information of the club to the students who needed it. They also are helping me organize our event at the end of the month.”

“You’re already having an event and the club just started?” Sirius asked. “I don’t remember clubs being that proactive when I was in school.”

“Were you even in any clubs?” I joked.

“I was in the rock music appreciation club!” Sirius replied. “And I was in the _we never come to school because we have issues at home so we didn’t bother to sign up for actual clubs_ club.”

“I see,” I said with a laugh. “I was in the chess club and we didn’t do any sort of events or anything like that. We brought in snacks and played chess and it was a lot of fun.”

“So what is your big event?” prompted Sirius.

“A Pride Prom,” I explained, excited. “The students wanted to do it at the beginning of the year as a way for everyone to introduce themselves to each other and get to know one another in a fun environment, and so it won’t interfere with their regular prom, so they can go to both if they want to.”

“How are you going to get the kids who couldn’t get the permission slip signed to go to that event?” wondered Sirius.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “But there’s not a whole lot I can do about that from a moral and legal standpoint. I can’t encourage the students to lie to their parents, but at the same time, I won’t be disappointed with them if they do lie so they can go to the Pride Prom.”

“You always look at things rationally,” Sirius said with a grin.

“So you think it’s a good idea?” I asked.

Sirius nodded.

“Then, would you like to come as my date?” I asked, way too nervous about asking someone who was already my boyfriend to a dance that wasn’t nearly as important to me as it was to the students.

“Of course!” Sirius replied, excited. “I was hoping I would get to come!”

I pointed out, “But you just found out about it?”

“I know,” said Sirius. “But I’ve been excited about it since I found out!”

“Did you even go to your own prom?” I asked, cringing as I remembered my senior prom.

“I did,” Sirius replied with a laugh. “I went with a group of guys and we all snuck in alcohol and got way too drunk and got kicked out and grounded.”

“Of course you did, you rebel,” I responded, picturing a young, drunk Sirius. “Although that’s better than mine. I went with a girl and we were the only lesbian couple there and it was really awkward.”

“Thinking of you as a lesbian is kinda weird,” Sirius admitted.

I nodded in agreement. “You’re telling me! Especially now that I’m starting to get some facial hair coming in, thanks to the testosterone shots.”

“I like your peach fuzz,” Sirius said, rubbing his hand along my jaw. “It’s cute.”

“One day it’ll be manly, not cute,” I retorted.

“But for now, you’ll have to settle with being my cute date to your Pride Prom!”

*****

“I feel silly,” I admitted to Sirius as we walked into the banquet hall to help the students finish setting up for the Pride Prom.

“Why?” he asked, cocking his head in my direction.

“I don’t wear clothes like this often,” I said. “Well, ever.”

I was initially going to wear a traditional black and white tuxedo, but Sirius convinced me otherwise. Instead, I wore a dark blue suit jacket and pants with a black button down shirt and a red tie. Sirius wore a similar suit in opposite colors, making it more flashy: a deep red suit jacket and pants with a black button down and a blue tie. It let us match as a couple, but not follow the traditional couple dress codes that a lot of people followed for events like this. Sirius justified it by pointing out that by dressing out of my comfort zone, I was demonstrating to the students that this was a safe place to dress how they wanted and express their identity in their own way.

He was right, of course, but I was still slightly uncomfortable. Sirius seemed quite at home in his bright suit, though.

The students, especially the ones in grade 12, we're adamant about setting up the prom on their own. They did research online about how to best organize the space and took a poll from the students about what they wanted to see at the Pride Prom. As a result, students from all high school grades were allowed to come, and they could wear whatever they wanted, as long as it covered what it needed to.

The results were amazing. Sirius and I walked in and were greeted by a few volunteer parents at a sign in table. There were no tickets for this event because we wanted to make it affordable for everyone. Instead, we used money from my school's club fund to buy decorations, and were planning on having a bake sale later to raise money and pay back into the fund.

“Thank you two for volunteering to help,” I said to the parents, shaking their hands. “I’m Remus Lupin, the GSA adviser, and some of these student’s teacher.”

“Nice to meet you,” one of the parents said. “My kid absolutely loves your class and is excited that you're able to provide this opportunity for them.”

“I'm glad as well, and we can't have done it without your help, so thank you,” I replied.

Sirius squeezed my hand and we headed into the main room.

We both audibly gasped as we saw all of the decorations. It was clear that the students worked hard on the space. Columns of different colored balloons were tied together to make rainbow arches. Streamers in all different colors, representing the flags of different identities, hung from the ceiling. Tables and shelves were stacked in the back of the room, providing a space for students to place their belongings. Next to that space was a makeshift voting booth, complete with official-looking ballets so students could vote. In the interest of inclusion, they had votes like superlatives, instead of traditional Prom King/Queen. This included Best Prom Couple, Best Prom Friends, Best Dressed, Best Hair, Flashiest Jewelry, and other similar categories. 

“Mr. Lupin!” a chorus of students said as they made their way toward me. “How does the place look?”

“It looks awesome,” I said honestly. “You all did a wonderful job.”

We chatted for a few minutes about how they set everything up before one student asked, “So who's your friend?”

“This is Sirius,” I said as he reached out for a handshake. “He's my boyfriend.”

“I knew you had a boyfriend!” another student exclaimed. “Jeremy owes me five dollars.”

“You had bets on my relationship status?” I asked with amusement. 

“Well, you don't really talk about anyone,” they explained. “But you’re open about your support for all students and their identities. So we were curious.”

“Well, you were right” I said with a smile. “Sirius is wonderful and we've been together for a little while.”

“And I picked out our outfits!” Sirius said proudly.

The students giggled and dispersed, ready to dance with their friends as the DJ started the music.

The night progressed without any incident. For the first half of the dance the students voted for the prom superlatives so they could be tallied by the end of the night. A few students tried, and failed, to get me to dance, but laughed when Sirius joined them. All-in-all, it seemed like everyone was having a great time.

At the end of the dance, everybody was excited for the announcements. A lot of these kids wouldn’t have a shot at winning a traditional Prom King/Queen award at their home schools, and this provided them with a chance to win something unique and more important to their true identity. Two of the students announced the names of each winner and everyone was rewarded with a lot of applause as the winners were presented with an over-sized pin and a gaudy plastic crown.

“We’d like to thank all of the parents and graduated students who also volunteered so we could have this dance,” the student announcer was saying. “And most importantly, we would like to thank Mr. Lupin for helping us not only with this event, but with building a safe community for all of us at our schools.”

My cheeks flushed red at their acknowledgement and Sirius pushed me forward with a smile, refusing to allow me to to simply wave an acknowledgement and hide in the crowd.

I walked up onto the small DJ platform and shook hands with the students as they gave me a pin and a small plaque.

I looked out into the room to meet Sirius’s eyes, wanting to use him to ground my nerves, but suddenly I couldn't find him in the crowd.

“In addition to us wanting to thank you,” one of the students was saying, “we also wanted to be part of a surprise.”

I froze. I didn't like surprises.

I laughed nervously as they handed me a microphone, and then my breathing stopped as I saw Sirius come up on the DJ platform with us, holding his own microphone.

“So, I’ve wanted to do this for a while but I wanted to wait for a special moment,” Sirius started. “And I thought sharing this with the students who mean so much to you, and who obviously respect and care about you, would be the perfect time." He paused and took a deep breath. "All of us here are proof that love conquers anything we may have to face. We prove that being ourselves is more important than anything the world can throw at us. And I want to face everything the world can throw at us with you, Remus, forever.”

I was still holding my breath as Sirius got down on one knee and opened a small box.

“Remus Lupin, “ Sirius said with a blush in his cheeks from the raw emotion of the moment. “Will you marry me?”

It took all of my self control not to burst into tears.

“Of course I will!” I said quickly and loudly, forgetting that everyone could hear me since I was holding a microphone. “Yes, definitely yes!”

Sirius rose and slipped the ring on my finger as the entire convention hall erupted in cheers and applause.

If I had thought about this in advance, I would have thought getting engaged in front of students would be awkward and weird. But it was so perfect. I loved teaching and I loved that we could be an example of love and trust to these students. But most of all, I loved Sirius.

I kissed Sirius softly as the cheers grew even louder.

As the night ended and everyone left the convention hall, many of the students stopped to congratulate me. I just nodded in thanks, too happy to form coherent sentences.

Sirius was officially my fiancé, and I felt so loved that I thought my heart would explode. It was, hands down, the best feeling I have ever experienced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	27. Halloween Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and Remus and Sirius have take Minerva and Snuffles to the vet before donning the costumes that Sirius has picked out for them.  
> Halloween-themed shenanigans are in the second half of the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halloween is my favorite holiday :)

“So, should we do a couple's costume since we are fiances now?” Sirius asked me with a mischievous grin in his eyes.

“I've always just worn an orange and black button down for Halloween,” I admitted. “I haven't properly dressed up since I was little.”

“Then we should definitely do a couple's costume!” Sirius said, excited. “Do you want to do something silly, like peanut butter and jelly, or something great, like a pickle and a deer?”

I rubbed my forehead and sighed, “Why do I think there's more to the pickle and deer thing then you're saying?”

“Because it's a dildo! Get it...a dill pickle, and a female doe deer,” Sirius said, unable to hold back his laugh. "Put it together and you get a dill-doe. A dildo!"

I wanted to chastise his idea, but I couldn't help it and laughed at it too.

“Well, we have to take the animals to the vet that day, so probably something that is appropriate in a public situation would be better,” I rationalized. “Especially now that I’m back to teaching and could potentially run into parents of some of the kids that I teach.”

“Ooo, we should dress the animals up, too!” Sirius said with a broad grin. “I have a small witches hat that I used to put on Snuffles when he was a puppy. We could put that on Minerva.”

“She's a cat! She'll kill us!” I warned.

“Not if Snuffles is dressed up all goofy too,” Sirius said, his mind already set. “I have a unicorn horn he could wear! It'll be great. And that way the vet can still get to everything they need to, or else I would suggest dressing him up in a large pumpkin costume that I have for him. But that would get in the way.”

“So, if we have a witch and a unicorn as pets, what should be be?” I asked, hoping that would lead towards a safer costume than the pickle-deer idea.

“We could be boring and be wizards,” Sirius suggested with a pout. “Or, we could be something fun! Like Oreos! We can each wear white and make a big cookie that we wear on our backs, and then when we hug we would be a double stuffed Oreo!”

“Okay, that is cute,” I admitted. “But you have to make the cookies.”

“Deal!”

****

“I'm glad we decided to wait until we get home to wear the costumes,” I told Sirius as we were sitting in the veterinary office's waiting room.

Snuffles was wearing the unicorn horn that hooked under his chin, which he didn’t seem to mind at all since it didn’t interfere with his sleeping on the waiting room floor.

Sirius had tried to get the witch's hat on Minerva and it had not ended well. As a result, Minerva was not wearing any Halloween costume, and Sirius had bandages all over his arms because of Minerva’s claws. 

While we weren’t in full costume yet, Sirius and I were still in the Halloween spirit. Sirius had on a black t-shirt that showed a ghost coming out of a Jack-O-Lantern with “BOO” written on it in bright yellow letters and I had on my black button-down with small orange pin stripes.

Everyone at the vet clinic was wearing Halloween-themed scrub tops, but nobody was in full costume, so I was glad we decided not to wear ours just yet.

“I'm surprised that your cat is just sitting on your lap!” the tech said as she came over to us.

Sirius showed her his arms and commented, “She was not having any of our attempts to put her in a carrier after I tried to put her in a costume, so she is sitting on his lap because of that victory.”

The vet tech nodded with a laugh and pointed out, “Your dog doesn't seem to mind being in costume!”

Snuffles wagged his tail happily at being included in the conversation, lifting his ears to try to get head scratches from anyone who walked by. 

“I don't think we have him in our files,” she said, flipping through a manila folder.

I shook my head and explained, “He's new to this clinic. Sirius has all of his records printed out and all that good stuff, so he just needs his yearly shots, same as Minerva.”

She looked between the two of us, understanding that we were together and bringing our animals here as a family.

“I'll take them both in the back then,” she said, as Minerva easily allowed herself to be scooped up and carried away. Snuffles followed obediently on his leash, seemingly at ease with being at the new vet office. 

“You're more nervous than he is,” I said to Sirius, squeezing his hand lightly. “He'll be fine, and everyone is really nice here.”

“I know,” Sirius said quickly. “I just can't imagine the idea of something being wrong with him, or him getting sick, but I know that'll happen eventually.”

“Or, he could be like you and be extremely resilient and stubborn,” I pointed out.

Sirius nodded and we waited, filling the silence with small talk.

The veterinarian came out and said, “They're both all set to go. Everything seems normal, and they're now up-to-date on all of their shots.”

“Thank you,” I said, shaking her hand, and holding onto Minerva, who seemed as aloof and slightly agitated as normal.

“Snuffles!” Sirius bent down and greeted the large dog as he came running out from the back room with a tech chasing behind him, trying in vain to grab his leash.

“He does not like being away from you!” the tech said with a smile. “But he was very good for his shots, and even gave us kisses when we were done.”

Sirius patted Snuffles on the head proudly as he took the leash.

“Have a good Halloween!”

****

“These Oreo costumes aren't the most comfortable things in the world,” I complained to Sirius as we waited for Trick-or-Treaters to come to the door.

“But together we're a double stuffed Oreo!” exclaimed Sirius excitedly as he tried to give me a hug in his own equally awkward Oreo costume. 

I smiled at his exuberance and filled up the candy bowl.

Since we lived in a town house, we usually got a lot of kids coming by for candy and I was interested to see if any of them would say anything about our costumes or if they would think we were just funky colored turtles.

As if on cue, Snuffles bounded up to the door as the first group of kids arrived and rang the doorbell.

Sirius was quick to answer the door. “Look at you all!” he said with a grin. “A ghost, Wonder Woman, and Spider Man!”

The kids giggled as he handed them candy.

He greeted each group with equal enthusiasm, fawning over their costumes and admiring how much candy they had already gotten.

I just stood back and smiled, watching Sirius enjoy himself.

“I never got any Trick-or-Treaters at my old place,” Sirius said during a lull in kids. “This is fun!”

“Do you like kids?” I asked.

Sirius explained, “They're great for short periods of time, and I don't mind watching them every now and then, but I don't want them full time.”

I nodded in agreement.

“I love teaching the older kids, but I don't really know what to do with the young kids,” I explained. “But you're great with them.”

A brief shadow passed over his face as Sirius explained, “They're just looking for someone to appreciate them and their ideas, and I know how much it sucks when kids don't get that at home.”

I rubbed his arm in comfort.

“You're wonderful,” I assured him.

“I know!” he agreed, the smile returning to his face as more kids showed up at the door.

The night went by quickly as the waves of Trick-or-Treaters increased and our supply of candy thinned out.

By the time the kids had stopped coming, we were eating through the rest of the candy, picking our favorite pieces out of what was left over from the kids. 

“You taste like chocolate!” I said happily as Sirius gave me a quick kiss.

“Good thing it’s your favorite food then,” Sirius said with a smirk. “And a good thing that I remembered to eat it after I ate licorice!”

I made a face. “Licorice is disgusting.”

“Which is why I ate chocolate afterwards, because I love you!”

“I love you too,” I said grabbing a Hershey kiss and popping it into my mouth.

“Good thing I like chocolate too,” Sirius said, stepping close to me and putting his hands on my chest.

“I'm taking off this Oreo costume,” I said, frustrated at its awkwardness and the fact that it got in the way of me properly hugging Sirius.

“But it makes me want to eat you right up!” Sirius laughed, shrugging out of the Oreo cookie part of the costume.

“Har, har,” I replied with a small smile.

We both stood in the living room looking odd in our all white clothes, now that we didn't have the giant cookie attached to ourselves. 

“I'm not kidding,” Sirius said, his voice dropping low.

“How are you in a mood after being so perky all night?” I asked with a laugh.

Sirius blushed slightly and replied, “It started when I noticed you eating a tootsie rolls, and continued as you ate more chocolate. You don't do it on purpose, but the way you gently put candy in your mouth and make a face like it is the best thing is the world is sexy as fuck.”

I snorted, not quite believing that I was capable of eating attractively.

“Watching a cookie eat candy is cannibalism, not attractive,” I goaded.

“And now we’re both dressed back as people, so we can continue the cannibalism!” Sirius grinned. “Honestly, you make it too easy for me to make these jokes sometimes.”

We smiled at each other, enjoying the bliss of the moment before Sirius suddenly said, “I have a wonderful Halloween-themed idea! But I'm not going to show you until you ditch your clothes and hop into bed.”

I raised my eyebrows at Sirius, intrigued, but with a healthy level of concern, which I felt he had earned.

“Please, Remus?” Sirius asked with an exaggerated pout. “I'll make it worth your while, I promise!”

“Alright,” I agreed. “But don't do anything too weird.”

“I make no promises with the weirdness.” Sirius chirped as I headed into the bedroom and he retreated to the kitchen.

I went into the bedroom and took off the tight white spandex pants that were part of the Oreo costume, nearly tripping over them as the elastic proved challenging to step out of.

I paused as I heard Sirius rustling around in the kitchen, but couldn't quite make out what he was doing. 

He came into the room with his hands behind his back, and started laughing as I was sprawled on the floor, stuck in my leggings.

Sirius put down the containers he was holding and leaned over me, smirking as he pulled off my boxers and took the previously stuck pants with them.

“On the floor works too, even if I wanted you on the bed,” he said. “This is easier to clean up I guess!”

I grunted and leaned up to try to pull out of the matching spandex top.

“Sirius, help me,” I whined as I my arms got stuck in the neck hole. “This is why I wear clothes with buttons on them!”

Sirius laughed, but took pity on me and helped pull the shirt off of me, “So you've gotten stuck in clothes before?”

I huffed again, my silence answering his question. 

Sirius pulled his own white spandex shirt over his head, much more gracefully than I had, and declared, “I'm keeping the pants on! They make my legs look shapely.”

"You do have shapely legs,” I agreed with a grin, sitting up on my elbows to look at a shirtless Sirius. I had seen his chest hundreds of times, and still loved to look at it. On anyone else, the tattoos and barbells might seem too much, but they fit Sirius and his personality perfectly. 

Sirius flashed me a lopsided grin and said, “I'm glad you're enjoying the view, because I plan on enjoying the taste!”

He grabbed the two containers he had brought in from the kitchen.

“Whipped cream and chocolate sauce?” I asked, once again raising my eyebrows at Sirius. “I guess the chocolate is Halloween-themed.”

“I like whipped cream,” Sirius explained with a shrug.

He, once again with much less of a struggle than I had, stripped out of his pants with the explanation of, “I changed my mind. I don't want to get food on the costume if I want to wear it again.” 

“I don’t ever want to wear this again,” I admitted. “It was way more uncomfortable than I expected.”

“Well, I prefer you naked anyway, so it works out well for both of us!” Sirius replied.

Sirius grinned widely and flicked open the bottle of chocolate with his thumb as he eyed my stomach hungrily.

Whatever issues I had with my body seemed to melt away when Sirius looked at me this way, as if his lust and appreciation transferred just enough positivity to me so I felt okay lying on the floor naked, exposed but not embarrassed.

Sirius squeezed the bottle, slowly dripping chocolate onto my chest, stomach, and hips, biting his lower lip as he watched the pattern of chocolate swirls move up and down as I breathed.

“I was going to draw a dick on your stomach, but I thought that would be rude,” Sirius admitted when he was done.

I started to laugh, but it was cut off as Sirius settled between my legs, sitting on his knees, and licked the chocolate lines with long swipes of his tongue. 

He nipped my hip, biting just hard enough to send the pleasure of pain through my body, before soothing the skin with kisses. He moved around my upper body, kissing and licking everywhere the chocolate had landed. Sirius took one of my nipples into his mouth and rolled it between his teeth, causing me to moan involuntarily as he chased the chocolate around my skin.

“Sirius,” I said, my voice low from the teasing. “Where do you plan on going with this?”

“You'll see!” he replied as he sat back on his heels, his tongue darting out to lick a stray bead of chocolate from the corner of his mouth.

Sirius leaned down and kissed me, his lips swollen from the kisses he had placed all over my torso. 

I anchored my hand in his hair and pushed my forearm against the back of his neck, determine to keep Sirius and his wonderfully chocolate kisses from moving away from me.

He responded by biting my lower lip and sucking it into his mouth.

“Sirius,” I said, my voice nothing more than a moan. “I want you.”

I felt his lips grin against mine, and as he pulled his face away I latched my lips onto his jaw, sucking off a spot of chocolate that was stuck in his stubble.

“I'm not done tasting you yet,” Sirius growled, pulling himself away from me. 

He kissed back down my body, moving quicker over my chest and stomach than he had before. He paused when he got to my hips, grabbing the whipped cream can and spraying it on my thighs and between my legs.

“That is not a sexy noise,” I said as the can expelled air with the cream, making its trademark hissing sound.

We both dissolved into giggles for a few minutes, before Sirius resumed his position of kneeling between my legs. He started to lick the whipped cream from my thigh, but rolled over my leg and off to the side as he tried to breathe around his mouthful of whipped cream.

“That is a lot harder to lick off than the chocolate!” Sirius huffed as he was able to breathe again. “It sticks to the back of my throat and takes way too long to swallow.”

We rolled around on the floor, laughing hard, for a few minutes. Between laughing and moving, I managed to get most of the whipped cream off of my body and onto the carpet and I groaned and got up to clean it off.

“Not yet,” Sirius said, steadying his breathing between laughs. "I'm good now that I can breathe again." 

His eyes grew dark again as he looked me up and down, smiling at the little remains of chocolate and whipped cream that stuck to my body.

He stared at me for a long moment, much longer than normal, and I felt my skin heat under his gaze. Seeing his body react in a way that clearly showed that he wanted me took away any embarrassment I could have felt. I couldn't do anything but stare back at Sirius for a moment. 

Wordlessly, Sirius crawled over to me and pushed me down on my back, pinning my shoulders to the ground. He kissed the side of my neck, sucking a bruise into my pulse point as he ground his hips against my thigh before he moved down my body to kiss my chest and hips.

I pushed my hips up towards Sirius, trying to beg him with my body to kiss me where I needed it.

In response, Sirius smiled against my mound, gripping my hips with his hands so I couldn't continue to thrust up towards him and try to get some sort of relief from my frustration.

“Sirius,” I warned with a hiss.

“What?” he asked, feigning innocence as his breath brushed warm against my entrance. 

He slid his middle finger down the bit of hair I had there, moving tantalizingly slow, before he put pressure on my clit. 

“Sirius, I’m too far on testosterone this time around for you to tease me…” I huffed, wound up just from his simple touch after he spent so long teasing me.

He grinned up at me before bowing his head down to suck my enlarged clit into his mouth, sucking softly. 

“Mmmm,” I hummed, trying to buck my hips against his hands.

He pushed back firmly, pinning me against the floor with his left hand and forearm before teasing my folds with his right hand.

Sirius slipped one finger below my clit and pushed into me, finding no resistance.

“Fuck, Sirius,” I groaned, trying to grind down since he held me in place to prevent me from pushing up against him.

Sirius responded by slipping a second finger in me as I pushed down, catching me by surprise.

I moaned again, flexing my muscles inside to try to urge him to speed up, needing my release soon.

“I could put you out of your misery,” Sirius hummed as he sucked my clit back into his mouth.

“I'm so sensitive now,” I noted, unable to hold back a breathy laugh as Sirius licked the responsive tip of my clit.

He hummed in agreement, sending the vibrations deep into my core.

Sirius flexed his two fingers, pulling them up toward him as he quickly flicked his tongue in circles on my clit.

He moved his hand and arm from my stomach and hip, using it to grab my ass and grip the cheek hard, digging his fingernails into the flesh as he pulled me even closer.

My hands reflexively reached down to grab at something, anything, to try to anchor myself in my pleasure, and I twined my hands through Sirius’s hair and used it to as leverage to keep his face against me.

After a few minutes of his repetitive movements, I felt the tingle in my belly grow more intense.

“I'm going to cum,” I said breathily, my hips jerking into him involuntarily.

“Yes, cum for me, Remus,” Sirius whispered against my clit, the vibrations forcing me over the edge.

My hips bucked between his face and the floor as my orgasm spasmed through me. I flailed my arms to the side, trying in vain to grip the carpet to keep myself in place.

Sirius kept pulsing his fingers as I writhed on the floor beneath him. 

After a few more seconds, my shaking subsided and Sirius slid his fingers out of me and moved up over me, holding his weight on one arm that he anchored on the floor by my shoulder.

“I told you I wanted to taste you,” Sirius said as he looked me in the eyes and sucked the fingers that had been inside of me into his mouth.

“I'm glad you did,” I replied, watching Sirius sucking on his fingers, hoping to burn that image into my mind forever.

He smiled and put his hand on the ground above my other shoulder, effectively pinning me beneath him as he kissed me.

It was a weird sensation to taste myself on his mouth as Sirius kissed me, but definitely something I liked.

As Sirius slipped his tongue into my mouth, I grabbed his tongue with my lips and sucked on it softly.

“Fuck,” he groaned, rutting against me. 

I could feel the wet spot on his briefs as he ground against me and wiggled out from under him, pushing Sirius down on the floor.

“Let me do something about that,” I said, my voice low with want. 

Giving Sirius pleasure was one of my favorite things to do. I loved making him feel good and hearing his moans, and took pride in knowing that I got those noises out of him.

“Remus,” Sirius started, “We-"

“I'll use a condom, okay?” I asked, wanting Sirius to know that we could do this effectively, and safely.

Sirius nodded and watched as I got up, still sticky from chocolate and whipped cream and sweat, and grabbed a condom from the dresser.

I picked up a pillow on the way back and tucked it under Sirius’s head as I kneeled next to his waist.

I rolled the condom on him and tilted my head, thinking as I absent-mindedly stroked him.

“I'm debating on if I should tease you like you did to me, or see how quickly I can make you cum,” I voiced out loud.

“Remus,” Sirius started, his voice strained. “Watching you cum has me all worked up...I’m not going to last long.”

“Good,” I answered, making up my mind.

I bent down and licked up the underside of his length, using more pressure than I may have needed to use because I knew the condom would dampen the feeling a bit.

“Fuck,” Sirius whispered again, his eyes closed as he pushed his head back on the pillow.

I took his response as a good sign and repeated my motion, adding my hand. I squeezed around his base as I moved my hand up and down quickly, watching the rise and fall of his chest intensify. 

I pushed my tongue against his sensitive head, continuing to stroke him.

Sirius moaned, long and low, rumbling in his chest. After a few more passes down his length, Sirius came hard, and I felt the warmth of the liquid filling the tip of the condom as I sucked all of him into my mouth, causing him to moan again as his hips jerked. 

When Sirius stopped shaking, I kissed his hips and moved up his chest, sucking bruises into his skin as I went. 

“Holy fuck you feel good,” Sirius said with a sigh as he took off the condom, tied it off, and tossed it toward the trashcan.

“So do you,” I agreed. “But now I'm sticky.”

“Give me a few minutes and I'll help you clean off in the shower, Sirius said with an exaggerated wag of his eyebrows.

“I look forward to it,” I replied with a laugh as I settled down next to him on the floor. “But for now, I'm going to get my stickiness on you.”

Sirius put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me against him, “I like you sticky.”

He kissed my temple and we decided the shower could wait. Cuddling, even while sticky and on the floor, was one of the best feelings I had ever experienced. I was cozy and happy and in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	28. A Birthday Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick, cute chapter where Sirius gets everything he deserves for his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about motorcycles other than what Google has told me, so if I said anything silly when describing the bike, please let me know :)

“You look good, Snuffles,” I said to the big dog as I straightened a party hat on his head.

The purple cone with yellow spots sat lopsided on his head, tipping over towards his left ear, and was tied snugly under his jaw.

Snuffles wagged his tail happily at the compliment, even though he wasn't sure why he was wearing the hat, before he pawed at the string on it with his foot. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to get the hat off because it was uncomfortable, or if he was just having fun playing with the string. He seemed content, so I left it on his head.

Minerva glared at me from her perch on top of a tall cabinet, wedged between the ceiling and a spare bowl we never used, where she was sitting out of the way so I couldn't try to put her in a costume like Sirius had tried to do for Halloween a few days ago. I warned him that she wouldn’t allow it and, in true cat fashion, she not only clawed up his arms, but seemed to be holding a grudge against everybody for allowing him to attempt to dress her up. Sirius was convinced that he was doomed to be hated by her for her whole life, but I had faith that she would come around and like him again one day. But today was clearly not that day. 

I tried to straighten the hat on the dog’s large head again, but it tilted even further as Snuffles turned his head at the noise of the key in the lock, so I got up from where I was sitting with him and snapped on my own party hat, a purple cone with yellow spots to match the one that Snuffles wore. 

I felt silly, and the elastic was uncomfortable, but it was worth it to see the grin that spread on Sirius’s face as he entered the townhouse. From the little bits and pieces Sirius had told me about his past, I had assumed that he never got the birthday reception that he deserved and while my anxiety prevented me from going all-out on a party, I figured I could at least do a little bit at the house to show him how much he was loved.

“Happy Birthday!” I exclaimed to Sirius as Snuffles barked at him in greeting.

Snuffles wagged his tail and jumped up, placing his big paws on Sirius’s chest, quickly knocking off the party hat that I had spent quite a while trying to straighten on his head.

“Thank you!” Sirius beamed, patting the dog with one hand and pulling me into a one-armed hug with the other.

“The guys at work put a bow on a pack of cigarettes and tossed me a candy bar,” Sirius said with a grin. “It was great.”

“Typical guys,” I joked, glad they remembered to do something, even though Sirius was the new guy. 

“I got you something, too,” I noted. “It’s hopefully a little more personal than what work got you.”

Sirius bounced with anticipation as I pointed to the counter where his present lay. It wasn’t a fancy present, but I had been happy with what I had put together.

Sirius picked up the present and laughed at the paper. “Look, the wrapping paper has little dogs wearing gift bows on it! That’s great.”

After staring at the paper for another moment, he tore into the present, too excited to decide if he wanted to save the paper or rip it up. 

The thin frame seemed even smaller once he picked it up, but the look on Sirius’s face let me know immediately that he liked the gift as much as I had hoped he would.

I was not an artsy person by any stretch of the imagination, but I tried to be artsy enough where the gift was aesthetically pleasing, even though it was meant to be more sentimental than anything else. A thin black frame held pictures of Sirius and I, a picture of our engagement rings, pictures of Snuffles and Minerva, and a picture of our townhouse all situated on a metallic silver background. Everything was labeled with names and significant dates. I figured we had been together and reached enough milestones as a couple where it was time for a sickenly cute gift.

“Its our little family!” Sirius exclaimed, his eyes bright. “I love it, thank you!”

“I'm glad you like it,” I said as I squeezed him tight. “I love you.”

 

*****

After ordering pizza for dinner, it was time to dig into dessert. 

The cake was store bought vanilla, neither of us trusting our baking skills, and topped with way too much blue icing and large lavender flowers. A black bike that was supposed to look like a motorcycle was drawn on top of the cake by a person who acted like working in the bakery was the end of the world, and I had almost decided to scrape it off, but I’m glad I didn’t since it sparked this conversation:

“So, I was thinking now that I have a steady, decent-paying job, I could go ahead and buy myself a motorcycle,” Sirius said as we ate. 

He had cut a piece directly out of the middle of the cake so he could eat as much of the bike as possible, while I opted for one of the corner flowers.

“You should!” I agreed. “You've worked hard and definitely deserve it.”

Sirius nodded and admitted, “It would be weird to spend that much money on myself…”

“I would offer to get it for you as an actual birthday present that wasn’t just something I made, but I wouldn't know what to get,” I explained.

Sirius shook his head violently. “No,” he said. “I would feel so bad that you spent that much money on me, and I already really like the pictures you gave me.”

I thought for a long minute, debating on how forward I wanted to be. Sirius didn't want much, and I knew he wouldn’t have even brought the bike up if it wasn’t something he had thought about for a long time. 

“So,” I started, turning on the stool to face Sirius and rubbing my hand on the inseam of his jeans as I talked. “Tomorrow I'm going to go look for a bike to buy. You could let me hopelessly wander around for hours and hours and get conned out of money because I clearly don't know what I'm doing, or you could save me all that trouble and come with me.”

Sirius frowned, so I continued. 

“We have the money in savings, so if you want to buy a bike flat-out it will be a better deal, and then we can replenish our savings a little bit each month, sort of the opposite of buying the motorcycle on a monthly plan,” I suggested. “It would save us on interest and let you buy a specific motorcycle from a private dealer instead of having to buy a standard one from a mainstream shop.”

Sirius was silent for a moment as he thought. Sometimes it was hard arguing with me when I over-rationalized everything.

Suddenly he grinned widely and simply responded, “I love you,” before leaning close to give me a quick kiss. “Of course I'll go with you tomorrow.” He smiled and continued, his voice laced with amusement, “It would be irresponsible of me, as a motorcycle mechanic, to let you try to buy a bike without me.”

“Good, but don't wake me up to go before noon.”

*****

“A 1959 Triumph Bonneville T120,” Sirius exclaimed, pointing to a large black motorcycle. “649 cc parallel-twin engine, 6700 rpm of power, with a 4 speed transmission.”

“Sounds fancy,” I replied, the numbers not meaning much of anything to me.

“Fucking fabulous,” Sirius confirmed, smiling brightly.

Sirius continued talking to the guy who was selling the motorcycle for another half hour. I stood by half-listening, but not really following much of what was going on. All I knew was that it was a large black motorcycle that was exactly what Sirius wanted and it would make me nervous to see him on it, but he was excited enough about it where I kept my nerves on the backburner and trusted his skill as a rider.

Eventually, the conversation died down and Sirius handed over the money in exchange for the keys. 

“I’ll follow you home,” he directed towards me as he was ready to go, “or else I’ll be tempted to see just how fast I can go and I don’t think you’d appreciate that.”

“Not helping my nerves, Sirius,” I grumbled, reluctantly smiling at his excitement. “If you do something stupid and it results in you getting injured, I’m never going to let you out of my sight again.”

“I know you’re only putting up with me getting a motorcycle again because you want to watch me walk around in black leather,” Sirius replied with a smirk.

“You already do that anyway,” I pointed out before getting in the car to head home.

Although I don’t think I’ll ever want to ride on the motorcycle, it was worth my anxiety to see just how comfortable and happy Sirius was on it. It gave him a chance to be alone and give in to the sensation of the wind and the speed and ignore the world for awhile. 

The only flaw in my plan of using the bike as a birthday present in order to convince Sirius to get it meant that in under two months I’d have to find a way to top that for Christmas. It was time to start thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr at: https://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/ if you ever want to chat :) I'm not very active on there right now because of school, but I try to always answer messages.


	29. A Sentimental Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stay-at-home Christmas :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient while I waited until my school semester was over to edit and post this chapter. I absolutely love getting people little meaningful gifts, and I think the boys would feel the same way, so I really enjoyed picking out what gifts they would give each other for this chapter.

“Hey,” Sirius grumbled, waking me up from my sleep with a poke of his cold toes against my calf. “Hey, Remus, wake up for a minute.”

“Hmm?” I groaned in response, not even bothering to open my eyes.

“It’s a little after twelve in the morning, which means it’s officially Christmas,” Sirius explained, excitement evident in his voice even though his tone was gravely from sleep. “Merry Christmas, Remus.”

“Merry Christmas, Sirius,” I replied. “I promise I’ll be happier about the holiday when I wake up in the morning.”

***  
I woke up to a sudden dip in the mattress, as both Sirius and Snuffles joined me in bed. One of them, I’m thinking it was Sirius, had jumped up on me and tried to wake me up earlier, but it didn’t work. My anxiety didn’t let me sleep often, but when I did sleep, I was dead to the world. As a result, it took my sleep-addled brain a few moments to register what Sirius was saying.

“So, I know you don’t like waking up any earlier than you have to, but I can’t wait much longer to give you your presents,” Sirius was saying, bouncing with excitement. “I already drank three cups of coffee and took Snuffles on an extra long walk, trying to wait for you to get up. Clearly that didn’t work. Here,” he handed me a too-full mug as I sat up, “take the tea before I spill it. It has chocolate liqueur in it as a peace offering for waking you up so early.”

“Sirius, you don’t have to worry about waking me up early on Christmas,” I replied, but I took the tea gratefully anyways. “Seeing you this excited is wonderful, even if it means that you talk so fast that I can’t quite keep up.”

After waiting for me to drink my tea as quickly as I could, Sirius grabbed my hand and lead me down the stairs and out into the living room, where we had set up the Christmas tree a few days ago.

Any thought I had about feeling silly being lead by the hand quickly dissipated as I took in the sight before me.

I had put up Christmas trees in the past, but there was something different about having a tree and presents set up to celebrate the holiday with somebody you loved. 

We had to be careful about what decorations we put on the tree, since Minerva liked to knock down anything breakable, and Snuffles liked to eat anything scented like gingerbread or peppermint. So the tree was decorated with an odd assortment of plastic winter-themed decorations and small Christmas toys of all different colors. The only way you could tell that two adults decorated the tree, and it wasn’t done by a small child throwing things at it to see what stuck, was the fact that the white fairy lights were evenly spaced out along the branches and the fact that the rainbow colored star was placed carefully on the top of the tree. We had to move some furniture out of the way and clear the space around the tree to prevent Minerva from using them as launching points and jumping up into the branches that were too small to hold her weight, so the living room only contained the tree, the tv, and the couch where we were sitting to open the presents. Snuffles opted to stay in the bedroom and sleep on the bed while Minerva was startled by the crinkling of the wrapping paper and was hiding above the cabinets in the kitchen. 

“You should open this one first,” Sirius said as he shoved an awkwardly large, circular present into my hands. Pointy parts on the circle poked at the wrapping paper from the inside, threatening to break through where it drew the paper tight between the pieces of tape.

I sat back on the couch and carefully tore into the paper, not sure if what I was holding was breakable or not. My confusion grew as peeling back the wrapper revealed carefully arranged crayons, glued together on a base to form the circle.

“It’s a wreath!” Sirius exclaimed as I finally tore off all of the paper. He blushed slightly as he continued, “I really like the picture collage that you made me for my birthday, and I figured I could try to make you something too. And I’m so proud of you for all that you’re doing with your classroom and your teaching career, so I thought making a wreath out of crayons would be a neat thing you could hang in your classroom if you wanted to. Although, I understand if you don’t want to hang it up, it’s--”

“Sirius,” I cut in, “Of course I’m going to hang this up. It’s great!”

I wasn’t saying that just to appease him, I really did like the wreath. The crayons were arranged in rainbow order on a wooden base, glued in place with hot glue. On top of the crayons were cute generic wooden cutouts: a cat that looked a lot like Minerva, a teapot, a stack of textbooks, and a chalkboard on which Sirius had painted _Mr. Lupin_ in white paint. Those little personal touches on top of the fact that Sirius had made the gift for me himself made this one of my favorite presents ever. In fact, it probably was my absolute favorite present of all time.

“The hot glue melted some bitof the crayons,” Sirius continued, “and some parts of my fingerprints may be permanently gone from burning them with the hot glue, but I think it turned out okay.”

“It turned out wonderfully,” I replied, giving Sirius a one-armed hug as I continued to hold onto the present. “The wooden cutouts are nice personal touches, and I’ll hang it in my classroom so whenever student’s ask, I can tell them my wonderful fiance made it for me. And in less than a year, I can amend that to tell them that my wonderful husband made it for me.”

Sirius smiled and ruffled my hair before reaching under the tree to pull out a small, neatly wrapped box. 

“The other present I got you relates to our wedding,” he explained as he gingerly gave me the gift.

I opened the present, noting that from the outside it was a perfectly normal box, unlike the wreath when it was wrapped. Inside the small box was a beaded bracelet, matching the one I always wore that had the transgender flag colors on its beads. This one, in contrast, was all wooden beads, left in their natural color. They were uniform in size and all but two were round. The two special beads were heart-shaped and one had the letter _S_ carved in it while the other had an _R_ carved in it. In between those beads was a delicate looking metal plate that was engraved with our future wedding date on it, saying _September 3 - Forever _. The letters on it were so small that they were just barely legible.__

__I slipped the bracelet on, lining it up with the other beaded bracelet, unable to find the words to express how much I loved this gift._ _

__Sirius broke the silence and said softly, “I hesitated getting this because I was worried it would be too…” he paused, trying to find the right word, “cheesey? Maybe. Or too optimistic, I guess, to include the “to forever” part.”_ _

__Sirius blushed deeply as I took my eyes away from looking at the bracelet to stare at him._ _

__“Sirius, a few moments ago I would have swore that the wreath you made me was my favorite gift of all time,” I explained, rubbing his knee gently, “and I would have been wrong. While the wreath is a great gift, this bracelet is something I can wear all the time to remind me of you and the forever we are going to share.”_ _

__“You know as well as I do that we won’t have forever,” Sirius grumbled, his excitement from the holiday and nervousness from the presents both replaced by clear self-loathing. “But there was no way to fit _September 3 to As Long as Possible Until Sirius Dies as a Result of His Past Actions_ on the metal bead.”_ _

__“Aren’t I supposed to be the pessimistic one?” I asked with a small smile. “Of course we don’t have forever. No one actually has forever. But I like the sentiment of it, and I plan on being with you for as long as you’ll have me, so I think forever is the perfect word to use.”_ _

__I crossed over to the tree to retrieve a gift that I had for Sirius instead of waiting for his response._ _

__“I think now is the perfect time to give you one of your presents,” I continued, setting the gift bag in his lap._ _

__I waited for Sirius to pull the tissue paper out of the bag and pick up the present, a fuzzy brown teddy bear that was wearing a soft white t-shirt with a red support ribbon on it, before explaining:_ _

__“This isn’t just a normal teddy bear, however great those are. It’s a bear named Dab, although he’s more commonly known as Dab the AIDS Bear. He’s a pretty famous bear, and his creator was one of the first people diagnosed with HIV in the United States. I don’t necessarily agree with all of his philosophical viewpoints, but one of his main goals is empower people who have HIV or AIDS, and to let them know that you can live positively, even while having AIDS or being HIV positive. I know neither of us are particularly positive people, and I know I can’t get you to stop feeling like your HIV is a self-deserved punishment, but I hope that the bear can be a reminder that I’ll love you through everything.”_ _

__Sirius absent-mindedly pet the bear as he replied, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at the situation anyway other than negatively...But I appreciate it a lot, and having a tangible reminder of you and the fact that you stuck with me through everything is wonderful. I never did properly thank you for asking the doctor all of those questions when you went with me, so thank you for that. Not having to face it alone, or remember everything the doctor was saying, is awesome.”_ _

__“Of course. I’ll go with you anytime.” I paused, trying to think of a way to lighten the mood. I meant everything I said about the bear and why I wanted Sirius to have it, but I also didn’t want him to think that I would bring up his diagnosis at every holiday. “I don’t think there’s a good segway to your next gift. It isn’t as meaningful, unfortunately,” I admitted with a laugh. “But I hope you like it all the same.”_ _

__I gave Sirius the last present under the tree, which he unwrapped to reveal a dark blue motorcycle helmet with light blue and gray smoke swirls on it._ _

__“This way I won’t worry quite as much when you ride,” I justified. “Plus, I’m sure there’s sentimental in the fact that there’s smoke in the design and we met at a hookah bar.”_ _

__“You look for meaning in everything, so I’m having trouble believing the smoke design was an accident. You’re not-so-secretly a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?” Sirius asked with a grin._ _

__“Yeah, well, you’re marrying this hopeless romantic in less than a year,” I shot back._ _

__Sirius grinned and pulled me into a tight hug, replying, “I can’t wait.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think (both good and bad)!
> 
> -Lance
> 
> Also, feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you ever want to/need to talk, especially about anything mental health or trans related.
> 
> http://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/


	30. The Start of Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people express their love through words, others through physical actions. Sirius is more comfortable with physical action and feels the need to show Remus how much he loves him, after he's professed his love with words all day. Rough, explicitly consensual, sex ensues after the boys are married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their wedding theme and a few of the elements it included are taken from a wedding I attended between my friend and her wife. It was a beautiful day and I’m thankful that I got to be a part of it, so I pulled some inspiration from that.  
> Officiant’s introduction was taken partially from: https://www.thespruce.com/wedding-ceremony-script-3490169  
> Also, I’m sure in every other aspect of his life, Remus is organized. But I think that the idea of a wedding overwhelmed him enough where his organizational skills went out the window.

Sirius and I figured that a little over a year was more than enough time to plan a wedding. What we didn’t count on was neither of us being able to make any decisions, and in our attempts to combine a bunch of different ideas, we ended up creating even more options which meant we needed to make more decisions. It became a vicious circle. The entire process was arduous, and in retrospect we should have hired a wedding planner. 

Deciding on the theme of the wedding took us more time than any other decision, but it helped us narrow down our choices. Neither of us knew who voiced the idea, or how we finally made the decision, but we eventually picked the galaxy as our theme. With such a broad theme, we could include all sorts of colors from black to purple to blue to anything metallic or shiny, which gave us freedom in decorating, and we had a go-to list of table names thanks to the planets in our solar system. 

We didn’t plan on inviting a lot of people, certainly not enough to fill eight or nine tables (we never did decide if Pluto still counted as a table name, even if it didn’t count as a planet anymore) but our list grew as we realized we knew, and liked, more people than we previously thought. Eventually, we narrowed it down to a small guest list of around thirty people split between five tables: Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. Our wedding party was even smaller: Tonks was the best man for Sirius, and Tom, who I had grown close to over the years of talking to him at the hookah bar and was partially responsible for my relationship with Sirius, was my best man. Although neither of us were particularly religious, a local non-denominational priest would be officiating the wedding. We thought about including Snuffles in the wedding party, dressed up in a doggy tuxedo, but decided it would be better for everyone if the slobbery dog stayed home and kept Minerva company. She probably disagreed with our decision, but the wedding would be nerve wracking enough without having a cat there to judge us. 

The location was the one easy decision for us: Madam Malkin’s. The bar held so many memories for Sirius and I, and was used to catering weddings, so they took charge of the decorations after hearing our theme, and we rented out the place for the afternoon. This meant that they made most of the decisions for us, and we just had to show up on time in our wedding attire. 

Sirius and I kept a few traditional elements, like getting ready separately with our individual best man helping us on the day of the wedding. We bent the rule of not seeing each other in our wedding attire at all before the wedding ceremony, because my fashion sense had not improved, despite Sirius’s best efforts, so Sirius helped me pick out my white tuxedo. It was the same shade of white as his tuxedo, but in a different style that suited me better. Mine had a two button jacket in all white, whereas Sirius’s jacket had one button and black lapels. The fact that I probably looked pretty good in my suit, or very good if you asked Sirius, was my one point of confidence as Sirius and I walked in from seperate doors and headed down the aisle side-by-side toward the priest, accompanied by the traditional wedding march. I had to take a deep breath and focus on not tripping in order to steady my nerves.

Madam Malkin’s had done a wonderful job with the decorations. The wedding altar was bright white and had cobalt blue garland spiraled up it. Behind the officiant, draped along the wall, was a large fabric depicting the solar system up against a dark blue background. The carpeted aisle to the altar was a deep purple, punctuated with silver and white stars and lines illustrating the constellations. The light fixtures had been switched out from the usual bright colored bulbs used in the bar regularly, in favor of soft yellow bulbs underneath of paper sun-shaped light covers. They even gave all of us galaxy patterned bow ties to wear, which became a fun souvenir for everyone.

Once we had settled at the end of the aisle and turned to face each other, the officiant began the ceremony:

“Dear friends,” he said. “We are gathered here today to join Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in matrimony, which is not to be entered into lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and solemnly. They have decided to live their lives together as husbands, and ask you to share this special day with them as they are wed.

“In addition to vows, the couple has decided to read a poem to the one another. Remus, we start with you, reading _I Love You_ by Roy Croft.”

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves again as I took the paper with the poem written on it from the priest. Having this many people paying attention to me in a situation other than the classroom was odd, and I just wanted to be married to Sirius and have the ceremony over with, even though I was sure I would appreciate the ceremony in the future when I looked back on this day. But for now, it was just nerve wracking.

I read,  
“I love you  
Not only for who you are  
But for what I am when I am with you.  
I love you  
Not only for what you have made of yourself  
But for what you are making of me.  
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.  
I love you for putting your hand into my heart  
And passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help.  
Dimly seeing there and drawing out, into the light all the beautiful belongings  
That no one else had looked quite far enough to find.  
You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign.”

My eyes filled with tears without my consent, as the magnitude of the day fully dawned on me and joy overtook my nerves. I picked this poem because it felt right, but now I realized it was because the poem explained my concern about not being able to be loved at all because of my flaws, and it showed just how thankful I was to Sirius for being able to help me, both when I needed it most and in everyday life. 

The officiant paused and smiled at me before stating, “And now Sirius will read _Touched by An Angel_ by Maya Angelou.”

Sirius’s voice was uncharacteristically shaky as he read:  
“We, unaccustomed to courage  
exiles from delight  
live coiled in shells of loneliness  
until love leaves its high holy temple  
and comes into our sight  
to liberate us into life.  
Love arrives  
and in its train come ecstasies  
old memories of pleasure  
ancient histories of pain.  
Yet if we are bold,  
love strikes away the chains of fear  
from our souls.  
We are weaned from our timidity  
In the flush of love's light  
we dare be brave  
And suddenly we see  
that love costs all we are  
and will ever be.  
Yet it is only love  
which sets us free.”

The nontraditional poem fit Sirius, and I made a mental note to ask him to explain its significance later. A few people in the crowd clapped, realizing just how honest those poems were for us, even if we didn’t write them ourselves, and the ceremony continued.

“Please repeat after me: I, Remus, choose you Sirius to be my husband,”

“I, Remus, choose you Sirius to be my husband,”

“To respect you in your successes and in your failure,” 

“To respect you in your successes and in your failure,”

“To care for you in sickness and in health,”

“To care for you in sickness and in health,”

At this line, Sirius’s eyes welled up, both because of all the emotion of the day hitting him at once, and because of the significance of _sickness and in health_ due to his physical illness and my mental illness. 

“To nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.”

“To nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.”

“Please place the ring on Sirius’s finger.”

I gingerly took Sirius’s left hand and slipped the ring on his finger, double checking that I put it on the correct digit.

“And now, Sirius, please repeat after me: I, Sirius, choose you Remus to be my husband,”

“I, Sirius, choose you Remus to be my husband,”

“To respect you in your successes and in your failure,” 

“To respect you in your successes and in your failure,”

“To care for you in sickness and in health,”

“To care for you in sickness and in health,”

“To nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.”

“To nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.”

“Please place the ring on Remus’s finger.”

After Sirius slid the slim gold band on my finger, the officiant said, “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you married! You may kiss your husband.”

I gave Sirius a quick peck on the lips but, unsurprisingly, he raised his arm up and gently grabbed the back of my neck to kiss me deeper. I blushed a little at sharing the intimacy of the moment with an audience, but returned his kiss with equal passion as everyone cheered.

And with that, we headed out into the reception as a married couple! 

In a separate room at Madam Malkin’s, the tables were set up. They were draped in deep purple fabric that matched the aisle from the ceremony, embedded with points of silver stars. In the middle of each table was a model of the planet the table was named after, with Jupiter’s being so humorously large that those seated at the table had to lean around it to talk to each other, and Saturn’s having clumsy rings that knocked onto the diner plates of those seated around it. Each table also had a stack of index cards where guests could write down advice for a successful marriage, or other notes, for us to read on our one year anniversary. One of the staff members at Madam Malkin’s collected all of these cards in a sparkly bag labeled _The Black Hole_ to fit with the theme. The food was set up like a buffet and was traditional wedding food, intermixed with space-themed food like _moon cheese_ platters and dyed caramel corn as _asteroids_. 

After everyone ate, and drank their fair share of alcohol, it was time to dance! We went back into the main area which had been transformed into a dance floor. The DJ booth was lined with lava lamps that had stars and sparkles in them and the floor itself had a giant moon decal on it. It was a fun way to incorporate the galaxy theme into the entire night.

Eventually the party died down and we headed back to the hotel, thankful that we had our neighbors watching Minerva and Snuffles for the night so we didn’t have to worry about the drive home and we could appreciate the seemingly magical softness of hotel bed sheets.

****

Sirius was absentmindedly chewing on his thumbnail as we settled in the hotel room after changing into more comfortable clothes.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked from my spot where I was laying on the bed, finally calming down from the excitement of the day.

“Today was awesome,” Sirius explained. “And I don't want to fuck this up.”

“You're not going to fuck anything up, Sirius,” I assured him. “Why do you think you will?” I thought for a moment about the traditional expectations of a couple on their wedding night and added, “There’s no pressure to do anything other than relax, you know that.”

Sirius nodded and walked away from the dresser to come stand next to the bed.

He grabbed my hand and explained, “All day I’ve watched you: when you were beaming with happiness as you walked down the aisle with me, when your eyes filled with tears as we said our vows and kissed, when you nervously danced with me in front of everyone... I’ve felt so many wonderful emotions towards you today, and I love it. I love you.” He squeezed my hand, his eyes quickly going from bright with reminiscing to dark with lust. “But right now, I'm in a mood. Like… a tie you up and use you mood.”

I grinned slyly, and joked, “Those complex changes in your personality are one of the reasons why I love you!”

“I'm serious, Remus,” he said as he sat down on the bed next to my waist, moving his hand to rub over my hip. “And I think it's because one of the biggest ways I show my love is through physical gestures. I’m so filled up with love for you and I need to show you… I need you to feel it.”

I nodded in understanding. I didn't have quite the physical expression that Sirius had, but I was familiar with the need to express affection in ways other than words.

“You can do whatever you want to me,” I replied in a low voice. “I trust you 100%.”

“Promise you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable or want to stop?” Sirius asked. “Because I'm not saying I want it rough without meaning it.”

“Of course,” I nodded. “Red for stop, yellow for pause, green for continue.”

“Good,” Sirius replied as he leaned over to kiss me. 

He started off slowly, gently working his lips over mine, catching my top lip and sucking it into his mouth. 

I moaned into Sirius’s mouth as the nerves in my lips started to tingle, becoming even more sensitive with each kiss.

He slipped his tongue in between my lips and met mine with ferocity, licking the side of my mouth and nipping at my lower lip. He continued kissing me with his hand lightly sitting on my hip, but with no other points of contact, until I was arching up into his touch, trying to get closer to Sirius with each taste of him. His only response to my movement was to press down on my hip, keeping me in place as he gently sucked on my lower lips individually until they were over-sensitive and swollen.

“Clothes off,” Sirius said roughly, breaking the kiss as he stood up and stepped back.

He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor before stepping out of his jeans and underwear in one fluid motion. I watched, drinking in some of my favorite features, as he revealed himself to me: his skinned flushed pink with arousal, his hair damp with sweat around his temples, his lips wet from kissing me so much, and his cock jutting out with a small bead of precum shining on the tip.

I followed his lead and quickly stood up and stripped naked before getting ready to climb back on the bed.

“Nuh uh,” he vocalized with a shake of his head. 

Sirius put his hand flat on the back of my neck and used it to pull me into him and move my face roughly against his shoulder so he could kiss my neck, sucking a dark red spot into the soft skin at the base of my throat. 

“That's going to show up in our newlywed pictures,” I huffed, knowing the spot would turn deep purple soon by morning.

Sirius just grinned and sucked harder, marking me with another spot next to the first one.

He moved his hand up into my hair and tugged lightly on the strands, testing my reaction. I moaned in response, getting pleasure from the sting of pain. 

Sirius took that as a good sign and pulled harder, moving my head down until he had me on my knees in front of him.

“You okay?” he asked, his eyes showing concern even as his pupils were large with lust.

“Yes,” I responded honestly. 

I wouldn’t enjoy being manhandled like this all the time, but every now and then, especially tonight after such an emotional day, I definitely liked this. Even in his roughness, Sirius was protective of me, and it made me feel incredibly wanted in a way I wasn't quite familiar with.

“Good,” he growled, his tongue licking over his lower lip as he slipped on a condom that I hadn't realized he was holding until now, since I was too distracted by his hand tugging even harder in my hair, scratching at my scalp with his fingertips. “Because I want to watch you suck me.”

I barely had enough time to take a breath before he shoved his cock into my mouth, roughly pushing past my lips and hitting the soft membrane at the back of my throat in one solid motion.

I pulled back slightly with a muffled gasp and swallowed hard, trying to control my gag reflex. The weight of his cock was familiar in my mouth, but usually it took me a minute before I could open my throat up enough to accommodate its length, and it didn’t seem like I would have that minute to adjust tonight. 

Sirius gave me a brief moment before tightening his one hand against the back of my hair and holding my head in place as he thrust into me again. This time I couldn't pull back and felt my body respond involuntarily as tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried to concentrate enough to relax my throat.

Sirius paused and looked at me, a question on his face, and I nodded slightly for him to continue, unable to mutter “green” with my mouth full.

He pulled back again, wiping his head on my tongue, before he thrust into me again, fucking my mouth quicker as my throat successfully loosened to take him even deeper.

“Fuck,” he moaned loudly, pushing his cock into my throat again as I swallowed around him, my gag reflex now under control. “Remus, do that again.”

I focused hard and swallowed again, feeling the cartilage in my throat ripple against his cock as Sirius shuddered at the stimulus. He slid in and out as I repeatedly swallowed around him, his pace becoming more erratic the longer we continued.

He suddenly stopped thrusting and held himself in me, using the hand that was still tangled in my hair to hold my mouth in place.

“Fuck,” he repeated, his voice low and breathless as he slowly slipped out of my mouth.

Sirius kneeled down next to me and nuzzled into the side of my neck with his nose as he whispered, “You look so good with my dick in your mouth.”

I flushed at his words and nodded, my throat too raw to respond with sound. Again I could feel the affection in his voice that surrounded his raw want.

He pulled his head away from my neck and grinned devilishly at me before pressing his middle and ring finger into my mouth, pushing them down against my tongue. 

“Lick,” he instructed. 

I complied, twirling my tongue around his fingers, sucking on them as he pushed them farther into my mouth, simulating what his cock had been doing a moment ago.

Grinning again, Sirius used that same hand to run down my body slowly, biting at my skin with his fingernails until he had left a path of crescent-shaped marks down my chest. His pace changed completely when he reached my waist and without warning he quickly rubbed my clit with his slick digits, pulling back my skin to touch the most sensitive part of it, which was already swollen with need in response to the different sensations and bits of pain that he had given me so far.

I tried to move into his touch, needing to feel him in me and on me at the same time, but the way I was kneeling didn't allow me to move too far without the fear of falling over.

Sirius moved his hand and gripped my hip, hard enough to bruise.

“Did I say you could move?” Sirius asked wickedly.

“No,” I admitted with a shake of my head, my voice even coarser than I thought it would be. “But I want you.”

I could tell how rough he had been with my throat with just how uneven my voice was. He seemed to realize that as well, and I saw his cock twitch in response to my tone.

“You'll get me,” he growled. “But not yet.”

I wanted to test his intentions, enjoying how direct he was being with me, and I tried to move away from his grip despite his warning.

He responded by putting his free hand on my other hip and pinned me heavily against the side of the bed, leaning his weight into his arms.

“Don't move,” he warned again. “Or I'll drag this out even longer.”

He bit down on my shoulder, hard enough where I thought he might draw blood, pushing me to the limit of my pain tolerance, before kneeling on the floor with me to lick down my chest, taking time to swipe his tongue over the spots where his fingernails had left marks.

As wonderful as this felt, I did not want him to drag it out any longer than necessary. I wanted release now.

“Sirius,” I groaned as he swiped at a particularly sensitive spot of skin. 

“Say it,” he responded, smiling against my rib cage.

“I want you,” I repeated, making it my mantra for the night. “I want you to push me on the bed and take me and, fuck-.”

“Hmm,” Sirius hummed against my skin with a grin. “I'll take you, but not on the bed.”

He stood up, pulling on my hips to guide me up with him before he spun me around and pushed my front against the wall in the small space between the bed and the nightstand 

“Put your hands flat and don't move them,” he commanded.

I nodded in agreement, simultaneously too overwhelmed with sensations and too lost in the new quiet in my head from this treatment to do anything else, and flattened my palms against the wall.

He wrapped his fingers around my wrists and gently moved my hands further apart until my arms were so stretched out that I had to rest my cheek on the wall.

Sirius groaned at the image of me pressed up against the wall ready for him before he pulsed his hands tightly around my wrists and stepped back.

He took a second and situated himself behind me, teasing my opening with his head, before pushing into me with one steady thrust, using my own desire as lubrication.

“I love you,” he said as he pulled out all the way and quickly thrust back into me, seemingly unable to hold back any longer. “I love you so much and I want you to feel it.”

“I do feel it,” I answered honestly. “The way you treat me, the way you take care of me, the way you fuck me… In all of it, I can see and feel how much you love me. I love you too.”

Our short conversation stopped as we were reduced to heavy breathing and barely contained moans as Sirius thrust into me quicker. He reached one hand around me and used his finger and thumb to stroke my clit before he reached the other hand around to press lightly on my throat. While it didn’t impact my breathing at all, the slight pressure of his fingers around my neck sent my body into overdrive and I came, shaking and pulsating around his cock. The wonderful points of pain scattered across my chest and the stimulation on my clit kept my inner walls gripping Sirius even after my orgasm was over. It wasn’t long before that sensation caused Sirius to cum, and I felt him shoot into the condom inside me.

After a moment, Sirius gently pulled out of me and tossed the condom in the trash and we situated ourselves in bed before we were able to talk again, both of us sweaty and exhausted from the day. 

“I meant what I said earlier,” I repeated as I ran my fingers lightly along his bicep once my breathing had finally steadied. “I really do love you, and I can tell in everything that you do that you love me too.”

“I do love you,” Sirius agreed. “And I don’t think I’ll ever get over the joy of being able to fall asleep next to you as my husband.”

“It’ll get old pretty quickly,” I joked, although I felt the same way about him.

Sirius pulled me tight against him and we curled up, both incredibly satisfied and exhausted. We were married! And while we both knew that fact isn’t a guarantee of happiness, and that there will be struggles and imperfections to deal with along the way, it was nice knowing that no matter what happened, we were officially facing the world together. We had grown so much over the past three years, both individually and as a couple, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has followed this story all the way to the end. It has been a heck of a year for me personally, and I’ve been ill more times than I can count, so thank you for sticking with this as my chapter updates became more irregular and spaced out. I hope you enjoyed the story.  
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at https://medley-of-my-trans-life.tumblr.com/  
> Have a wonderful 2018!


End file.
